My daughter is now almost 15 months old. The question of when we are planning to have another is starting to creep into casual conversations. I know several women around me that are pregnant or TTC (Trying to Conceive). This definitely makes me think about baby #2 more.... but I am not ready... yet. Ask me again in a year.
Thinking about TTC brings up a lot of emotions, more than the average person I would think. I have 2 things not on my side, 2 big things. One is a huge statistic and the other, though you make think it's a small statistic, is actually a big one for me as well. I've said before, once you find yourself apart of a small statistic, it no longer seems so small.
My first statistic, the "small" one, is the fear of another miscarriage. The constant worrying, analyzing every symptom, taking several pregnancy tests just to be sure it's still positive, checking the toilet paper to make sure there is no blood (yes, I did this. If you have been through it, you'd understand), and the waiting.....waiting....waiting to get out of the first trimester and for each ultrasound to see everything is still going okay.
My second statistic is the 40% chance I have of another premature birth. I cannot and do not want to go through NICU time ever again. And having a child already is not going to make it any easier to visit and deal with the tidal wave of emotions that it brings on.
Combine those two and it does not equal pregnancy bliss for me. It makes me scared and angry. Why can't I seem to carry a baby to full term? Even if I make it out of the miscarriage danger zone, will I make it to full term?? What is wrong with my body?? How I am supposed to rest with a busy toddler running around? Should I even risk it? Should Hailey be an only child?
So yea, I try to avoid thinking about TTC again for now. Thinking about it opens the flood gates. This is not something I am ready to deal with. Thankfully, my annual appointment with my OB is supposed to be next month (time to make that appointment actually) so I am planning on discussing this with him. It's quite possible we will be either TTC or seriously thinking about it by the time I'd see him again. I am hoping he will give me some light at the end of this tunnel.
To be naive again.... that's what I would like. To not have any fear of anything when it comes to TTC and pregnancy. I'd love to just get pregnant and always assume pregnant = baby. My previous history doesn't guarantee that. My previous history makes me worried about the outcome. How early will my pregnancy end this time? Can I actually carry to full term? I am putting all my bets that I will carry to term but my previous history makes me doubt that every second I think about it.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
October 15th: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day
October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. Each year, over half a million dreams are shattered. Out of 3.3 million born alive, some 30,000 die during the first 28 days. Another 39,000 babies are still born. Miscarriage occurs in fifteen to twenty percent of pregnancies, while ectopic pregnancy occurs in one percent.
More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.
On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Satisfaction Not Guaranteed
Nothing in life is ever a guarantee. And I don't think most would think twice about this until something has happened to them to make them think otherwise.
I had a miscarriage almost 2 years ago. Up until that point, I always assumed pregnancy = baby. I never thought twice about it when I found out I was pregnant or when I had found out someone else was pregnant.
Now I know this isn't always the case. There is no guarantee.
Now whenever I hear the news of some one's pregnancy & how far along they are, I instantly tense up. If I find out that someone is very early & announcing their pregnancy, I have to take a deep breath. And even to try to tell myself, just because it has happened to me, doesn't mean it will happen to someone else.
Untelling everyone when I miscarried was painful. It was like a dagger in my heart every time I had to watch the expressions on people's faces change when I broke the news to them. When I got pregnant again, with Hailey, we didn't announce it to everyone until after 10 weeks when we had seen the heartbeat twice.
After my miscarriage, I know it put the fear in some of my friends heads that it would happen to them when they became pregnant. I was convinced I had taken one for the team, so none of them would ever experience what I did.
I told myself this... but it hasn't happened this way. Two friends have recently miscarried. It was hard to hear it. It was hard to even be on the other end of it. It brought up old emotions & anxieties. I knew what they were going through and wanted so bad to take it away. I hadn't taken one for the team after all.
Then there are the women who do not know the heartache. The heartache surrounding those who have experienced it or being around someone who has. A friend of mine, who had experienced a loss herself, said recently "I always say that there are women who get pregnant and have no question in their mind that pregnancy = baby. After a loss, even an early one, you always know that just because you get that second line on a test you aren't guaranteed to be holding a baby at the end of it."
