Monday, January 28, 2008

Pregnant Guidelines

Came across this on a message board and found it amusing. Although I think some of them are a little harsh but I completely agree with #3, 5 & 6. Read the next one, which a rebuttal to the first! Hilarious!!

Dear Non-Pregnant Person,

I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn't mean me- then you should probably read this twice.

1) The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is "Congratulations!" with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you an ####

2) Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father- not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase "my baby".

3) On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in #2, the pregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it.

4) The body of a pregnant women should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someones stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.

5) Likewise, no women wants to hear comments on her weight- ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is "You look fabulous!".

6) By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don't need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes.

7) There is a reason that tickets to L&D are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents.

8) Like everything else is life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital and the parents home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to "help out". If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.

9) If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.

10) The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.

I hope this helps- it sure makes me feel better.

~Author Unknown


Dear Pregnant Person,
I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with non-pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn't mean me- then you should probably read this twice.

1) Realize that if you tell a someone that you are having a baby and they don't respond with a shriek, spirit fingers, and an enthusiastic "Congratulations!", its probably because the vision of the havoc your spawn will someday wreak on the human race and just died a little inside. Assuming that everyone on the planet should be overcome with joy at the announcement of your pregnancy makes you an ass.

2) I don't want it to be "my baby." If I wanted a baby, I'd make one (and it would be way smarter and cuter than yours).

3) On the same note, if you are going to talk endlessly about said baby, and solicit my advice only to argue about how to raise this still conceptual child, please, don't ask my opinion. Just because I am not physically with child this moment doesn't mean I don't know jack *** about kids.

4) Your alien-like pokey outie belly button gives me the heeby jeebies. Please keep it far away from me. No, I don't want to touch it. Ewe.

5) Stop kidding yourself - its not ALL baby weight. I guarantee that kid doesn't weigh the 45 pounds you've put on.

6) But summer IS hot. Clearly, you weren't thinking when you chose to mate in late fall.

7) No one in their right mind wants to witness you giving birth. Even your husband is secretly repulsed by the miracle of life, but plays to your need for him to be "involved". Strongly reconsider your relationship with anyone who wants to be in the room while you squeeze that puppy out - cause they aren't right in the head.

8) Really, I don't want to go to your appointments. I have other things to do, like work, sleep, and binge drink. Nor do I want to hear about this week's 12.243 week checkup in EXCRUCIATING detail. Or see 13 different pictures of the same blob that in no way resembles human life yet and hear you say "oh, he has Ron's nose!"

9) Helping is what husbands are for. Don't ask your friends to be your maid, cook your food, or do any of the other things that your perfectly capable, fully-functioning adult husband can do with only a little nagging. Pioneer women had babies two at a time with no drugs in the corn crib, and go right back to hoeing the fields and hunting dinner mere hours later. Suck it up.

10) Really, I know you think everyone is just ALL about this baby of yours,, because, after all, the last nine months of OUR lives have revolved around YOUR offspring, but we really just tell you we can't wait to see the baby because we love you and we know its what you want to hear. Not that it isn't a BLAST to hang out with an exhausted new mom and poopy, fragile, caulicy baby on my day off.....Privilege my ass.

No comments: