Sunday, November 29, 2009

Miscarriage Survivor: 2 years later and I haven't forgotten

2 years ago, I lost my first baby. The reason I will never know. It's intriguing that, in efforts to be comforted by others, I have been constantly told that the pain will go away eventually. Or when I birth my first child, I will no longer be sad. And the most interesting, I will forget it ever happened once I have children.

It's been 2 years, I have a 15 month old daughter and guess what.... I haven't forgotten. And you know what, I never will. The experience still haunts me, still makes me sad, and still makes me wonder what could have been. I would never wish for this and would never wish for it on anyone else. If it were up to me, this would have never happened.

Things happen for a reason, right? Hmmmm, you all know my feelings on this phrase, that is if you have read this blog post.

I think I have told this story before, and I will tell it again. My Grandmother once told me how silly she thought it was that a lady she knew had a memorial bench at a cemetary where plaques were placed for family members that died, including a plaque for the miscarriage she had 52 years earlier. She didn't get it. She didn't understand why you would honor or still want to remember this type of loss. This pain is REAL, this experience is REAL. It cannot be made up, it cannot be forgotten. Even if the pain is dulled by healthy children since born, it still lies there in our hearts.

The one that will always be missing.

My daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I consider her a gift my first baby gave me. It's like he/she said "Here. I cannot be there with you, but she can." I am not thankful I had a miscarriage, I am thankful that my daughter is here with me now and she is a gift from the baby that could have been.

So here it is, 2 years later. A lot has changed in the past 2 years. Scars are the reminders that our past is real. I look forward to what the future brings but I will never forget my lost baby.

And to my strong mommas that will always understand and will always be there, I thank you for being there the last 2 years. I couldn't have done it without you.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Miscarriage Survivor: To Be Naive Again....

My daughter is now almost 15 months old. The question of when we are planning to have another is starting to creep into casual conversations. I know several women around me that are pregnant or TTC (Trying to Conceive). This definitely makes me think about baby #2 more.... but I am not ready... yet. Ask me again in a year.

Thinking about TTC brings up a lot of emotions, more than the average person I would think. I have 2 things not on my side, 2 big things. One is a huge statistic and the other, though you make think it's a small statistic, is actually a big one for me as well. I've said before, once you find yourself apart of a small statistic, it no longer seems so small.

My first statistic, the "small" one, is the fear of another miscarriage. The constant worrying, analyzing every symptom, taking several pregnancy tests just to be sure it's still positive, checking the toilet paper to make sure there is no blood (yes, I did this. If you have been through it, you'd understand), and the waiting.....waiting....waiting to get out of the first trimester and for each ultrasound to see everything is still going okay.

My second statistic is the 40% chance I have of another premature birth. I cannot and do not want to go through NICU time ever again. And having a child already is not going to make it any easier to visit and deal with the tidal wave of emotions that it brings on.

Combine those two and it does not equal pregnancy bliss for me. It makes me scared and angry. Why can't I seem to carry a baby to full term? Even if I make it out of the miscarriage danger zone, will I make it to full term?? What is wrong with my body?? How I am supposed to rest with a busy toddler running around? Should I even risk it? Should Hailey be an only child?

So yea, I try to avoid thinking about TTC again for now. Thinking about it opens the flood gates. This is not something I am ready to deal with. Thankfully, my annual appointment with my OB is supposed to be next month (time to make that appointment actually) so I am planning on discussing this with him. It's quite possible we will be either TTC or seriously thinking about it by the time I'd see him again. I am hoping he will give me some light at the end of this tunnel.

To be naive again.... that's what I would like. To not have any fear of anything when it comes to TTC and pregnancy. I'd love to just get pregnant and always assume pregnant = baby. My previous history doesn't guarantee that. My previous history makes me worried about the outcome. How early will my pregnancy end this time? Can I actually carry to full term? I am putting all my bets that I will carry to term but my previous history makes me doubt that every second I think about it.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

October 15th: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. Each year, over half a million dreams are shattered. Out of 3.3 million born alive, some 30,000 die during the first 28 days. Another 39,000 babies are still born. Miscarriage occurs in fifteen to twenty percent of pregnancies, while ectopic pregnancy occurs in one percent.

More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action.
pregnancy loss

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Satisfaction Not Guaranteed

Nothing in life is ever a guarantee. And I don't think most would think twice about this until something has happened to them to make them think otherwise.

I had a miscarriage almost 2 years ago. Up until that point, I always assumed pregnancy = baby. I never thought twice about it when I found out I was pregnant or when I had found out someone else was pregnant.

Now I know this isn't always the case. There is no guarantee.

Now whenever I hear the news of some one's pregnancy & how far along they are, I instantly tense up. If I find out that someone is very early & announcing their pregnancy, I have to take a deep breath. And even to try to tell myself, just because it has happened to me, doesn't mean it will happen to someone else.

