Tuesday, December 30, 2008

My big parental pet peeve

Ok so I have to say that I really get irritated when I hear new moms complain that their 3-6 week old baby is waking up several times and that they do not understand why. That's probably because THEY ARE NEWBORNS and *big shocker* that's what they do! For someone to EXPECT their newborn to sleep through the night is absurd. And to think that you are going to avoid the sleepless nights that the rest of the population goes through is ridoculous.

Here is some helpful informartion if you happen to be one of these people I am speaking of:




Allow me to quote one of these resources:

By age 3 months, many babies sleep up to five hours during the night. By age 6 months, nighttime stretches of nine to 12 hours are possible.

So don't mind me if I roll my eyes when I hear of a mother complaining about this. This is what you signed up for when you got pregnant. I went through it, we all go through.

So please, don't jump to sleep training/cry it out techniques before experts recommend (if you have done any research on this, you will see that it's not recommended until at least 6 months old).

Pet Peeve vent over. =)

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Welcome to My Outlook on the World

Consider this a disclaimer to all the blog readers out there.

This is my blog.

I started this blog after I had a miscarriage. I used this as an outlet. My therapy. I have since been pregnant again and birthed my first born child. I use this blog, still, to cope with my miscarriage and also to express my life thoughts.

I rant, rave, vent, express all my thoughts. You may find my blog amusing. You may agree with everything that I say. You may not agree with anything I say. But just understand that these are my thoughts. I don't expect everyone to agree with me. It's not like I need to be patted on the back or told what I like to hear. Just know that if you feel the need to call me out on one of my rants, I may respond back. I am open minded but I am also passionate and proud of my beliefs.

I love to read people's comments. Especially on this blog because I do not advertise it to my friends very much so most of the readers have come across this by chance. But I am very witty and sarcastic! My husband hates arguing with me!

I never define myself in one category. I take bits and pieces from everything, mash it together, and out pops my personality. When I registered to vote I choose not to identify with either party so I checked the box that says something to that effect (forgot the actual wording). I am parts of everything.

I have a Bachelor's degree in Psychology. If anyone has ever taken a psychology class you would know that there are several different types of psychological views. Psychoanalytic, Behaviorist, etc. I don't stick to just one, I take parts from each and mold my point of view.

So basically I may confuse the hell out of you! =)

Oh and I am terrible at proof reading. I always proof read and think there are not any mistakes but when I re-ead a blog post on another day, I find several! Go figure!!

I hope you enjoy my blog. This is my way of thinking out loud. Some of the things I say may surprise you, offend you, make you think twice, or you will find I say what a lot of people are thinking and just don't have the guts to say it out loud. I am very straight forward and do not sugar-coat anything. I tell it like it is and am not afraid to disagree with you. I have very little tolerance for stupidity and lack of common sense or tact. But I am not the type to slap you across the face with my honesty, I am just very direct!

I believe in equality for all races, sexual orientations and sex. Don't tell me I can't do something because I am not a man and don't tell I have to do something because I am a women. I throw like a girl because I am one, got a problem with that? ;) haha.

I am a great listener, a lot of fun (if i do say so myself!! haha) and generally happy just don't piss me off! I like to amuse myself in any way that I can and my sense of humor is really random. I think my randomness is a good thing!!

Welcome to my outlook on the world!

Me & my sweet cheeks!!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

This Thing Called Parenthood

It's an amazing thing. A lot more to it then I ever imagined. Tonight as I am rocking Hailey in the glider, she falls asleep on my chest. It puts me in a state of total relaxation. It almost feels like we melted into each other.

I don't know what it is but there is something so magical about being a mother. I love my husband, I love my family. But this love is completely different.

She has my blue eyes. They are light in the middle and dark around the edges. I know they may to a different shade of blue as she gets older but for now, she has my eyes. Do you know how amazing it is to look at her eyes and know it came from me? It's weird. And you will never understand it until you experience it.
I returned to work this week and it was hard. If we could afford for me to stay home I would. I seriously could care less about my career. I have a Bachelor's degree. I graduated college almost 5 years ago. I worked long and hard in college. I could spend the rest of my life as a full time mom and be completely okay with that.
I now realize that being a mom is the best thing I will ever do!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

One Year Ago

One year ago today I got the most devastating news. This news made my world come crashing down. My OB confirmed my miscarriage a year ago today. 2 days later I had my D&C. It just so happens that this day landed right on Thanksgiving this year. I will forever associate my loss with Thanksgiving.

Despite this I do have a lot of Thanks to give. Because right now what I am most thankful for is currently napping in her crib.

Monday, November 24, 2008

And the beat goes on....

3 days.....in 3 days will be the one year anniversary of the day that changed my life in so many ways. It will be one year since the day I had my miscarriage. Many mixed feelings with this. I am sad, sad that I ever had to go through it and sad to learn of so many other women who have gone through the same thing. It is definitely a sisterhood of silence.

It's so bitter sweet. I never got to meet my first baby. Never got to see its beating heart on the ultrasound screen. Never found out if it was a boy or a girl. I feel like that pregnancy only gave me feelings of sadness, feelings of loss, disappointment, bitterness, guilt. I felt this way for a long timeand at times I still do. But then it dawned on me one day as I was staring at my beautiful baby girl. I may have never met my 1st baby but what my first baby did give me, was Hailey.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

An Historical Moment

I was able to witness an historical moment on Tuesday. Our country elected the first black president (I would say African American but that may not be PC for Obama. What if he is not from Africa? He was born in Hawaii.). I am proud of our country for doing this. This definitely proves to me that our country are not the racist bastards they used to be (of course racism still exists but not enough to not elect a black president, ya know?).

Although I do think the media thus far is focusing way too much on the fact that he is black rather then the president he is going to be and what the future holds for our country. Isn't that what's really important? I understand that is a huge thing, especially amongst the black community but let's re-focus here!

He didn't focus his campaign on him being black so let's do the same for his term in the White House.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

6 Tag

I was "tagged" by reading blog Kristy's. I decided to put this one on this blog! So here it goes...

6 TV shows:
One Tree Hill
Law&Order: SVU
90210 (new)
Beverly Hills 90210 (old)
House Hunters

6 Favorite Restaurants:
The Cannery
Olive Garden
Lucille's BBQ

6 Things that happened today:
Feed Hailey
Changed poopy/pee-pee diapers
Dad brought me lunch
Went on a walk with Hailey and Jake
Cooked dinner
Saw Oscar cornered a lizard..ewww

6 Things I am looking forward to:
Hailey's growth
2nd child
All the weddings coming up

6 Things on my wish list:
More sleep
The desire to exercise
Happy life for Hailey
Everyone to stop concentrating so much on Obama's race. How about concentrating on his duty as a president?
A tropical vacation
More money

6 people to Tag:
Anyone who reads this!

Now GO!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Just so you know...


Oscar Thinks He's a Dog

Randy and I have said from the day we got Oscar that he's a dog in a cat's body. Several people who have met Oscar agree. When our elderly neighbor walks her dog, Oscar will walk with them. He's best buds with the dog across the street too. I have actually seen them wrestle!! He and Jake get along but Jake could care less about him and rather play with us or other dogs!

Christa came over this past weekend with her new dog Salem. Oscar, of course, befriended him immediately and they instantly became pals! We missed getting shots of them wrestling but here's a great picture Christa caught if the two of them.....

Sunday, November 2, 2008

One year ago today....

One year ago today is when I got my very first BFP. I am surprised I remembered it was today. It randomly popped in my head. I remember I had tested the day before Halloween and got a BFN. Even though I thought I wasn't pregnant, I still didn't drink on Halloween. When my period didn't come, I tested again two days later. This time I got a very clear dark BFP. I couldn't believe it. We were thrilled. Pregnant on our first try! Wow that was easy!

Of course 25 days later, we were singing a different tune and 2 days after that we had a different ending to our baby story.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Prop.8, Protect Our Children...

Protect our children? Protect them from what?? A life without prejudice? A life of acceptance? Are you kidding me??

If anything, voting NO would protect our children. Protect them from a prejudice lifestyle. Just what this state needs...more prejudice. We need to teach our children not to be this way. All this proposition does is promote discrimination and hate.

If this was about interracial marriage, all supporters of this would be racist. Why is homophobia not racism? I understand homosexuality is not a race but homophobes are not looked at as prejudice bastards. Homophobia is accepted. That's right..it's ACCEPTED (and you do not have to commit hate crimes in order to be homophobic. Non violent homomphobics exist).

Driving around town, I see TONS of signs in yards wanting support of this proposition. When I look at those, I think "You prejudice asshole." There...I said it...supporters of this proposition are prejudice asshats! Especially those who go as far as putting a sign in their front lawns! My Father in law supports this proposition, however, I do not view him as prejudice because he doesn't post a sign on his lawn. He keeps his views to himself and does not parade them to the neighborhood.

But seriously, do we still live in the 1800's?? This is 2008 people!! Roll with the punches!! GET OVER YOURSELVES!

Voting Yes on this is not going to protect our children, it's only going to continue a prejudice lifestyle and instill these values in our children. Is that what you want?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

No on Proposition 8

I got this from one of my friends. This is great!

10 Reaso​ns Why Gay Marri​age is Wrong According to Yes on 8'ers!​....

1) Being​ gay is not natur​al.
*And real Ameri​cans alway​s rejec​t unnat​ural thing​s like eyegl​asses​,​ polye​ster,​ air condi​tioni​ng,​ tatto​os,​ pierc​ings and silic​on breas​ts.​.

2) Gay marri​age will encou​rage peopl​e to be gay.
*In the same way that hangi​ng aroun​d tall peopl​e will make you tall.​

3) Legal​izing​ gay marri​age will open the door to all kinds​ of crazy​ behav​ior.
*Peopl​e may even wish to marry​ their​ pets becau​se a dog has legal​ stand​ing and can sign a marri​age contr​act.​ Lamps​ are next.​

4) Strai​ght marri​age has been aroun​d a long time and hasn'​t chang​ed at all;
*Hence​ why women​ are still​ prope​rty,​black​s still​ can'​t marry​ white​s,​and divor​ce is still​ illeg​al.​

5) Strai​ght marri​age will be less meani​ngful​ if gay marri​age were allow​ed;​
*And we can'​t let the sanct​ity of Britn​ey Spear​s'​ 55-​hour just-​for-​fun marri​age be destr​oyed or Jlo's 3 marriages...​

6) Strai​ght marri​ages are valid​ becau​se they produ​ce child​ren.
*So there​fore,​ gay coupl​es,​infer​tile coupl​es,​ and old peopl​e shoul​dn'​t be allow​ed to marry​ becau​se our popul​ation​ isn'​t out of contr​ol,​ our orpha​nages​ aren'​t full yet, and the world​ needs​ more child​ren.​

7) Obvio​usly gay paren​ts will raise​ gay child​ren,​
*Since​,​ of cours​e,​ strai​ght paren​ts only raise​ strai​ght child​ren.​

8) Gay marri​age is not suppo​rted by relig​ion.
*In a theoc​racy like ours,​ the value​s of one relig​ion are impos​ed on the entir​e count​ry.​ That'​s why we have only one relig​ion in Ameri​ca.​

9) Child​ren can never​ succe​ed witho​ut a male and a femal​e role model​ at home.
*Which​ is exact​ly why we as a socie​ty expre​ssly forbi​d singl​e paren​ts to raise​ child​ren.

10) Gay marri​age will chang​e the found​ation​ of socie​ty;​ we could​ never​ adapt​ to new socia​l norms​.
*​Just like we haven​'​t adapt​ed to cars,​the servi​ce-​secto​r econo​my,​ or longe​r life spans​.​

Don't be an Idoit....Vote NO on Prop 8!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

A Silent Hardship

As I had posted before, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day just passed. I posted about on this blog, my other blog, Myspace bulletins and also a mass text message to several friends and family. Why did I do this? To spread awareness.

A friend who has had a miscarriage replied to my text message that she doesn't like to be reminded and never talks about it to people who have not been through it. I can definitely understand that. That very reason inspired me to write a blog about what not to say someone who has had a miscarriage (Click here to read).

Her text message got me thinking. I called this blog post a silent hardship because that's exactly what it is. When I first shared this blog with people, I had already written several blogs. A friend of mine emailed me saying that she never realized what having a miscarriage meant emotionally. She stated that nobody talks about it so she truly had no idea until she read my blog. She felt she had a better understanding of this kind of loss and was truly sorry I had experienced it. I was touched and sad that to discover that she was right.

Having a miscarriage is a very personal thing. Some choose to go through it alone. Bottle it up and stash it away somewhere. If every person did this (and a majority of them do) then no one will understand what we have gone through. I think our silence it was causes the type of reactions and behavior mentioned in my other blog post. They are simply unaware. And it is us, those who have experienced this, that made it that way.

I have chosen to not go through it alone. I am wide open with it. I want to spread awareness and I want people to understand that this loss hurts. It stings and leaves scars in our hearts that will always be there. Scars fade but are constant reminders of our past. Scars can make us stronger. So I think we need to tell the stories of our scars.

I mentioned above that I posted about the day of remembrance on a Myspace bulletin. I asked that my friends repost this bulletin and help me spread awareness. And it's disappointing to say that 2, yes only 2, people reposted this bulletin. One was a friend named Danielle who I met through my mother's good friend (her daughter) and the other was a girl I knew from high school who I haven't seen in almost 10 years. Among my Myspace friends are my best and closest friends and family. I believe I have 260 friends and only 2 reposted. 2. It made me sad. This is something I asked for support and I got 2 reposts. I am thankful for those reposts but I really thought more people would support me.

And maybe I shouldn't take that personally but I did. And maybe there was something I didn't repost in support of them. But if I read it, I would have. I find it hard to believe that only 2 out of 260 people read that bulletin.

This only proves my point even further. If it was a post about Breast Cancer, it would have gotten more attention. Miscarriages and Infant loss does not get the attention it deserves. And I hope if there are any of you reading this that are a part of the majority that stays silent, that you will change your mind. Give this tragedy the attention it deserves. Allow society to view this type of loss as something that matters and is more than just a fluke.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

The Love of My Life

I realized I do not post many pictures of Hailey on this blog, I post tons on my other blog but not this one.

Here's my beautiful Hailey at 2 months old. A proof of success after a miscarriage!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Unbelievable!! Stupid Stupid Potheads

I am on my way to Walmart (which I hate but they sell formula cheaper) and am sitting at a stoplight. I turn to my right and see a girl in the passenger seat of the car next to me packing a marijuana pipe! She then hands it to the driver and he takes a big hit. I am astonished.

I glace in the back seat only to see a little girl who couldn't be older than 2 or 3! Unbelievable! I think my mouth dropped to the floor. At that point the light turned green and he sped off in mid-puff.

