Monday, January 7, 2008

Sunken Ship

My ship has sunk. I was sailing into the beautiful sunset, ready for the new and excited for whats to come. But underneath all this new found glory, I am scared to death. Just when I thought I rising from all the wreckage, I have fallen back.

My hopes for future happiness have been crushed by my own worries and thoughts. Watching all the pregnant women walking around makes my heart ache. The thought of disappointment this month if I find out I am not pregnant is unbearable right now. I am patiently waiting for my emotions to snap back into place but I feel like such a mess.

It's just a giant waiting game. Waiting to see what the future holds. Waiting to be pregnant again. But I am beginning to realize where I went wrong the first time. I wanted to be pregnant. All I could think about is getting pregnant. Well I got pregnant. But I got it all wrong, so wrong. Pregnancy is not the goal and you need to look beyond the pregnancy. Ultimately what I should be wishing for is a baby. I now know that it is a baby I need to hope for not the mere fact of getting pregnant.

It has changed. I'm not scared of not getting pregnant, I am scared of not staying pregnant. It feels as though you are never in the clear of miscarriage until the baby is born and then there is a whole other realm of worries. I feel like I have been hit by a mack truck. I want so bad for the emotional healing to be over. This is a roller coaster ride I can't wait to finish. Just when I get excited, it sends me through a loop.

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