Untelling everyone when I miscarried was painful. It was like a dagger in my heart every time I had to watch the expressions on people's faces change when I broke the news to them. When I got pregnant again, with Hailey, we didn't announce it to everyone until after 10 weeks when we had seen the heartbeat twice.

After my miscarriage, I know it put the fear in some of my friends heads that it would happen to them when they became pregnant. I was convinced I had taken one for the team, so none of them would ever experience what I did.

I told myself this... but it hasn't happened this way. Two friends have recently miscarried. It was hard to hear it. It was hard to even be on the other end of it. It brought up old emotions & anxieties. I knew what they were going through and wanted so bad to take it away. I hadn't taken one for the team after all.

Then there are the women who do not know the heartache. The heartache surrounding those who have experienced it or being around someone who has. A friend of mine, who had experienced a loss herself, said recently "I always say that there are women who get pregnant and have no question in their mind that pregnancy = baby. After a loss, even an early one, you always know that just because you get that second line on a test you aren't guaranteed to be holding a baby at the end of it."

I am jealous of those women. I wish I was naive to this type of pain. Most women have blissful pregnancies, not a worry in sight other than gaining too much weight maybe. I am sure they have their fears but they do not have this one. Most women are busy celebrating their pregnancies while I will be hoping to sustain it. Most women worry about finances, symptoms, giving birth, gaining weight, motherhood.... I will worry about my baby dying inside of me.

I wish there was a way to get that guarantee. But it's impossible. Another example of how miscarriage has plagued my life with anger & resentment. I want that guarantee.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Honest Scrap Award

I was given the Honest Scrap Award by Jennifer, a follow blogger!

This award is given to blogs that write honestly and from the depth of their soul, according to her blog.

There are a couple of rules to accepting the award. Firstly is to pass the award on to 7 other bloggers, and secondly to list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

The following are blogs that I read on a daily basis and can relate to on some level. I love being a part of the blogger community and reading the thoughts of those who are experiencing or have experienced the same that I have.

Without further ado, my nominations!

1. Brooke, author of Mommy in Chief
2. Suzie, author of Recovering Actress
3. Karla, author of My Life by Khloe Marilyn
4. Danielle, author of Surviving the Quarter Life
5. Trish, author of Fertile Hope
6. Michele, author of Michele with one L
7. Sara, author of The Brown Family

And for the 10 honest thing about myself:

1. I am the worst with typos. It's not so much that I cannot spell, more like I type too fast, proofread horribly, & my fingers seems to be dyslexic!

2. I never wear shoes unless I have to. Otherwise I am always barefoot or in sandals. My rough heels show it!

3. Even though the above it true, I always sleep with socks on!

4. I cannot stand the touch of velvet. Touching it is like finger nails on a chalkboard for me. It makes me shutter and feel like I have something on my teeth!

5. I do my make up in the morning using my compact mirror. Here I have 3 bathrooms with huge mirrors in each and I choose to sit on my couch and use my tiny compact mirror.

6. I never wear shorts.

7. I hate talking on the phone. At first I was reluctant to begin texting but now I love it because it's quick & easier then getting stuck on the phone. My husband and I even changed our plan to lower our minutes because both of us hardly talk & text so much.

8. I cannot swim in a lake, river, or ocean if I can see the bottom & cannot touch the bottom. It freaks me out. If it is too deep to touch the bottom I'd rather not be able to see it.

9. I am a very random person. I have a dry sense of humor even though I don't like to describe myself that way.

10. I quote movies or TV shows if the quote fits in the conversation. A lot of people do not catch on and I am surprised when they do. My husband got really sunburned this past weekend and I stroked his red back and said "You're my lobster!" My husband nor the couple we were with knew where that came from. (10 points to the 1st person who knows where the came from and who said it!!).

This was fun, hope you enjoyed!!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Names in the Sand

Amazingly beautiful & sad memorial website. I just had to share. Click on the picture below.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Female Envy

Female envy takes so many difference forms. Actually, envy itself comes in many forms. Female envy is in a category of its own. It's practically a phenomenon.

Every human being feels jealously over something at some point in their lives, for some on a daily basis. I definitely feel envious of a lot of things.

Females handle this emotion so differently then men (naturally) but what gets me the most is when female envy brings out the very worst in some women. A woman can go from a heartfelt, compassionate woman to a fire-breathing, rip-your-throat-out devil woman. I know a few women like this.

It really peeves me that this type of emotion warrants such ridiculous behavior. The malicious intent behind reactions caused by female envy are amazing. Let the she-bitch out and there is no turning back.

Women can be so competitive. Everything amongst our species seems to be a giant competition. Who has the biggest boobs, who has the smallest measurement, who has the cutest boyfriend. You name it. We all do it. Every woman has had her she-bitch moments.

