Thursday, February 28, 2008

I Hate That Miscarriages Exist

It makes me so sad and so angry. Why does this type of loss exist? It's designed to rip the hopes and dreams and excitement out of underneath you. One moment you think everything is great and you are looking forward to the little miracle happening in 9 short months. Then it's gone.

I am sad this happens to so many women. I am sad that this happened to me. I am sad to hear of all the women you could relate to me when I shared the news of our loss.

I am angry that this changed my life so much. I am angry for those who have had this happen to them more than once. I am angry at the fear of this happening to me again. I am angry at the possibility that this could happen to someone else close to me or even to someone I don't know. I am angry at how often this happens

I wish I could understand this more. I wish I could understand the anger and sadness I feel right now. I wish I could stop crying about this. I wish I wasn't so angry about it.

I want to understand this better but no matter how hard I try, I am more angry and sad in the end.

I wish miscarriages did not exist.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Positive Outlook Update

I forgot about this vow I made! So far so good. Unfortunately, I am not planning on announcing any pregnancy news on this blog for awhile. Randy and I decided that we will keep the exciting news to ourselves until about 10 weeks or so. Soooo speculate all you want! We won't tell you anyways!!

But things are looking good. Even though I can slip back into what I call "The Black Hole" every now and then, I feel better. It can be so hard at times to stay positive especially when I see pregnant women and newborn babies everywhere. Overall, my outlook is looking good!

Sunday, February 10, 2008


I have a mental list in my head of things I want to do before I die. I'm sure this will grow as time goes on and I'm hoping I will also be able to cross things off.

  1. Go to Italy
  2. Own a BMW, my mid-life crisis car
  3. Run a marathon
  4. Go to Australia
  5. Go sky diving again
  6. Become a mommy
  7. Donate my hair to Locks of Love

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Once I am Pregnant Again, Everything Will Be Okay

I am beginning to think the statement above is not true. I am so excited to get pregnant again and have a healthy baby but I am still not emotionally over the miscarriage.

I think this will stay with me a lot longer than I thought at first. And I am okay with that. I don't want to be forget about the first pregnancy. But I will certainly appreciate the next pregnancy a lot more than I ever imagined. I will cherish motherhood a lot more than I think I would have had this not happened. I will see my first born as the true miracle that it really is. I will love that baby and any other babies I have with a different kind of love. A love, I am sure, they will never understand.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

One Will Always Be Missing

I know that eventually the pain and sorrow of this experience will soon fade especially when we have a baby. I am wondering if even years down the road and a few healthy babies later, am I going to have this feeling that one will always be missing? Maybe this won't happen like I think. Maybe when our first baby is born, this will fade in a way I never thought possible. Maybe I won't have this sense of loss. But I can't help but think now that one will always be missing.

That one will be in my heart forever. Maybe I will never talk of it, maybe I won't even tell our children when they are older. I don't know. But I will always have a place in my heart for the first baby we lost. He/she will always be there and will live on in my heart. Even if the thought or feeling is in the back of mind, one will always be missing.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

You Need to Just Relax and Don't Lift Heavy Things

Had I known those were the two key things to preventing a miscarriage I would have never gotten out of bed the whole pregnancy!! Why didn't somebody tell me this sooner???? Gee, I wonder if my doctor knows this??

Amazing. The stupidity continues.

I must reiterate the fact that I don't need an explanation of why this happened to me. This is what my doctor is for. And on that note, if you insist on it, please know what you are talking about first. I know I am sounding sarcastic and ungrateful to those who only want to comfort me but if they were to sit back and really look at the statement they just made, they will understand what exactly it is that they are saying.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Starbucks Did NOT Cause My Miscarriage

Okay I totally bit that title off of another blog I read cause I loved it! Anyhoo......

There is a lot of hype going around about the the link caffeine has to miscarriages. Here's a brief article I found regarding this topic:

"High doses of daily caffeine during pregnancy – whether from coffee, tea, caffeinated soda or hot chocolate – cause an increased risk of miscarriage, according a new study by the Kaiser Permanente Division of Research.

The research appears in the current online issue of American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology.

While previous research showed a link between caffeine consumption and miscarriage, this is the first study to thoroughly control for morning sickness, which typically causes many women to avoid caffeine.

The study, which looked at 1,063 pregnant Kaiser Permanente members in San Francisco from October 1996 through October 1998, examined the caffeine effect among women who never changed their pattern of caffeine consumption during their pregnancy. Women who consumed 200 mg or more of caffeine per day (two or more cups of regular coffee or five 12-ounce cans of caffeinated soda) had twice the miscarriage risk as women who consumed no caffeine.

The increased risk of miscarriage appeared to be due to the caffeine itself, rather than other possible chemicals in coffee because caffeine intake from non-coffee sources such as caffeinated soda, tea and hot chocolate showed a similar increased risk of miscarriage."

Now if you read that carefully there are two KEY factors in this article. Allow me to show you:

"High doses of daily caffeine during pregnancy..."

".....the caffeine effect among women who never changed their pattern of caffeine consumption during their pregnancy."

This does not apply to those women who DO change their caffeine consumption or do NOT consume high doses daily. I did cut caffeine completely out of my diet when I was pregnant.

One thing that must be understood is that for the most part, anything is okay for a pregnant women in moderations (except alcohol but that's a given). I hope this enlightens you on the issue of caffeine and miscarriages. It is important to cut down or cut out but also know, that caffeine is not the sole cause or #1 cause of miscarriages.

Common Sense Is Not So Common

I am sitting in my office one fine afternoon. A former employee comes in to ask me about his W-2. I guess he knew I was pregnant before because he made a weird comment about the candy I was eating. I gave him a WTF? look.

He says "Cause you're pregnant." I tell him I am not and that I had a miscarriage. He seems concerned and sad for me at first but then ruins it with this oh-so-wonderful comment...

"Stop stressing out so much."

If looks could kill, he would be dead. I actually felt the nasty look I shot at him. I snapped. I told him the next time he hears someone had a miscarriage to NOT say that. He looks dumbfounded. Totally not understanding my anger. I tell him "You basically just told me I caused my miscarriage because I stressed out too much." He still doesn't seem to get it. He just says he knows that stress is the number one cause of miscarriages. I tell him he needs to do some research. I hand him what he needs then politely, yet sarcastically say "Now get out of my office."

I can't believe I snapped but I admit, I don't feel bad about it at all.