I am jealous of those women. I wish I was naive to this type of pain. Most women have blissful pregnancies, not a worry in sight other than gaining too much weight maybe. I am sure they have their fears but they do not have this one. Most women are busy celebrating their pregnancies while I will be hoping to sustain it. Most women worry about finances, symptoms, giving birth, gaining weight, motherhood.... I will worry about my baby dying inside of me.
I wish there was a way to get that guarantee. But it's impossible. Another example of how miscarriage has plagued my life with anger & resentment. I want that guarantee.
I had a miscarriage almost 2 years ago. Up until that point, I always assumed pregnancy = baby. I never thought twice about it when I found out I was pregnant or when I had found out someone else was pregnant.
Now I know this isn't always the case. There is no guarantee.
Now whenever I hear the news of some one's pregnancy & how far along they are, I instantly tense up. If I find out that someone is very early & announcing their pregnancy, I have to take a deep breath. And even to try to tell myself, just because it has happened to me, doesn't mean it will happen to someone else.
Untelling everyone when I miscarried was painful. It was like a dagger in my heart every time I had to watch the expressions on people's faces change when I broke the news to them. When I got pregnant again, with Hailey, we didn't announce it to everyone until after 10 weeks when we had seen the heartbeat twice.
After my miscarriage, I know it put the fear in some of my friends heads that it would happen to them when they became pregnant. I was convinced I had taken one for the team, so none of them would ever experience what I did.
I told myself this... but it hasn't happened this way. Two friends have recently miscarried. It was hard to hear it. It was hard to even be on the other end of it. It brought up old emotions & anxieties. I knew what they were going through and wanted so bad to take it away. I hadn't taken one for the team after all.
Then there are the women who do not know the heartache. The heartache surrounding those who have experienced it or being around someone who has. A friend of mine, who had experienced a loss herself, said recently "I always say that there are women who get pregnant and have no question in their mind that pregnancy = baby. After a loss, even an early one, you always know that just because you get that second line on a test you aren't guaranteed to be holding a baby at the end of it."
I am jealous of those women. I wish I was naive to this type of pain. Most women have blissful pregnancies, not a worry in sight other than gaining too much weight maybe. I am sure they have their fears but they do not have this one. Most women are busy celebrating their pregnancies while I will be hoping to sustain it. Most women worry about finances, symptoms, giving birth, gaining weight, motherhood.... I will worry about my baby dying inside of me.
I wish there was a way to get that guarantee. But it's impossible. Another example of how miscarriage has plagued my life with anger & resentment. I want that guarantee.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Honest Scrap Award
I was given the Honest Scrap Award by Jennifer, a follow blogger!
This award is given to blogs that write honestly and from the depth of their soul, according to her blog.
There are a couple of rules to accepting the award. Firstly is to pass the award on to 7 other bloggers, and secondly to list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.
The following are blogs that I read on a daily basis and can relate to on some level. I love being a part of the blogger community and reading the thoughts of those who are experiencing or have experienced the same that I have.
Without further ado, my nominations!
1. Brooke, author of Mommy in Chief
2. Suzie, author of Recovering Actress
3. Karla, author of My Life by Khloe Marilyn
4. Danielle, author of Surviving the Quarter Life
5. Trish, author of Fertile Hope
6. Michele, author of Michele with one L
7. Sara, author of The Brown Family
And for the 10 honest thing about myself:
1. I am the worst with typos. It's not so much that I cannot spell, more like I type too fast, proofread horribly, & my fingers seems to be dyslexic!
2. I never wear shoes unless I have to. Otherwise I am always barefoot or in sandals. My rough heels show it!
3. Even though the above it true, I always sleep with socks on!
4. I cannot stand the touch of velvet. Touching it is like finger nails on a chalkboard for me. It makes me shutter and feel like I have something on my teeth!
5. I do my make up in the morning using my compact mirror. Here I have 3 bathrooms with huge mirrors in each and I choose to sit on my couch and use my tiny compact mirror.
6. I never wear shorts.
7. I hate talking on the phone. At first I was reluctant to begin texting but now I love it because it's quick & easier then getting stuck on the phone. My husband and I even changed our plan to lower our minutes because both of us hardly talk & text so much.
8. I cannot swim in a lake, river, or ocean if I can see the bottom & cannot touch the bottom. It freaks me out. If it is too deep to touch the bottom I'd rather not be able to see it.
9. I am a very random person. I have a dry sense of humor even though I don't like to describe myself that way.
10. I quote movies or TV shows if the quote fits in the conversation. A lot of people do not catch on and I am surprised when they do. My husband got really sunburned this past weekend and I stroked his red back and said "You're my lobster!" My husband nor the couple we were with knew where that came from. (10 points to the 1st person who knows where the came from and who said it!!).
This was fun, hope you enjoyed!!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Names in the Sand
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Female Envy
Female envy takes so many difference forms. Actually, envy itself comes in many forms. Female envy is in a category of its own. It's practically a phenomenon.
Every human being feels jealously over something at some point in their lives, for some on a daily basis. I definitely feel envious of a lot of things.
Females handle this emotion so differently then men (naturally) but what gets me the most is when female envy brings out the very worst in some women. A woman can go from a heartfelt, compassionate woman to a fire-breathing, rip-your-throat-out devil woman. I know a few women like this.
It really peeves me that this type of emotion warrants such ridiculous behavior. The malicious intent behind reactions caused by female envy are amazing. Let the she-bitch out and there is no turning back.
Women can be so competitive. Everything amongst our species seems to be a giant competition. Who has the biggest boobs, who has the smallest measurement, who has the cutest boyfriend. You name it. We all do it. Every woman has had her she-bitch moments.
I think some women can handle their inner she-bitch better than others. Of course for any women, the she-bitch takes over eventually and all hell breaks loose. What irritates me the most is when the she-bitch takes control over a women's entire emotional well-being to the point where the inner she-bitch is now just a bitch.
I can be jealous and genuinely happy for someone at the same time. I have never been the type to allow the inner she-bitch to take control unless it's totally appropriate (of course I'd be lying if I said I have never let her get out of control! ha). If a women is prettier than me then I just stare at her more and I won't refuse to befriend her because she's prettier than me. I won't put her under a microscope and point out every flaw just to make myself feel better (unless she is just an utter bitch, but then she deserves it). <--- See! Female Envy right there!! ha!
There was this girl in High School, we will call her Mary, who absolutely hated me. I never so much as had a conversation with her that was more than a simple "Hello" yet she couldn't stand me. I never understood it but I also never questioned her. It really didn't make much of a difference to me but it always puzzled me how Mary could hate me so much even though she didn't know a thing about me.
About 2 years out of high school I ran into Mary at a random house party with people I would never think she would know (small world). Mary immediately said Hello in such a joyful manner I actually turned around to see if she was talking to someone behind me. No one was there. I was so confused. She asked all about myself, wanted to know what I have been doing since graduation, etc. Not wanting to be rude, I answered her.
She continues to talk to me as if we were old best friends. Finally, I just couldn't hold it in any longer. I asked her (I think these are close to my exact words) "Why are you talking to me? You hated me in high school and now you are talking to me like we are old friends." I said it tactfully because I wasn't angry, just confused by her friendliness.
Mary admitted to me that she didn't like me in high school because a guy who she had a big crush on would go on and on about how much he liked me and how pretty he thought I was. She said it made her hate me because he didn't think of her that way and she couldn't stand when he and his friends would gock over me. I was surprised by her honesty & she seemed genuinely embarrassed by her behavior.