I think some women can handle their inner she-bitch better than others. Of course for any women, the she-bitch takes over eventually and all hell breaks loose. What irritates me the most is when the she-bitch takes control over a women's entire emotional well-being to the point where the inner she-bitch is now just a bitch.

I can be jealous and genuinely happy for someone at the same time. I have never been the type to allow the inner she-bitch to take control unless it's totally appropriate (of course I'd be lying if I said I have never let her get out of control! ha). If a women is prettier than me then I just stare at her more and I won't refuse to befriend her because she's prettier than me. I won't put her under a microscope and point out every flaw just to make myself feel better (unless she is just an utter bitch, but then she deserves it). <--- See! Female Envy right there!! ha!

There was this girl in High School, we will call her Mary, who absolutely hated me. I never so much as had a conversation with her that was more than a simple "Hello" yet she couldn't stand me. I never understood it but I also never questioned her. It really didn't make much of a difference to me but it always puzzled me how Mary could hate me so much even though she didn't know a thing about me.

About 2 years out of high school I ran into Mary at a random house party with people I would never think she would know (small world). Mary immediately said Hello in such a joyful manner I actually turned around to see if she was talking to someone behind me. No one was there. I was so confused. She asked all about myself, wanted to know what I have been doing since graduation, etc. Not wanting to be rude, I answered her.

She continues to talk to me as if we were old best friends. Finally, I just couldn't hold it in any longer. I asked her (I think these are close to my exact words) "Why are you talking to me? You hated me in high school and now you are talking to me like we are old friends." I said it tactfully because I wasn't angry, just confused by her friendliness.

Mary admitted to me that she didn't like me in high school because a guy who she had a big crush on would go on and on about how much he liked me and how pretty he thought I was. She said it made her hate me because he didn't think of her that way and she couldn't stand when he and his friends would gock over me. I was surprised by her honesty & she seemed genuinely embarrassed by her behavior.

This baffled me. I couldn't believe she would treat me in such a manner all because of a boy who liked me. And ironically, I had no idea who the guy was. I couldn't even begin to picture a face because the name didn't even sound remotely familiar. Her jealously prevented us from becoming friends or even acquaintances. I just couldn't understand. When I dislike people, it's usually for a valid reason and not solely based on someones looks or others fondness of someones appearance.

There are people in my life now, who act similar to Mary even in their adulthood. I wonder what drives this. Drives females to be so hateful of each other. I have heard countless times women describe themselves as someone who doesn't get along with females. Usually "catty,""bitches," or "drama" is followed for an explanation.

Although female envy exists in every female...even me. This must be one of life's rhetorical questions. Ask all you want but you will never get an answer.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Candle for Annaleigh
Grab some tissues if you plan to read this....

Success After a Loss Babies

Each baby pictures here is a success after a miscarriage. Same babies pictured HERE, but now 6 months older. Time flies! Just look at the baby cuteness!!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Mommy Wars: Parenting Styles

I never really thought about parenting styles when I was pregnant. And I don't really think of them now. I have never read a single parenting book either. I couldn't tell you where I get my parenting "theories" from, I just have them. And I don't really need a book to help me label it. I have a degree in Psychology with a minor in Child Development. That's about all I can give you.

But recently I have been thinking about it ever since there was some talk of it amongst a group of women I socialize with. There seemed to be some tension between two sides of parenting styles. I never really put together the controversy around it before but I guess it's there along with all the others.

I never really put a label on myself. As a matter of fact, I hate labels. I claimed independent on my political voting ballot because I refuse to consider myself Republican or Democrat. It's just such a big label and saying I am one or the other sets a huge stage. I am bits of both put together.

So if I were to read each and every style, I can probably find aspects of each that I use.

I guess this is why I do not follow a particular parenting style to the T. And I can't really describe what mine is. I will not follow a parenting style religiously and to be honest I don't understand why some do. It's way too much pressure. Parenting is hard enough without having some strict rules to follow in order to be considered a certain style. And I really feel it kind of promotes judgement amongst each other.

"OMG, you don't wear your baby every where you go?... you use a stroller?? That's so against the rules!!" "You are such a hippie mom" Sorry I don't mean to make fun but I am never the follower type so I guess I don't understand those that follow.

Seriously, if your baby is happy, healthy, thriving, and succeeding I don't care what style you use. As long as, you don't judge me for mine, whatever it is called....

Bad Parenting Moment

Don't worry, the cans are empty and the straw was never used but when you look at this pic its just too funny not to laugh at. Just laugh, you know you want to!!
...Taken at a family Redneck themed birthday party. Doesn't my hubby look hawt!!? ;)

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Mommy Wars: Breast vs Formula

The reason I use the term Mommy Wars is because I find that parenting is such a controversial thing. You wouldn't think it would be, but it is. We all have our opinions of what is acceptable and what isn't and our own are always the right way!