If I was not in such disbelief I think I would have written down the license plate number and called the cops. I didn't think about it until later.

Now I understand that smoking pot is a very common thing in this society. I no longer allow myself to be surprised when I see someone I know light up when I didn't know they were into that. I do not smoke myself. I tried in High School and wasn't interested in continuing. I spent a good portion of my life being bitter towards those who continue to smoke but I am over that now. If people want to smoke pot then so be it. Not my problem.

But I do have a problem with this situation for a few reasons.

1. His dumbass was driving as he was smoking...right next to me. So here he is affecting his driving ability while on the same street as me, not to mention in the very next lane.

2. His farking daughter was in the car with him! Klassy! If you are going to be stupid and juvenile enough to continue smoking outside of your teens then at least do not smoke in front of your kids and do not drive them as you are smoking or under the influence.

I have heard regular pot smokers say they are better drivers when they are high. SERIOUSLY? I guess you have damaged enough brain cells to actually believe this is true! If anyone thinks for one second it's ok to drive high then you are an idiot.

I personally do not see the point of using drugs but I am not a pothead or drug addict so I guess I will never understand. And one can make the same argument with drinking alcohol. It's all self-destructive in one way or another, it's just most are not willing to admit it. I am not much if a drinker but do like to drink occasionally and always socially. However I do not have to be drunk or buzzed to have a good time.

So there you have it. White trash pothead drives 2 year old daughter as he hits his pipe and for some reason he and the mother see absolutely no problem with it. Amazing.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

My Candle is Still Burning

I lit it at 6:45pm to be exact and it's still burning almost 4 hours later. I can't bring myself to blow it out.

Proposition 8, My Thoughts

A friend asked me what my thoughts were on this now that I am a parent. I understand that this could bring on a lot of hateful comments considering that this is the Internet and anyone can read this but please keep an open mind. This is my opinion and I am allowed to have it.

Honestly the hype that they are creating around this issue is a bit overkill. It reminds of segregation with the whites/blacks. Imagine all the hype and controversy surrounded by the end of this. I am sure white people went crazy over it and made up similar issues that could make the end of this horrible. "My kid will be sitting next to those black kids, they will be eating in the same places as us, I will have to drink from a fountain after them" You know what I mean? It makes me sick.

Teaching homosexually and the fact that they can marry is not necessary and even so will not end life as we know it and it will not teach our kids to be gay (though they haven't said this specifically I bet this is the thought process behind most people regarding this part of the issue). Textbooks will not have to be ripped from the bookshelves and re-written to include "gay marriage." Marriage can be defined as a union between two people. That's it, two people. No need to go into it any further. It doesn't have to be played out to the extent of "boys can marry boys." Marriage is a union between 2 people. period. Not to mention I don't remember marriage being taught in schools. Do you? If they did, it did not stick in my brain at all. Its such a small part of the curriculum. But that's just my opinion. I think they are blowing parts way out of proportion.

Churches should not be considered hate groups (once again over exaggeration/hype). Church and state are supposed to be separate anyway. Catholic churches do not recognize marriages outside the church. Meaning if a catholic couple does not marry in a catholic church then the church does not view them as married. So why can't gay marriage be viewed the same way? If churches choose what marriages they recognize for heterosexual couples then the same can go for all marriages. In the Mormon religion if a couple divorces, the state considers them divorced but the church makes a decision whether they will look at the couple as divorced. If they deny it then the man can remarry but the woman cannot. This belief/practice is not in textbooks or mandated by the state. Why? Church and state are supposed to be separate.

The state doesn't necessarily mandate what parents teach their kids. Some parents teach racism to their kids and that's not mandated by the state so why would the state make teaching of gay marriage mandatory? They cannot control how people parent so why do they think the state can with this issue? And accepting gay lifestyles? Come on, the lifestyle will be there regardless of whether they can marry. Attacks against them are already considered hate crimes without them being allowed to marry. So if you think about it, the state already mandates acceptance.

I have no idea what tax implications this will cause and I can't see how this will effect taxes. We don't pay heterosexual marriage taxes so why would gay marriage affect anything to do with taxes?

I dunno. This just reminds me of segregation with black/whites from over a 100 years ago. Why does marriage have to be between a man and a woman according to the state? That definition of marriage came from the church centuries ago when religion was mandated and there was no freedom of religion. So by limiting marriage to being between a man and a woman is forcing religious beliefs and acceptance of those beliefs on the population if you think about it. We all decide what religion, if any, we want to follow and each church has their own sets of practices. So allow all of us to make that decision.

OK sorry I feel like I am rambling. I have all these thoughts in my head about it but never actually put them into words. Hailey is napping so I have time to write it out! haha!! I hope I haven't offended you in any way. Its just my random thoughts and me thinking out loud!

Today We Remember....

Today, October 15, is the National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, it has been suggested that grieving parents and family members light a candle at 7 p.m. in their respective time zones to create a wave of light around the world in memory of babies lost to pregnancy and infant loss. Would you join me in this today?

Did you know that October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day? Many people aren't aware that this day has been designated a national day of remembrance for miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss.

The resolution to declare October 15 a remembrance day passed the United States House of Representatives on September 28, 2006. It was the result of tireless efforts by a group of miscarriage awareness activists led by Robyn Bear, who had six first-trimester miscarriages in the span of 1997 through 1999 before ultimately receiving a diagnosis of balanced translocation.In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, Bear suggests on her website that grieving parents light a candle at 7 p.m. in their respective time zones to create a wave of light around the world in memory of babies lost to pregnancy and infant loss.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Sign the Petition for Preemies

In the United States today, 1 in 8 babies is born prematurely. More newborns die from premature birth than any other cause. But solutions are within our grasp. Together, we can find the causes of premature birth, ensure moms get health care during pregnancy, and create workplaces that support maternal and infant health.

Act now and let everyone know it’s time to do more to help moms have healthy, full-term babies. November is March of Dimes Prematurity Awareness Month. Sign the Petition for Preemies.

P. S. Want to make an even bigger difference? Please forward this message to family and friends. Tell them you signed the petition and ask them to join you!


Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. Each year, over half a million dreams are shattered. Out of 3.3 million born alive, some 30,000 die during the first 28 days. Another 39,000 babies are still born. Miscarriage occurs in fifteen to twenty percent of pregnancies, while ectopic pregnancy occurs in one percent.

More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.
pregnancy loss

3 Years until 30

I turned 27 yesterday. In 3 years I will be 30. I can't believe it, I still feel like I am too young to be married with a baby. Like I should still be asking my mom permission to go somewhere or I need to go to school on Monday.

I can't believe how time flies. It feels like yesterday I graduated High School. I feel like Randy and I are still young kids.

I am an adult. I live on my own. I have a husband. I have a beautiful baby. I imagined how all of this was going to be when I was younger and now I am finally here. It's so surreal when I think about it.

Now I picture life when we are retired with grand kids. Although it will be a great time, I hope it doesn't come as fast as this stage in life did!!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Diarrhea of the Mouth

I find that I come across this way too often. What's my definition of it? When someone talks without thinking and what comes out is a bunch of crap. Also unstoppable talking that has no value.

Mostly it's when someone says something completely inappropriate. Makes you think "WTF? Did that really just come out of your mouth?" You know when you are announcing great news and someone rains on your parade by telling some horrific story related to what you are saying. Like announcing your pregnant and then someone follows their Congrats with a story of their sister's friend's miscarriage.

