Thursday, December 20, 2007

It's only been three weeks

It has been three weeks today since the D&C. Three weeks.....and I am acting as if everything is fine. I haven't been pregnant for three weeks. Guess what, I'm am not okay.

Today was supposed to be our first ultrasound appointment. I should be celebrating with my husband the sound of our baby's heartbeat. I should have pictures to show the family at Christmas. And I don't. I fell a part last night. I couldn't stop crying.

I need to stop pretending that everything is okay when it's not. I am not sure what to say when friends or family ask me how I am doing. Do I tell them, "I am not okay and I think it's going to be awhile until I am." This is a long nightmare I am waiting to wake up from. Although, when I do wake up, I still won't be pregnant.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Pregnancy Club

I was once a member of the Pregnancy Club, my membership card consisting of two pink lines on a stick. I was eager to pay my dues, just like all the other members. Morning sickness, stretch marks, cravings -- I welcomed them all.

But they never came. And before I knew it, my membership was revoked. No real reason -- at least none I could discern -- other than bad timing, perhaps. Or, at least, that's what everyone's been telling me. That and "God's plan."

Miscarriage is a terrible word. As if one has dropped something, or carried something incorrectly. Similar to "mistake" or "misunderstanding." How I longed for it to be either of those things when I learned my baby was gone. Surely, it was a mistake, I prayed. If they would just look again, they would learn it was all a simple misunderstanding.

But the ultrasound screen showed otherwise.

1 out of every 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, say the books. That statistic terrified me when I was pregnant. So many lost babies, I thought. How can I keep mine from being one of them? But now that mine is one of them, that 1 out of 5 seems awfully small.

Or, at least, it did. Until soft-speaking female voices started whispering to me in my grief, "It happened to me, too." Their eyes told me the stories of the pain that we shared, the pain that only a woman who has carried a child - and lost it - could know. For some, it was fresh pain. For others, it was dulled by healthy babies since born.

A sisterhood of sadness.

It's a silent group, this new club of which I have recently become a reluctant member. Our membership cards are the scars we will always carry on our hearts. Our dues are paid in blood and tears. It is a painful initiation, and one never ceases membership. Because one never forgets.

I am joining, not because I want to, but because I wasn't given the choice. But at least I know I'm not alone. At least I know there are hundreds of thousands of women with me, however silent and invisible, quietly holding my hand.

~Author Unknown. I couldn't of written it better myself! Thanks to the person who wrote this.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Thank you for being amazing

I met you when I was 18, fresh out of my first year of college. There was definitely something different about you and I always knew you were the one for me.

We have been through so much together in the 7 years we have been together. Through it all we have always made it out as strong as ever. I think that this is probably the hardest thing we have ever had to deal with together. I am so lucky to have someone like you. You are stronger than you will ever know and if I didn't have you to lean on throughout all of this, I would have fallen apart. I don't how I could have made it through this without your love and support. You have grown into such an amazing man and you are going to make an amazing father.

Thank you for being my shoulder to cry on. Thank you for being there for me every second. Thank you for my being my rock and giving me hope for the future. Thank you for being strong for me and for us. Thank you for crying with me. Thank you for making me feel like the luckiest woman in this world. Thank you for being such a supportive husband. Thank you for being so amazing.

I love you more than you can imagine. Marrying you was the best decision I have ever made.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Tarot Cards jinxed me

There are so many people who believe and even live by these readings. I have had one reading in my life. Count!! You're never going to believe this.....

I am not the kind of person that would usually believe in this kind of thing. I am more of a Karma person than anything. Not that this experience has made me a believer but it certainly has made me think twice about ever getting another reading done. If something is destined to happen to me.....I don't want to know.

My first reading was in high school. The summer in between Junior and Senior year. I was taking Economics and American Government during the summer session. There was this weird girl in my class. I think she was a year older than me and taking the class in order to graduate.

For some reason, she did a tarot card reading on me. I don't even know how she got me to do it but she did. I don't remember what cards came up but I will remember her interpretation for the rest of my life.

She stated that my first pregnancy would end in miscarriage. I freaked out. Even then that was one of my worst fears and it made me feel uncomfortable and scared. I asked her if the other pregnancies would be okay. She said that they would be fine just not the first one.

I tried to forget this experience but it has always stuck with me. I remember telling Autum this after I got a negative home pregnancy test a few days before I got the positive one. It makes me feel angry that that reading was ever performed like it jinxed me. Also, it made me feel as though having the reading in the first place gave me bad karma. Although, it does give me hope for my second pregnancy. So I guess now I consider it a bitter sweet experience.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

My new adorable distraction

I have am amazing husband. Not only has he been my rock throughout this whole ordeal, he has given me my Christmas present a little early. I been wanting a new kitty for the longest time. Here he is. His name is Oscar.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Life after loss

This is a roller coaster ride I am tired of being on. One day I feel great....wait one MOMENT I feel great and then suddenly I come crashing down. I think everything is going to keep going up and then I fall apart.

I talked about my miscarriage today with my assistant. I didn't get teary eyes, I didn't go into my office and cry afterwards. Great. I am on the road to recovery. As the day goes on (without any talk of it) I get more and more depressed. Randy and I go to Walmart to get some shopping done. Here we are strolling down the juice aisle. I am trying to find the juice I like and then I hear it. A new baby crying. And there it is......5 feet away. I look at Randy "that's just what need to hear." I try so hard to ignore and act like I don't hear it, like its not echoing through my head. My heart sinks. We are on the chip aisle now and I want to cry. I bite my lip. I turn around to leave the aisle and here we are....facing the baby aisle with crib set ups. WHY??

I know its going to take time. Sooner or later this will get better.

Monday, December 3, 2007

What just happened?

One of my worst fears came true. You know those surveys you get in your email, or even on myspace bulletins? They always have the same questions on them. One of them usually is...what is your worst fear?

We were so excited. We made that giant leap, that huge decision that will change our lives forever. We are going to start a family. And to our surprise, we got pregnant on the first try! I couldn't believe the home pregnancy test. Those 2 lines that change your life forever. We got two lines!! We are pregnant.

We were excited, scared and everything all at once. We shared our joy with our family and friends. We were so excited to begin the next stage in our lives.

And then one day, it is ripped out from underneath us. 7 weeks into my pregnancy, I started bleeding...... After a long night at the ER, it is discovered that not only am I not 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant, there is no heartbeat. The baby measured 6 weeks and 4 days. And there was no heartbeat....

We went to the OB only for him to confirm what we feared, this is not a viable pregnancy. The baby did not develop like it should have. It was not what a 7 week and 3 day old fetus should look like, it wasn't even what a 6 week old fetus should look like.

We are devastated, we are heartbroken. You can't imagine the disappoint we felt. We told our family, we told our friends and now we have to break the terrible news.

This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my short 26 years. I can't explain the devastation and the sorrow. Even though I wasn't pregnant for long, I was so attached, so excited. I had been dreaming about becoming a mother for as long as I can remember. And here we are...back to the drawing board. We have to start over. We lost our first baby. I now have a history of miscarriage.