I think I have started to write this blog post several times and didn't really want to know what I wanted to say. I am an advocate for both. I don't want it to be a post whining that I couldn't breastfed and bitching about the negative attitudes towards formula feeding.

This is just such an ongoing battle between moms and society.

Breast is best right? Formula is poison!

Not exactly...

I am an ex-pumping formula feeding mommy...and proud of it!! My preemie daughter spent her first 4 weeks in the NICU. I wasn't there to breastfed 24/7 and she never learned to latch. I was just happy to see her eating on her own I didn't care if it came from a bottle nipple or my own! I exclusively pumped my breast milk and fed it to her through a bottle (or feeding tube in the NICU) until she was 2 months old. She had to be switched to Hypoallergenic formula due to a milk & soy protein allergy. My supply was low and we were using my frozen stash when I ate dairy products so that stash was no longer good and continuing wasn't an option when my supply sunk to nothing.

So yes, I "gave up." I choose what was best for my daughter. Even though I could have tried to get my supply up, the proteins from my breast milk could still effect her even if I went dairy and soy free with my diet.... and it just wasn't worth it. The hypoallergenic formula worked wonders for her and I stuck with it!! And she is thriving!!

I have heard such strong opinions for both sides.

Formula has been compared to feeding babies pizza and Cheetos. Poisoning them with chemicals. Lazy parenting.

Breast is best. It's the best option and so much better for babies. People say this yet they don't want to see it either. Breastfeed your baby but be sure not to do it in public!

Society can't seem to make up their minds. The cringe and judge when they see a mother pull out a bottle and gasp when a mother pulls out her breast. Quite frankly it is none of any one's business what someone feeds their child as long as the child is thriving.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Blog Makeover!!

I must call attention to my new beautiful redesigned blog! It was definitely time for a makeover!

Courtesy of DesignHer Blog. Brooke is a great blog designer so if you looking for a blog makeover, you can contact Brooke: She is running a special in July if you sign up as a follower on her blog!

Thank you Brooke!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

You are so lucky

I think it's very common for women at the end of their pregnancies to be anxious for the pregnancy to be over and their babies born. Not only because they are dying to meet that adorable little person who has been kicking them for 9 months, but because they are so uncomfortable from being fat, swollen, and wobbly.

If you have followed my blog, you know that I went into labor and delivered at 33 weeks pregnant. Without going into the long details as I have already done, my premature baby was not released from the hospital until 4 weeks (29 days) later. She stayed in the NICU and finished growing there instead of in the womb I created for her.

A common discussion amongst mothers or between a new mother and a pregnant mother-to-be are labor stories. When I share that I went into labor & delivered at 33 weeks, a typical reaction is "You are so lucky" then followed by the reasons why I am "so" lucky. These usually range from not having to endure the last 2 months of agonizing pregnancy and being able to be done with it early.

Little do they know that all this makes me want to do if flick them on their pretty little forehead and smack some sense into them. It has come to the point where I literally have to bite my tongue to prevent me from ripping them a new one. Yes, I know these comments come from innocence but they are also extremely ignorant.

This has got to be the most ludicrous way of thinking I have ever come across. It really puts into perspective how little the general public (mothers being the majority of who I speak with about this) knows about the seriousness of premature birth. They have absolutely no idea what it means to have a premature baby. They have no idea what it could mean either.

All they think of is not being pregnant anymore and good that will feel. They don't think about how it will feel to watch their innocent tiny baby fight for its life, they don't think about how it will feel to leave their baby in the hospital day after day.

Women are pregnant for 40 weeks for a reason and it's certainly not to torture the pregnant mother. It's to give the baby the proper amount of time to grow and prepare for the outside world. Consider yourself lucky to make it to full term. Your chances of any complications drop drastically.

Just to be clear, I don't expect every pregnant mother to be on the edge of their seats the entire pregnancy in fear of premature birth. I only ask that women educate themselves on pregnancy and understand that the longer their baby stays in, the better. Never think another women is lucky to have given birth early, just thank your lucky stars it didn't happened to you.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Mommy Wars: Babies & Sleep & Self Soothing

You would never guess how many sleep books there are out there for parents to read. And you wouldn't believe how much your day is surrounded & focused on sleep. There are times when you are so tired of thinking about sleep, you just want to crawl in bed....and sleep. Sleep is a huge subject for any parent under the age of one.

There are also several different opinions on this matter. I am sure you will find a different version or variation of sleep in each parent.

If you were to google baby sleep patterns or something like it, you would more than likely come up with several resources referring to the Ferber Method. One of the many forms of Cry It Out (CIO). There is lots of controversy around this subject. Some think it's horrible and others want plant a big fat kiss on Ferber's face.