When I was about 30 weeks pregnant, I was with a bunch of girls I didn't know very well. I was asked how far along I was and when I told her, she told me of her friend who just lost her baby at 30 weeks because the cord wrapped around its neck. Devastating story however why she felt the need to share it with me at that given moment is beyond me. Now you have me freaked out it will happen to me and I am watching baby movements like a hawk.

It's like she didn't know what else to say after I answered her question so the story came pouring out of her mouth (like diarrhea) without even thinking first. If we were talking about pregnancy losses then I would understand why she may share the story.

I am sure you can relate on some level to what I am saying. I am wishing there was some sort of over the counter cure for this. Peptobismo for the mouth.

I know someone close to me who does this all the time. This person will remain nameless. I think she is so socially awkward the only responses she can think of are usually of the negative nature. Hardly having anything positive to say because it's easier to think of something negative. Quick to respond but doesn't think first.

So diarrhea if the mouth is my knew phrase to explain this. I think it fits pretty well.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

My Heart Breaks

My heart breaks as I read Stacy's blog. She gave birth to her beautiful son today. After 16 minutes, he passed away. Her husband and her prepared for this day. Instead of planning a shower, decorating a nursery, or picking out a "coming home" outfit, she planned her unborn son's funeral and memorial service. I type this, as I am holding Hailey. I sobbed as I read the sad news of baby Isaac and held Hailey a little tighter. I looked at her and cried. Sad that Stacy would not experience this with Isaac and thankful that I am able to with Hailey. I could not imagine what she is going through. To carry her son to full term to only say goodbye. I bet those were the best 16 minutes of her life. I don't think she will ever forget how it felt and he will have a place in her heart forever. She is one of the strongest people I know. My heart breaks for her and I wish her strength through this devastating time.

If you would like to read Stacy's story,click here. And you can also click here for her blog she dedicated to her sweet Isaac.

Monday, October 6, 2008

I thought I knew love

I thought I knew love. I do know love but now it comes in a different form. I am in love with my husband. He's an amazing support system and he makes me feel worthy. I battle with my self-worth but with Randy, he lifts me up.

So this different form of love, I call it motherhood. I was told you never know how much you can love someone until you have a child. I look at Hailey and I want to cry. Even when she's crying and won't go to sleep. I stare at her and can't believe she's mine. She is so gorgeous and I am in total awe. I love being at home with her and it makes me want to be a stay at home mom more and more. Unfortunately that's not financially possible.

Randy is a great father, even though he doesn't think it, he really is. Of course I have had my sleep-deprived, post-partum hormonal moments which I have taken out on him but he takes it with such grace. He nodds his head, says he's sorry and kisses my forehead. He's amazing with Hailey and he is totally in love. She has him wrapped around her finger and she's barely 7 weeks old.

Right now I am sitting next to the baby monitor. Hailey is not wanting to go to sleep but he's keeping his patience and talking to her. I know he wants her to sleep so bad but he continues to sooth her. I don't think he knows I have the monitor on.

Motherhood is a great thing to be a part of. After the miscarriage, the premature birth, 4 weeks spent in the NICU I am finally feeling a part of this new club. It's a lifetime membership and I am proud to be a part of it.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

10 things they didn't tell you about child birth

1. People (including the nurses) pick the time when you are breathing thru a big contraction to ask you questions.

2. After a vaginal birth and after the placenta is out, the nurse will push on your belly by the belly button (and it hurts like hell) a few times and you will feel tons of gushing, Randy said it was blood and clots.

3. This isn't only when your in labor, but people will feel the need to share their birth/labor experience with you (good or bad but especially the bad) either when your in labor, after you give birth, or even when still pregnant.

4. You sweat like the dickens after birth, c-section or vaginal.

5. You can poop during vaginal delivery. This happens more than you would think. Although, didn't happen to me. And no one will care if it does.

6. After an epidural, your back can hurt for a long time and also it can cause you to swell.

7. Granny panties, super maxi-pads and those mesh panties will become your new best friends. And also Tucks! Take a pack home from the hospital!

8. Your uterus cramps while breast feeding or pumping. This causes more blood to leak out.

9. The placenta looks like a tri tip.

10. You can feel phantom baby movements in your belly after birth.

10 things they didn't tell you about being pregnant

1. Everyone views your belly as a free-for-all. Even strangers will rub your belly.

2. Your nipple and aureoles get bigger....and DARKER

3. As the baby gets bigger you "Sniss." This is sudden urine leakage brought on by sneezing.

4. Everyone in the world has an opinion about your pregnancy or pregnancy in general or what you can/cannot eat, and they will share it with you even if its not solicited.

5. Your feet can swell so big that your shoes do not fit anymore.

6. Your feet are not the only parts of your body that swell, this includes your hands, legs, arms, face.....

7. Morning Sickness is not just reserved for the 1st trimester

8. A variety of fluids will leak from your nether regions which will result in a few pantie changes throughout the day.

9. Your belly will get fuzzy and then as your belly gets bigger the hair sticks straight up.

10. Suddenly you realize your deodorant isn't working as well as it used too.

Friday, August 29, 2008

If Ignorance could kill, I'd be dead!

I went by my doctors office today to drop off paperwork for FMLA and SDI. As I am standing at the front desk I hear this girl speaking loudly to another girl waiting. The loud girl is with her newborn baby and starts talking about how pregnancy was the worst experience in her life and anything is better than being pregnant. Then talked about how she had the "induction from hell" and was in labor for 36 hours before she gave birth.

If I wasn't preoccupied with talking to the nurse I seriously might have gone off. There was a time when I was sitting in that waiting room, waiting for my m/c to be confirmed and then sitting in there for my follow up appointment after the D&C. To hear something like that would have devastated me. My OB is also a fertility specialist so there could have been someone waiting there who would give anything to "hate" pregnancy. I would gladly take an "induction from hell" than have to visit my daughter in the NICU.

Ugh. I really hate that certain experiences can make you so bitter and intolerable of other people's ignorance or lack of tact.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

My gorgeous daughter, Hailey

Just had to show off a picture!
The tube in her nose is her feeding tube. Luckily she never had to be on oxygen!!

I Think I spoke too Soon, I had my baby

So I write a blog stating it's still terrifying even at 32 weeks pregnant. Well, one week later, Hailey arrives 7 weeks early!! She is doing great but still in the NICU. Could be another few weeks until she comes home.

I am handling it well, or at least that's what I am told. But I am running on adrenaline. I had a baby a week ago and I am running back and forth to the hospital. You wouldn't think it has only been a week. I even get comments from the nurses. It's very overwhelming. I have to leave her everyday. I break down sometimes when I am alone. I try to be as strong as I can because if I am not it's not going to make this any easier. Thank goodness for a vaginal birth because I don't think I could force out the energy I am if I didn't.

But I have a beautiful daughter and an amazing husband and I am so thankful she is doing so well. If you would like to check out some pictures and see her progress, check out my other blog:


Sunday, August 10, 2008

It's Still Terrifying

You would think since I am 32 weeks pregnant that I feel totally confident that this pregnancy is a success. Wrong. I am still scared to this day. There are so many things that can happen even in this stage of pregnancy. And the scary part is that if something were to....a death certificate would be issued.

It isn't until she comes out and is placed on my stomach that I will breath a little easier. Only 5-7 weeks to go.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

My Original EDD came and went

July 12th.....my original EDD. It came quicker than I expected and passed quickly too. Surprisingly, I did a lot better than I thought. It was hard to think tat I should have a newborn right now but I am so excited to be having Hailey, it drowns out the sorrow. Many may feel that since I am pregnant again, I shouldn't be sad anymore.....those people have obviously never been through this.