This baffled me. I couldn't believe she would treat me in such a manner all because of a boy who liked me. And ironically, I had no idea who the guy was. I couldn't even begin to picture a face because the name didn't even sound remotely familiar. Her jealously prevented us from becoming friends or even acquaintances. I just couldn't understand. When I dislike people, it's usually for a valid reason and not solely based on someones looks or others fondness of someones appearance.
There are people in my life now, who act similar to Mary even in their adulthood. I wonder what drives this. Drives females to be so hateful of each other. I have heard countless times women describe themselves as someone who doesn't get along with females. Usually "catty,""bitches," or "drama" is followed for an explanation.
Although female envy exists in every female...even me. This must be one of life's rhetorical questions. Ask all you want but you will never get an answer.
Every human being feels jealously over something at some point in their lives, for some on a daily basis. I definitely feel envious of a lot of things.
Females handle this emotion so differently then men (naturally) but what gets me the most is when female envy brings out the very worst in some women. A woman can go from a heartfelt, compassionate woman to a fire-breathing, rip-your-throat-out devil woman. I know a few women like this.
It really peeves me that this type of emotion warrants such ridiculous behavior. The malicious intent behind reactions caused by female envy are amazing. Let the she-bitch out and there is no turning back.
Women can be so competitive. Everything amongst our species seems to be a giant competition. Who has the biggest boobs, who has the smallest measurement, who has the cutest boyfriend. You name it. We all do it. Every woman has had her she-bitch moments.
I think some women can handle their inner she-bitch better than others. Of course for any women, the she-bitch takes over eventually and all hell breaks loose. What irritates me the most is when the she-bitch takes control over a women's entire emotional well-being to the point where the inner she-bitch is now just a bitch.
I can be jealous and genuinely happy for someone at the same time. I have never been the type to allow the inner she-bitch to take control unless it's totally appropriate (of course I'd be lying if I said I have never let her get out of control! ha). If a women is prettier than me then I just stare at her more and I won't refuse to befriend her because she's prettier than me. I won't put her under a microscope and point out every flaw just to make myself feel better (unless she is just an utter bitch, but then she deserves it). <--- See! Female Envy right there!! ha!
There was this girl in High School, we will call her Mary, who absolutely hated me. I never so much as had a conversation with her that was more than a simple "Hello" yet she couldn't stand me. I never understood it but I also never questioned her. It really didn't make much of a difference to me but it always puzzled me how Mary could hate me so much even though she didn't know a thing about me.
About 2 years out of high school I ran into Mary at a random house party with people I would never think she would know (small world). Mary immediately said Hello in such a joyful manner I actually turned around to see if she was talking to someone behind me. No one was there. I was so confused. She asked all about myself, wanted to know what I have been doing since graduation, etc. Not wanting to be rude, I answered her.
She continues to talk to me as if we were old best friends. Finally, I just couldn't hold it in any longer. I asked her (I think these are close to my exact words) "Why are you talking to me? You hated me in high school and now you are talking to me like we are old friends." I said it tactfully because I wasn't angry, just confused by her friendliness.
Mary admitted to me that she didn't like me in high school because a guy who she had a big crush on would go on and on about how much he liked me and how pretty he thought I was. She said it made her hate me because he didn't think of her that way and she couldn't stand when he and his friends would gock over me. I was surprised by her honesty & she seemed genuinely embarrassed by her behavior.
This baffled me. I couldn't believe she would treat me in such a manner all because of a boy who liked me. And ironically, I had no idea who the guy was. I couldn't even begin to picture a face because the name didn't even sound remotely familiar. Her jealously prevented us from becoming friends or even acquaintances. I just couldn't understand. When I dislike people, it's usually for a valid reason and not solely based on someones looks or others fondness of someones appearance.
There are people in my life now, who act similar to Mary even in their adulthood. I wonder what drives this. Drives females to be so hateful of each other. I have heard countless times women describe themselves as someone who doesn't get along with females. Usually "catty,""bitches," or "drama" is followed for an explanation.
Although female envy exists in every female...even me. This must be one of life's rhetorical questions. Ask all you want but you will never get an answer.
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