Don't worry, I am not even going to touch on the controversial side of it. That's not the point of this post.

Hailey has always been a good sleeper. She began sleeping through the night at about 3 months old 12 hours. She did regress at 6 months & randomly woke 1x a night (always around 11pm) until about 8.5 months old when she began to sleep through the night again. She did this all on her own, no sleep training required and I never resorted to sleep training during the 6-8.5 month period.

Why, you ask? Not because I don't believe in CIO. It's not that I don't, I just choose not to. I know several people who have done it and it's no skin off my back. To each their own.

As a matter of fact, at 10 months old I still rock Hailey to sleep every night (if she will let me! Sometimes she just wants to do it herself!). And I am not ashamed of this whatsoever. I am sure the avid Ferberizers out there are cringing as they read this!!

Self-soothing. This is what Ferber teaches. The ability for a baby to self-soothe themselves back into a peaceful slumber without the help of mommy or daddy.

Here is why I choose the route I do.

Most moms get to hold their babies right after their birth. Cuddle, kiss, stroke and begin the breastfeeding process. They get to cuddle, nurse and snuggle with their babies every 1-2-3 hours a day.

Bonding. The ultimate bonding experience is considered breast feeding (this will be another post all in its own). Even if the mother chooses to bottle feed, she still gets to hold her baby close to her as she does so.

Most mothers also get to take their newborns home with them once they are released. They are with them 24/7 from the second they are born.

Then comes my story.

My baby was born 7 weeks early. She was whisked away at birth due to her prematurity. I got to spend a total of 30 seconds with her before they wheeled her out of the room to the NICU where she stayed for the next 4 weeks.

During these 4 weeks, she was handled by 2 different nurses each day. Different touch, feel, warmth. I was not able to be there 24/7. I didn't get the breastfeeding experience most moms do. My baby was put in an isolette only to be brought out for a short amount of time to be held. My baby got to spend a majority of her first 4 weeks of life by herself in an isolette.

She had trouble eating. This is what kept her in the NICU for that long. We had trouble getting her to eat an entire bottle by herself from a nipple let alone my breast. I pumped and feed her my expressed breast milk through a bottle.

She also had reflux. And add to that too fatigued to eat by mouth and you got yourself a difficult feeding situation. I had to hold her upright and on my lap to feed her. Not only to help her stay awake but also to help the reflux so her food wouldn't come back up, slow her heart rate and have her turn blue because she wasn't getting any oxygen. Yes, I got to see my 2 week old baby turn bright blue in my arms. I had a nurse swoop her out of arms to get her to start breathing again. Makes my heart jump just thinking back on it.

My point is I didn't get to have this blissful bonding experience with my baby until she was 1 month old And even then she still needed to be feed held upright on my lap for the reflux. She screamed bloody murder when she was put to my breast and I was NOT about to stress her out so much where she would stop eating and need to be hospitalized for failure to thrive.

So yes, cuddling and snuggling with her as I rocked her to sleep was the only bonding time I got. It wasn't until she was 3 months old when I got to cradle her as I fed her.

And as far as self soothing. She knows how to self soothe. Trust me. She sleeps 12 hours at night! I hear her from time to time talking to herself in the middle of the night then drifting back to sleep. She doesn't need me to fall asleep. I just prefer and love rocking her to sleep. I love watching her sleep. It's so amazing and peaceful.

So next time anyone decides to judge another for their sleep choices (whether it be CIO or my story) consider the circumstances. You never know what someone's story is.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Skinny Mirror

Do these actually exist? If so, please pass on the info on where to get one! One thing I cannot stand is when you go in front of a mirror and view yourself in one light, then go to a different mirror and its totally different.

You think you look pretty decent. Not too much muffin top, rolls under control. Hips look marginal. Butt is...ehh..let's not turn around. Then you walk by another mirror and stop in your tracks because you are wondering who is that fat chick following you ...oh wait...that's you! WTF? I just looked skinny in the other mirror. Let's dump this fat mirror in the trash!

Then there's the skinny camera. I don't even think these exist in the slightest. You read the camera adds 10 pounds. Yeah right, make that 30! Here you are looking in the skinny mirror, feeling like the day is a skinny day then you take some pics, view them and your mouth drops to floor. So much for the skinny day! Now whenever you look in the mirror you feel like a fat hog. Great. Gives new meaning to those typical Myspace angled photos where you cannot tell the person's size. Give me angles!!!

Makes you want to clear out all the mirrors in the house and take a hammer to the cameras. Thank goodness for being able to delete on digital cameras.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Working Mom

I am a working mom. I have a full time job and a 10 month old daughter.