My grandmother told a story the other day of her friend who placed a memorial bench in a cemetery and had a plaque (amongst others for other family members) made for the miscarriage she suffered 52 years back. My grandma made fun of her friend. Not understanding why she would do such a thing. I don't think she realized what she was saying....and that she said it in front of me. Without thinking I responded "It stays with you for the rest of your life" and then the tears came. i didn't mean to cry and I didn't even feel the urge to. But it goes to show that there are a lot of people that still and never will get the pain that goes along with this. It's looked upon as a fluke, "better luck next time" sort of thing. Those have obviously never experienced this.

I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. The thought of always having the carry this around. Next time I get pregnant and go to the doctor they will ask what # pregnancy this is. It will be my 3rd....but only my 2nd child. Even now, when taking those false alarm trips to L&D. My 2nd pregnancy.....1st child. When asked what surgeries I have had... I get to write down D&C. I have been asked...from an abortion or miscarriage. WOW will some assume I had an abortion? Great. Just what I need.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Text Lingo should always be Text lingo

So I understand the reason behind text lingo. What I mean by text lingo is the abbreviations you use while texting in order to reduce the amount of buttons you need to push and also to shorten the length and time it takes to complete the message. Especially if you have Verizon and they only allow you to send 160 characters to outside networks. The lingo is needed in order to text a full long message. For example:

OMG: Oh My God
WTF?: What the F#$k?
IDK: I don't know
ur: your

I think you get the picture. What I DON'T understand is when people use the language in real life when you speak.

I was at work and I had asked a young employee a question.

He answered "i-d-k."

At first I had no idea what he said because I was expecting an answer in full English.

I said "What?." He repeats.

I tell him I am not texting him and expect him to answer in english not text. When I asked him why he would respond in text lingo all he had to say was that he didn't want to say the words. Then goes on to say some random text lingo phrase and at that point I lost interest.

The sad part is he is a really smart kid and he made himself sound like such an idiot answering that way. I am hoping he was just doing that to show off and he actually doesn't speak that way to his friends on a regular basis. Actually, I hope this isn't common amoungst his age group because if so it makes me loose faith in the next generations moving up in this world. I can't imagine if one of them is going to the one to cure cancer that they would answer a question with "o-m-g" or "i-d-k"

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Infertility.....a common thread.

I know that there seems to be a colored ribbon for everything. All types of cancer, causes, etc. For infertility, the color is pomegranate. If you were to see a woman wearing a pomegranate bracelet or even a single string of yarn around their wrist then you know they are giving silent, subtle awareness to how common it is. The Kabalah is red so do not mistaken it for that. Pomegranate is a granet/burgundy color.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Make sure you relax this time!

Yeah okay, thanks! Are you saying I miscarried last time because I didn't relax? Does anyone understand that stress or "Not relaxing" alone does not cause a miscarriage?

Amazing that the stupid comments continue even after becoming pregnant again. They just now come in a new form. I especially like the cautious "So how is everything going?" questions. I know they are trying to be sensitive but what I really need is for people to go on and act as if the miscarriage didn't happen. Asking me those type of questions makes me think "IS everything okay? What if it isn't? What if I think it is but it really isn't?." So the anxiety causing question need to stop!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Mr. Joe Cool

My adorable kitty. Getting so big. And from the looks of this picture....soooooo sophisticated!!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

A Quote I Can Relate To

I read this quote and found myself feeling like I can relate. Makes me think someone took some of my thoughts and feelings and wrote them for me. I have come across some extremely judgemental people in my life, unfortunately, a few are still in my life. I guess this is what I have to say to them and anyone else who judges me....

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" - Marilyn Monroe

Amen to Marilyn Monroe

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Baby Blog

I started a baby blog when I first found out I was pregnant. I kept it hidden but now that I have announced on this blog here's the link:


I am planning on putting up the 10 week ultrasound pictures soon. Just haven't gotten around to doing it yet!!

Saturday, March 15, 2008

I am Pregnant again

I am 11 weeks pregnant. I haven't announced it on this blog because a lot of friends and family may still read this and we weren't going to announce until we saw the heartbeat twice.....and now we have! Everything is going really well and the baby was measuring 4 days ahead on Wednesday.

We feel confident and excited! But I still have my moments. I will not ignore this blog, because I still have a lot to say about the subject of miscarriage. I am hoping to bring inspiration to those ladies who read my blog. I am hoping my success story will give you the confidence to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can have a healthy pregnancy. Although I do not consider myself out of the woods yet, I feel I am right on the edge.

Here's to a happy and healthy pregnancy....for all of us!!!!!

Thursday, February 28, 2008

I Hate That Miscarriages Exist

It makes me so sad and so angry. Why does this type of loss exist? It's designed to rip the hopes and dreams and excitement out of underneath you. One moment you think everything is great and you are looking forward to the little miracle happening in 9 short months. Then it's gone.

I am sad this happens to so many women. I am sad that this happened to me. I am sad to hear of all the women you could relate to me when I shared the news of our loss.

I am angry that this changed my life so much. I am angry for those who have had this happen to them more than once. I am angry at the fear of this happening to me again. I am angry at the possibility that this could happen to someone else close to me or even to someone I don't know. I am angry at how often this happens

I wish I could understand this more. I wish I could understand the anger and sadness I feel right now. I wish I could stop crying about this. I wish I wasn't so angry about it.

I want to understand this better but no matter how hard I try, I am more angry and sad in the end.

I wish miscarriages did not exist.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Positive Outlook Update

I forgot about this vow I made! So far so good. Unfortunately, I am not planning on announcing any pregnancy news on this blog for awhile. Randy and I decided that we will keep the exciting news to ourselves until about 10 weeks or so. Soooo speculate all you want! We won't tell you anyways!!

But things are looking good. Even though I can slip back into what I call "The Black Hole" every now and then, I feel better. It can be so hard at times to stay positive especially when I see pregnant women and newborn babies everywhere. Overall, my outlook is looking good!

Sunday, February 10, 2008


I have a mental list in my head of things I want to do before I die. I'm sure this will grow as time goes on and I'm hoping I will also be able to cross things off.

  1. Go to Italy
  2. Own a BMW, my mid-life crisis car
  3. Run a marathon
  4. Go to Australia
  5. Go sky diving again
  6. Become a mommy
  7. Donate my hair to Locks of Love

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Once I am Pregnant Again, Everything Will Be Okay

I am beginning to think the statement above is not true. I am so excited to get pregnant again and have a healthy baby but I am still not emotionally over the miscarriage.

I think this will stay with me a lot longer than I thought at first. And I am okay with that. I don't want to be forget about the first pregnancy. But I will certainly appreciate the next pregnancy a lot more than I ever imagined. I will cherish motherhood a lot more than I think I would have had this not happened. I will see my first born as the true miracle that it really is. I will love that baby and any other babies I have with a different kind of love. A love, I am sure, they will never understand.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

One Will Always Be Missing

I know that eventually the pain and sorrow of this experience will soon fade especially when we have a baby. I am wondering if even years down the road and a few healthy babies later, am I going to have this feeling that one will always be missing? Maybe this won't happen like I think. Maybe when our first baby is born, this will fade in a way I never thought possible. Maybe I won't have this sense of loss. But I can't help but think now that one will always be missing.

That one will be in my heart forever. Maybe I will never talk of it, maybe I won't even tell our children when they are older. I don't know. But I will always have a place in my heart for the first baby we lost. He/she will always be there and will live on in my heart. Even if the thought or feeling is in the back of mind, one will always be missing.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

You Need to Just Relax and Don't Lift Heavy Things

Had I known those were the two key things to preventing a miscarriage I would have never gotten out of bed the whole pregnancy!! Why didn't somebody tell me this sooner???? Gee, I wonder if my doctor knows this??

Amazing. The stupidity continues.

I must reiterate the fact that I don't need an explanation of why this happened to me. This is what my doctor is for. And on that note, if you insist on it, please know what you are talking about first. I know I am sounding sarcastic and ungrateful to those who only want to comfort me but if they were to sit back and really look at the statement they just made, they will understand what exactly it is that they are saying.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Starbucks Did NOT Cause My Miscarriage

Okay I totally bit that title off of another blog I read cause I loved it! Anyhoo......

There is a lot of hype going around about the the link caffeine has to miscarriages. Here's a brief article I found regarding this topic:

"High doses of daily caffeine during pregnancy – whether from coffee, tea, caffeinated soda or hot chocolate – cause an increased risk of miscarriage, according a new study by the Kaiser Permanente Division of Research.

The research appears in the current online issue of American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology.

While previous research showed a link between caffeine consumption and miscarriage, this is the first study to thoroughly control for morning sickness, which typically causes many women to avoid caffeine.

The study, which looked at 1,063 pregnant Kaiser Permanente members in San Francisco from October 1996 through October 1998, examined the caffeine effect among women who never changed their pattern of caffeine consumption during their pregnancy. Women who consumed 200 mg or more of caffeine per day (two or more cups of regular coffee or five 12-ounce cans of caffeinated soda) had twice the miscarriage risk as women who consumed no caffeine.

The increased risk of miscarriage appeared to be due to the caffeine itself, rather than other possible chemicals in coffee because caffeine intake from non-coffee sources such as caffeinated soda, tea and hot chocolate showed a similar increased risk of miscarriage."

Now if you read that carefully there are two KEY factors in this article. Allow me to show you:

"High doses of daily caffeine during pregnancy..."

".....the caffeine effect among women who never changed their pattern of caffeine consumption during their pregnancy."

This does not apply to those women who DO change their caffeine consumption or do NOT consume high doses daily. I did cut caffeine completely out of my diet when I was pregnant.

One thing that must be understood is that for the most part, anything is okay for a pregnant women in moderations (except alcohol but that's a given). I hope this enlightens you on the issue of caffeine and miscarriages. It is important to cut down or cut out but also know, that caffeine is not the sole cause or #1 cause of miscarriages.

Common Sense Is Not So Common

I am sitting in my office one fine afternoon. A former employee comes in to ask me about his W-2. I guess he knew I was pregnant before because he made a weird comment about the candy I was eating. I gave him a WTF? look.

He says "Cause you're pregnant." I tell him I am not and that I had a miscarriage. He seems concerned and sad for me at first but then ruins it with this oh-so-wonderful comment...

"Stop stressing out so much."

If looks could kill, he would be dead. I actually felt the nasty look I shot at him. I snapped. I told him the next time he hears someone had a miscarriage to NOT say that. He looks dumbfounded. Totally not understanding my anger. I tell him "You basically just told me I caused my miscarriage because I stressed out too much." He still doesn't seem to get it. He just says he knows that stress is the number one cause of miscarriages. I tell him he needs to do some research. I hand him what he needs then politely, yet sarcastically say "Now get out of my office."

I can't believe I snapped but I admit, I don't feel bad about it at all.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

My Husband Said the Sweetest Thing

I was showing my husband the new blog posted below with the pictures of our kitten Oscar. He pointed at the pictures and said "He is our first baby" I didn't understand what he meant. "Our is baby reincarnated in him."

I went to the kitchen to get some food and burst into tears. I came back into our room and thanked him for saying that.

I never thought of it that way. We got him the day after the D&C. I know some have planted trees in honor of their lost babies but we rent so we can't. I love thinking our kitty represents our first baby. I want to cry everytime I pet him! It makes Oscar mean so much more to me.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

I Think I am in Love

My kitten, Oscar, is the cutest little kitten pop. We got him the day after the miscarriage. Since then, he has at least tripled in size. He is adorable. See for yourself.....



Couldn't you just take a bite out of him!! Freakin Adorable!!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

My Cat Plays Fetch

My cat, Oscar, plays fetch! He will be playing with a toy or whatever he finds amusing on our bed. I will take it, throw it off the bed, and he jumps off and grabs it. He will then bring it back on the bed. I grab it and repeat. This hilarious. Just makes me think even more that he is actually a dog in cats clothing!

Monday, January 28, 2008

Pregnant Guidelines

Came across this on a message board and found it amusing. Although I think some of them are a little harsh but I completely agree with #3, 5 & 6. Read the next one, which a rebuttal to the first! Hilarious!!

Dear Non-Pregnant Person,

I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn't mean me- then you should probably read this twice.

1) The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is "Congratulations!" with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you an ####

2) Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father- not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase "my baby".

3) On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in #2, the pregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it.

4) The body of a pregnant women should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someones stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.

5) Likewise, no women wants to hear comments on her weight- ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is "You look fabulous!".

6) By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don't need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes.

7) There is a reason that tickets to L&D are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents.

8) Like everything else is life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital and the parents home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to "help out". If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.

9) If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.

10) The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.

I hope this helps- it sure makes me feel better.

~Author Unknown


Dear Pregnant Person,
I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with non-pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn't mean me- then you should probably read this twice.

1) Realize that if you tell a someone that you are having a baby and they don't respond with a shriek, spirit fingers, and an enthusiastic "Congratulations!", its probably because the vision of the havoc your spawn will someday wreak on the human race and just died a little inside. Assuming that everyone on the planet should be overcome with joy at the announcement of your pregnancy makes you an ass.

2) I don't want it to be "my baby." If I wanted a baby, I'd make one (and it would be way smarter and cuter than yours).

3) On the same note, if you are going to talk endlessly about said baby, and solicit my advice only to argue about how to raise this still conceptual child, please, don't ask my opinion. Just because I am not physically with child this moment doesn't mean I don't know jack *** about kids.

4) Your alien-like pokey outie belly button gives me the heeby jeebies. Please keep it far away from me. No, I don't want to touch it. Ewe.

5) Stop kidding yourself - its not ALL baby weight. I guarantee that kid doesn't weigh the 45 pounds you've put on.

6) But summer IS hot. Clearly, you weren't thinking when you chose to mate in late fall.

7) No one in their right mind wants to witness you giving birth. Even your husband is secretly repulsed by the miracle of life, but plays to your need for him to be "involved". Strongly reconsider your relationship with anyone who wants to be in the room while you squeeze that puppy out - cause they aren't right in the head.

8) Really, I don't want to go to your appointments. I have other things to do, like work, sleep, and binge drink. Nor do I want to hear about this week's 12.243 week checkup in EXCRUCIATING detail. Or see 13 different pictures of the same blob that in no way resembles human life yet and hear you say "oh, he has Ron's nose!"

9) Helping is what husbands are for. Don't ask your friends to be your maid, cook your food, or do any of the other things that your perfectly capable, fully-functioning adult husband can do with only a little nagging. Pioneer women had babies two at a time with no drugs in the corn crib, and go right back to hoeing the fields and hunting dinner mere hours later. Suck it up.