My work weeks consist of 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week only to come home to see my daughter for about 1.5 hours before she slips away in a peaceful slumber.

Some may criticize the working mom. Thinking we choose career over motherhood. These people have no idea what they are talking about.

I have had some people comment on how well my daughter "knows" me considering I am away 40 hours of week and cared for by others. For someone to actually think she would view me as just another random person floating in and out of her life obviously has never been a working mom. Working would not cause this type of behavior. She knows exactly who I am and actually prefers me over her caregivers (who happen to be family). I am not just another person to her.

She cries when I leave the room and whines for me to hold her once I walk in the room. Even the family that cares for her while I am at work have stated that she clearly knows who her parents are and acts different when we walk in the room versus anyone else she knows well.

Being a working mom is tough. It's not easy on the days that I work only seeing her in the morning or at night. My days off with her are amazing and make me want to quit my job so I don't have to go back.

In this day and age, especially in this economy, it is very hard to rely off of one income. I work because we need to in order to financially survive. Does this mean we should not have children? Absolutely not! My daughter has an amazing set of parents (if I do say so myself) and loving supportive family. My daughter has the privilege but being surrounded by her family and reaps the benefits of being cared for by them. Even if she was in a public day care, she would still thrive just as much as any other child.

I do not regret being a working mom. As much as I'd rather be a stay at home mom, I am happy with the care my daughter is receiving and am happy she is going to be close with several of her family members in addition to her parents!

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Who thinks Miscarriage is a good thing???

Apparently I should be glad I had a miscarriage. Oh wait, and happy! Why? Simply because I have had another baby since.

Yes people, this came from an ignorant asshat. So having a live birth after a miscarriage makes my miscarriage a "good thing." Are you serious? NOTHING about a miscarriage is a good thing...NOTHING. I don't care how anyone needs to justify why things happen, when it comes to this issue, this is absurd!

Yes, this is EXACTLY how I wanted everything. Did this person even READ my blog? Did you read about the perpetual black hole I was in afterwards? Does that sound like a wonderful experience to you?

Oh AND being deathly afraid during my entire next pregnancy. Yes, I am especially grateful for that! I LOVED examining the TP every time I went to the bathroom, hoping to not see any blood. My heart would pound every time I went to the bathroom for at least the first 20 weeks. Shake your head at me if you want, call me a sissy, whatever you want but until you have been there yourself DON'T tell me how I am supposed to feel now.

Even my next pregnancy will be plagued with the same fear and the same anxiety. So yea, I am ecstatic that I had a miscarriage. Knowing that my first baby died inside of me is a great feeling. One in which I am so thankful to have experienced!

So does that answer your question?? Do you really think I am happy now that I had a miscarriage? Yes, I love my daughter with every inch of my soul. And sure I wouldn't have it any other way but to go as far as saying I am happy to have a miscarriage is the most insensitive thing one has ever said to me. I would have loved that first baby with every inch of my soul too. I consider my daughter a gift from my first baby. So, NO, I am not glad I had a miscarriage.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Domestic Violence & Celebrity Gossip: Rihanna

For the record, I usually do not get involved with celebrity gossip. For the most part I could care less. But I have to touch on this subject because it makes me angry.

Rihanna & Chris Brown.

I didn't even know they were an item until it came out in the news that he had beaten her senseless. I was angry for her and furious with him. I felt so bad that her young age of 20, she had to endure such a horrific experience. I was happy to find she called the cops and he was being charged with a felony. He deserved everything that was coming to him.

The Face of a Beaten Woman

TMZ released the picture in the link above. I felt sad seeing it. She doesn't even look like Rihanna. I am sure she felt humiliated that it was leaked to the press.

Then I come to find out that she got back together with Chris Brown. Yes, they are back together. According to the radio, it was because she felt it was her fault, that she provoked him. Are you kidding me? If this doesn't scream battered women syndrome, then I don't know what does!

I am seriously beside myself! What is she thinking? She all the resources at her finger tips to get away from him and stay away from him. She has the financial capability to hire 24/7 security to protect her from him if needed. She has all the support of the media she wants. I am astonished.

I heard today that they are in counseling for domestic violence. This is what really ticks me off!! In counseling for domestic violence?? They are 19 & 20 years old, not even married, no kids and in counseling for domestic violence? HELLO?? Red Flags popping up everywhere! Why can't she see them?? What about this whole ordeal screams GOOD DECISION???

But she LOVES HIM, right? Who am I to judge, right? HA! I can judge all I want. As a public figure, I feel she has the duty to be a positive role model. What message is she sending to all the young women out there by getting back together with this animal? This wasn't just a bitch slap (not that slaps are okay, because they are not). He beat her unconscious and mangled her face in the process. This does not constitute forgiveness in any way, shape or form.