10) Really, I know you think everyone is just ALL about this baby of yours,, because, after all, the last nine months of OUR lives have revolved around YOUR offspring, but we really just tell you we can't wait to see the baby because we love you and we know its what you want to hear. Not that it isn't a BLAST to hang out with an exhausted new mom and poopy, fragile, caulicy baby on my day off.....Privilege my ass.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

A New Outlook

I have decided that I am going to have a more positive outlook of everything. I have spent the past few weeks in what feels like a black hole. I had someone tell me last night that I am not my usual bubbly self and that they know I have been through a lot but they missed the old me. This didn't upset up me at all, it just made me realize what a funk I have been in and that it is obvious.

I am usually good at saving face and putting on a smile but I guess it's not working this time. When someone who isn't around me much notices something like this, it sets off a red flag in my mind. Of course, it is because of other reasons than just the miscarriage. My self esteem is at its lowest it has ever been in my life but that's a whole other blog in itself.

So here I am vowing to myself, and anyone else who reads this, to have a more positive outlook. Try to go back to my normal self. So here it goes, Day 1. I will keep you updated.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

I Welcome Everything

I welcome everything. I welcome the morning sickness, the nausea, the face break outs, the sore boobs, the bloating, the weight gain....anything! I am okay with gaining 100 pounds if that means for me to birth a healthy baby. I am okay with throwing up everyday if that means a healthy baby.

When the day comes, I welcome everything.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

The Day You Slipped Away

This is a video I ran across on YouTube.com. It made me cry but I wanted to share it with you.

The song is Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne. Click on link below....


Lyrics of Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne

Nah-nah, nah nah nah, nah-nah
I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad.
I hope you can hear me,I remember it clearly...

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same

Oh Nah-nah, nah nah nah, nah-nah
I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand.
I wish that I could see you again,I know that I can't

I hope you can hear me,
'cause I remember it clearly...

The day you slipped away,
Was the day I found it won't be the same


I've had my wake up,
Won't you wake up,
I keep asking why.

And I can't take it,
It wasn't fake, it
It happened, you passed by

Now you're gone, now you're gone
There you go, there you go--
Somewhere, I can't bring you back!

Now you're gone, now you're gone
There you go, there you go--
Somewhere, you're not coming back

The day you slipped away,
Was the day I found it won't be the same, oh...

The day you slipped away,
Was the day that I found it won't be the same oh...

Nah-nah, nah nah nah, nah-nah

I miss you

The Quest to have a Baby

I never thought so much would go into conceiving a child. In the beginning, you picture a duration of passionate crazy nights of sex and excitement. Only to realize how much of a chore it becomes. Suddenly you are scheduling when you need to baby dance around busy schedules. You also think it will not be an issue of any kind. Sex = baby right? Wrong. It's all about timing. How will you know your timing is correct? Charts, temps, ovulation kits....takes the fun right out of it. It becomes this quest of determination to plant the seed. Every month, you only have only a 25% chance of getting pregnant. That is frustratingly low. Though so far we have not been bitten by the infertility bug, we have had our obstacles.

It the midst of all the baby dancing, two week wait after you ovulate, peeing on the life changing home pregnancy test; you forget to realize that getting pregnant is not the end of the pursuit. A whole other set of worries and rules set in. What to eat, what not to eat, no lifting, don't do this, make sure you do that. Then there is making it through what seems like an eternity......the 1st trimester. Typically, if you have a heartbeat by 7 weeks, your chances of miscarrying are 5%. For some women, that is high, too high, frighteningly high. We didn't have a heartbeat at 7 weeks. We are a part of a different statistic, one I never imagined I would relate to. Trying to conceive is a part time job in itself. It makes me realize what a true miracle birthing a healthy baby is. Now that's a world I would love to live in....Motherhood.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

It would be nice.....

It would be nice if people learned to have more tact. I think the world would be a better place.

For those who don't know what it means to be tactful, here's a clue: a keen sense of what to do or say in order to maintain good relations with others or avoid offense.

Learn it. Live it. Love it.

The End

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

What NOT to say to someone who has experienced a Miscarriage

In this horrible experience, I have come across the most supportive and sincere people. They have truly helped me through this process more than they will ever imagine. But I have also come across insensitive, oblivious people who have no idea what to say to comfort a person who has experienced a miscarriage. It seriously feels like their common sense goes out the window. I can even say that a few of these women have had miscarriages themselves.

I understand that everyone is different, grieves different and is comforted different. However, after being a part of an AMAZING support group full of awesome ladies who have experienced the same thing I can honestly report the DOs and DON'TS of comforting a person who has experienced a miscarriage. I understand that most of these comments are merely the innocent attempt to provide comfort and hope. I guess this is my way of letting some of you know that it is not always the case. Especially if you hear the same comments over and over. After awhile it makes you want to scream. Here they are (and this is only to name a few).....

  • It is all a part of God's Plan..... Unless the person is extremely religious and you know that they believe this too, please keep these types of comments to yourself. No one wants to hear that this "plan" was what God meant for you.

  • It was not meant to be....... First thing that goes through my head when I hear this is WHY NOT? Especially if the women tried for their baby. We thought it was meant to be which is why we tried in the first place.

  • It was not the right time, When the time is right you will have a baby.... Kind of goes along with the above. WHY wasn't it the right time?? We tried for this baby, we KNOW it's the right time for us. If it wasn't we wouldn't have tried. All this comment does is make us feel that you are saying we are too young or not mature enough to handle a baby right now.

  • Everything happens for a reason.... Really, then give me a reason why this happened? The answer to that will probably follow with any of the insensitive comments below. How can you justify an answer to this?

  • At least you can get pregnant... That's great. But isn't the ultimate goal to BIRTH a baby? You can't exactly do this if you have miscarriage. The ability to get pregnant means nothing compared to being able to carry to term. Just ask the ladies who have had multiple miscarriages. Getting pregnant is a huge step in the process, not the ultimate goal.

  • At Least it happened early before you get attached... Ask yourself this, can you honestly say this comment is true? Can you honestly say that it should hurt LESS?

  • It wasn't a baby yet.... Tell that to its beating heart when it suddenly stops.

  • There was something wrong with the baby/It's better than having a retarded baby... For one, how do you know I wouldn't accept and love a "retarded" baby just the same? Ask parents of mentally challenged children if they would have rather had a miscarriage.

  • You will get pregnant again/You will have other children.... Yes, you are correct in this but how is this supposed to make me feel better about THIS baby? Would you say the same thing to a mother/father who just lost a young child months/years after its birth?

Now for the DON'Ts.....

  • Do not follow a miscarriage story with stories of your abortion(s)
  • Do not offer us one of your kids
  • Do not flood us with your own ultrasound pictures, new baby pictures, random cute children pictures unless we ASK
  • Do not tell stories of your friend who had multiple miscarriages before she had her 2 kids.....especially if it is our first miscarriage. The last thing we need our heads is the possibility of this happening again
  • Do not assume or ask us if the cause of the miscarriage was possibly due to something that was in our control. Examples: Was it because you flew on a plane? Was it because you ate sushi? Was it because you drank that one night before you knew you were pregnant?
  • Don't stare at us like we are from another planet
  • Don't uncomfortably shift in your chair or sit in silence.
  • Don't discuss our miscarriage with other people. If we want certain people knowing, we will tell them ourselves.

At last but NOT least.....

  • Do not assume that because it has been X amount of weeks/months/years that we should be over it and not allowed to be upset, scared or grieve. This is something that will live in our hearts forever even after we birth healthy children. It's hard to truly understand what we are going through unless it has happened to you. Even if it took one person a shorter amount of time than another to move on doesn't give you the right to be shocked, annoyed or unsupportive when we are still grieving.

The DOs:

  • Tell us you are sorry
  • Tell us you are here for us
  • Give us a hug
  • Offer your shoulder, your ear, your heart
  • Ask us if we are okay...even if it is weeks/months since.
  • Be our friend

I hope this has shed some light for anyone who is stuck not knowing how to react or what to say when wanting to offer support or comfort. It's amazing how great people are with handling this type of crisis or traumatic experience.

Thank you to all those who have been there for me. A special thanks to the ladies of the Nest Pregnancy Loss board. You have been the most amazing support system and I would not be where I am now if I didn't have all of your kind words of encouragement and support!

Miscarriage Statistics

I was googling trying to find info about miscarriage statistics and this is what I found....

The statistics regarding miscarriage vary widely depending on the source. Here are some of the basic numbers.

Almost 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, with the majority occurring during the first 12 weeks.

There is a 75% chance of miscarriage in weeks 1-2 of pregnancy, when you do not know you are pregnant.

There is a 10% chance of miscarriage in weeks 3-6 and this number drops to 5% during weeks 6-12.

During the second trimester the chance of miscarriage drops again to 3%. After you’ve reached 20 weeks gestation, it is no longer considered a miscarriage.

For repeat miscarriage the statistic are as follows:

If you have had a miscarriage during your first pregnancy, your chances of another miscarriage are 10-13%.

If you have had one or more live births and one miscarriage your chance of another miscarriage is around 10%.

There is a 40% chance of a repeat miscarriage if you have had two pregnancies and two miscarriages.

The chance of multiple miscarriages is lower, at around 13%, if you have had one or more live births.

If you have had three pregnancies and three miscarriages there is a 60% chance you will miscarry again. If you have had four miscarriages with no live births your chances of a healthy pregnancy drop to 0-5%.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Sunken Ship

My ship has sunk. I was sailing into the beautiful sunset, ready for the new and excited for whats to come. But underneath all this new found glory, I am scared to death. Just when I thought I rising from all the wreckage, I have fallen back.

My hopes for future happiness have been crushed by my own worries and thoughts. Watching all the pregnant women walking around makes my heart ache. The thought of disappointment this month if I find out I am not pregnant is unbearable right now. I am patiently waiting for my emotions to snap back into place but I feel like such a mess.

It's just a giant waiting game. Waiting to see what the future holds. Waiting to be pregnant again. But I am beginning to realize where I went wrong the first time. I wanted to be pregnant. All I could think about is getting pregnant. Well I got pregnant. But I got it all wrong, so wrong. Pregnancy is not the goal and you need to look beyond the pregnancy. Ultimately what I should be wishing for is a baby. I now know that it is a baby I need to hope for not the mere fact of getting pregnant.

It has changed. I'm not scared of not getting pregnant, I am scared of not staying pregnant. It feels as though you are never in the clear of miscarriage until the baby is born and then there is a whole other realm of worries. I feel like I have been hit by a mack truck. I want so bad for the emotional healing to be over. This is a roller coaster ride I can't wait to finish. Just when I get excited, it sends me through a loop.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

I am a Miscarriage Survivor

I am a miscarriage survivor. But what does it mean to be a miscarriage survivor?

The dictionary defines survivor as to remain alive or in existence. My baby isn't alive, is no longer in existence. But I am, so that makes me a survivor?? There has to be more to it.

A survivor is also defined as to carry on despite hardships or trauma, to persevere. I survived the physical aspects of a miscarriage. For those who have never had one only look at it from the emotion stand point of loss. What most people don't understand is that you not only go through a miscarriage emotionally, but you go through it physically. After the physical part is over, you are left feeling empty with a great deal of sorrow you never felt possible. The disappointment is overwhelming. You feel like a failure in the eyes of your family, friends and your husband. I was unable to carry this child to term. I announced this amazing news and now I have failed. I failed to carry this child to what it should have been, to what it could have been. I ripped the dream of being a grandmother from my mom. Her excitement turned to sorrow. My husband will not be a father in July. He won't be able to have his summer baby. I worked through all these emotions and come out in one piece. I have coped with the trauma and persevered through it. As much as humanly possible I have persevered through it.

But have I really? Can you ever actually move past something like this? If I never get through this completely, have I truely survived it? At what point do I actually become a survivor?

This experience and sorrow will stay with me for the rest of my life. As the years go on it will be dulled with the joy of future children. But for now, I think about this everyday.

I am a miscarriage survivor, I will always be a miscarriage survivor. A part of my past I can never erase, a part of my past that will always stay with me.

I am a miscarriage survivor.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Has the cloud lifted?

I woke up a few days ago and it was as if the cloud had finally started to lift. For the first time in weeks I feel slightly normal. I'm wondering how long this will last. Randy has noticed a big difference in me and he loves it. I am hoping that this isn't just a random hormone spurt that will soon fall.

The emotional rollercoaster you go through after a miscarriage is indescribable. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. And now it feels as though I am off the bumpy ride and on flat ground. I want to lose the weight I gained from being pregnant and being depressed about the miscarriage. I want to jump back into the TTC (trying to conceive) boat and give it another try. Aunt flo is here and has given me hope for the future.

I'm hoping my blogs will become happier and more random like the person I really am. So for those of you who actually read my blog, I need some major baby dust!! Send all you got my way!!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

I think my cat is a dog

I think my kitten, Oscar, is a dog in a cat's body. He is an adorable 3 months old with a ton of spunk. I guess you could call him an average male kitten. But there's one thing, he is not afraid of anything.

Any typical cat would go running at the mere sound of the vacuum cleaner. He stays put and then finds something to chase. He is not afraid of the noise of clapping your hands or wen you sneeze or cough. He is not afraid of anything! If I leave anything sitting out he is right there chewing it to pieces. He digs through the kitchen and bathroom trash. He loves to play, cuddle, be picked up and held, lay in your lap & kissed on top of the head. When you throw a toy he may chase it for a second but then he will put it in his mouth and carry it around like he just conquered his villian.

We have two dogs at our house. One is a yellow lab and the other is a great dane. When he first sees them on the other side of the sliding glass door, he runs up with such excitement he doesn't realize he can't go through the door and runs right into it. He continues to meow at the dogs and wants to play. He meets Jake, the yellow lab, and he is all over him. Batting at his face, rubbing on his legs. To Oscar, Jake is the next best thing since sliced bread.

He meets the great dane, Duke....now keep in mind that Duke's head comes up to my boobs. He is about 150 pounds. Oscar jumps at his face and CHASES Duke around the house!! The other morning, the dogs were sleeping in the garage and then they are let out side. Oscar is perched on the top of the couch waiting. Duke comes out of the garage and walks past the couch. Oscar takes a flying leap off the couch right at Duke's face. Duke jumps back and runs outside. Imagine that, a 4 pound kitten jumping at a 150 pound dog with no fear.

He is the cutest thing ever! And he gets much joy out of unrolling the toilet paper roll that is on the holder, leaving a huge pile of paper on the floor.

Oh- did I mention he likes to lay on his back with his legs spread open and air out his junk?

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Here's to 2008

Cheers to a new beginning!! Hopefully it will be filled with the pidder-padder of tiny little feet. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we embark on our second round of trying to conceive.

Cheers to 2008!!