What the hell is she thinking? What, did she get out of the hospital and go running back to him? Did her face heal and then she ran off to meet him? "Look the bruises are gone from when you used my face as a punching bag. These bites mark scars, are just a token of your love for me." IDIOT!

They are recording a single together, per the radio. What on earth is going on here?

And for all you "but he is sorry and he will never do it again, he said so" people, BULLSHIT. Sure, maybe someone can rehabilitate from this, turn himself around and become a better person. Of course that's possible. With counseling or help from some sort of professional organization.

But in this case, she ran back to him immediately. She didn't wait for him to successfully complete some sort of program. She didn't give time for him to prove he is a changed man. She went on the sole promise of a guy who beat the hell out of her. In my opinion, right now, his word does not mean shit. Prove it buddy. You can't go from someone who would snap and beat the hell of his girlfriend, to a saint who shall not beat thy girlfriend. I am sure a lot of battered women out there would agree with me. I am sure they have heard the sorrys and yet got beat again.

This is not rocket science. Use your brain for Pete's sake. Rihanna puts the strength and Independence of women across the globe to shame.

Chris Brown is the epitome of male garbage. An asshat at it's best. I hope he goes to prison and Big Bubba beats the crap out of him and makes him his bitch. I hope for his sake, he takes this public display of domestic violence and learns from it. I am sure he is sorry, but can he honestly promise with 100% certainty right now that this will never happen again. Right now, I think not. He has a lot to prove and I certainly hope that the media and the public does not forgive him and take him back in as easily as Rihanna. I hope this society has the common sense to make him work hard for it. And if his career never recovers, he deserves it.

I wish the best for Rihanna and I truly hope it does not happen to her again. She is taking a huge risk with her life. How many times have we heard domestic violence escalate to spousal murder? I hope that's a statistic she does not become a part of.

Saturday, March 7, 2009


Setting the stage, getting in the mood, ambiance...all of these are aspects of foreplay right? What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word foreplay?

I bet a majority think of the sexual acts before sex. Maybe that's all that needs to be done. Sexual petting, flirting, teasing, stimulation...all of a sexual nature.

Not for me. Not in this stage of my life. For me, foreplay begins when I open my eyes in the morning. If there are any chances of sex later that night, on your best behavior you must be.

If my husbands irritates me, forget it. No morning nookie for you buddy.

For me it's more than the sexual petting right before we jump in the sack. More than the 15 minutes before the clothes come off. It's all day, week or month for that matter.

If my husband is getting on my nerves consistently, my libido takes a huge dive. It's so much more than the events only hours before leading up to sex.

Happy wife = a happy life. If momma ain't happy, no one is! Men think if they are married they no longer need to work for it. Boy are they wrong! You need to work even more. Keep your wife happy and mini-husband gets to come out and play.

Gives new meaning to foreplay doesn't it?

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I think Paul Newman nailed it on the head with this one!

“I'm a supporter of gay rights. And not a closet supporter either. From the time I was a kid, I have never been able to understand attacks upon the gay community. There are so many qualities that make up a human being... by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that it is irrelevant.”--Paul Newman

Monday, February 23, 2009

I Woke up Skinny

OK so I didn't wake up 30 pounds skinnier but I am sure every women can relate to this!

P.M.S. Yea, it's the pits. For me, I retain water and bloat up to a week before Aunt Flo decides to visit. Then once she arrives, I deflate and feel skinnier. All the build up then release after the flow begins. It's like filling a balloon with water, then suddenly letting go of the end of balloon and all the water comes pouring out causing the balloon to shrink.

Yes, I feel like a human water balloon.

So basically 3 out of 4 weeks I feel like a giant troll, then for another 5 days or so the wrath of Aunt Flo. It's not fun. Being a women blows sometimes!

What do men have to deal with on a monthly basis? (And for you men out there, dealing with us during this time doesn't count!) I don't understand this part of the creation of humans. Men may be hairy and gross with rotten smelling bodily functions but they get some sort of enjoyment out of being disgusting.

What's enjoyable about a women's monthly cycle? I'd really like to know. We certainly do not find humor in it and we definitely don't show off our disgustingness with our friends.

The only good thing I can say right now is that they have become easier after childbirth. Hallelujah for that!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Miscarriage Survivor: Proof of Success After a Loss

Here you are looking at a group of ladies who have suffered a miscarriage (except for 2). As you can see, we are all holding babies. Here is proof of success after a miscarriage.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Okay Lurkers!! Come out, Come out where ever you are!!

Calling all lurkers!!

Let me know who you are!! Leave me a comment and tell me how you came across my blog!!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Baby Fluff

This is what I call the extra weight carried from pregnancy. Baby fluff. My new and improved muffin top!

I am beginning to realize that in no way does pre-pregnancy weight mean a pre-pregnancy body. Those are now 2 completely different things!

When I was breast feeding, the weight melted off. Not to mention I swelled like the dickens while pregnant so it was like I shrunk and shriveled back to size. Although once I stopped, the fluff started to come back!! Breast feeding was like exercising every 3 hours. Lots of calories burned! My milk came in great so I was "exercising" like crazy!

Now, not so much. I keep drawing up a plan to loose the baby fluff but it always fails. I am at pre-pregnancy weight, but no where near pre-pregnancy body!

Where the hell did my motivation go? I have lost it. If you find it, point it back my way!

While I should be on the treadmill running, blogging sounds much more appealing!

A Story of a Miscarriage

The true reason I started this blog was to give myself some self-therapy. Writing things out can be such a huge outlet and it worked wonders for me. At first i didn't share this blog with anyone, but then I decided I shouldn't keep it a secret. So I exposed my raw emotions for anyone to see and it was quite liberating.

It has been over a year since I lost my first little one. I thought I would re-post my story in a condensed version. So here it goes....

In October of 2007 my husband & I jumped on the TTC (trying to conceive) wagon. To our surprise we got a pregnant on the 1st try! We were so excited and told EVERYONE! Myspace bulletins and everything!

For Thanksgiving (I was almost 7 weeks) I went to Oregon and on my trip back I noticed I was spotting pink. Trying not to worry as spotting can be "normal" I only told my husband and my mom. The next day at work it stopped but then came back. I called my OB (whom I hadn't even seen yet, 1st apt wasn't until 10 weeks) and was told it was "normal" but since it stopped and come back, to go home and put my feet up.

I went home, lay down on the couch and only budged to pee. Although, it just kept coming more and more. Finally I called my OB again and was told to go to the ER since it was after hours. After a few hours, we were there and I was taken in for an ultrasound. They wouldn't let my husband come for some reason. The tech was silent, looking around on the screen. I could barely see and what I could I had no idea what I was looking at. But I saw the tech type on the bottom "Not 7 weeks" I saw some measurements on the side that was saying around 6 weeks but still being told nothing.

The ER doc came in afterwards and told me that there was no heartbeat detected but it could still be too early and to call my OB within the next few days. I was given the awful "Threatened Miscarriage" info.

I got into my OB the next day. He confirmed it. My baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks 4 days when I should have been 7 weeks 3 days. I was devastated. We had to break the news to everyone. I felt like such a failure. I had a D&C a few days later.

We were given the green light to TTC after my 1st period. We started trying the first cycle and again pregnant on the 1st try!! Of course all the fears and anxiety came. Had an ultrasound at 6w1d, baby measured 5w4d, no heartbeat detected. My heart sunk and I freaked out. I was set up to come back a week later. I was convinced it was over. But a week later I saw a flickering heartbeat and the baby measured right on time at 7w1d.

My pregnancy was pretty smooth. No spotting at all but a few streaks of red blood at 19w but was nothing (a L&D trip to be monitored and checked). Although my water broke at 33w3d. It was a full rupture so there was no turning back.

My daughter was born healthy and breathing on her own on 8.19.2008. She weighed 5lbs 12oz and was 18 inches long. She was in the NICU for 29 days. Her only issue was feeding intolerance which ended up due to anemia. As soon as her anemia was treated, she was eating fine and out in 4 days.

She is now healthy, thriving and beautiful!

If you are interested in reading the raw emotions, click HERE. These are blogs related to my miscarriage. The ones at the very end are during the period of time I considered myself in a black hole while mourning my pregnancy loss. Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Moments That make My Heart Melt

Being a mother is amazing. My whole life have shifted. Before my career, my education, my social life, my husband were the only thing relevant in my world. After Hailey was born, that all changed. Now it's her and our family.

There are times when I just stare at her, either awake or sleeping, in total awe. There are times when it actually moves me to tears. I can sit there watching her sleeping in my peaceful, innocent and perfect...and tear up out of sheer joy. The emotions she brings to my heart are overwhelming.

Just yesterday Randy came home from work after picking up Hailey. She was asleep in the car seat. I couldn't wait for her to wake up so I picked her up. She whined a little, eyes closed, then drifted back to sleep. I sat on the couch with her cradled in my arms. About 10 minutes later she opened her eyes.

She was so excited and taken back by the fact that she woke in my arms. Her beautiful blue eyes widened. She immediately reached out and touched my face. She was wailing her other arm around in excitement. I can't describe the look on her face but it was as if she was so excited to wake up and see me. Like "It's Mommy!!" She began smiling and was just as happy as can be.

Her reaction to waking in my arms after not seeing me all day stuck with me the rest of the night. My heart smiled for hours. It still is!

This is just such an amazing experience. By far the best thing I have ever done and will ever do. I am so thankful to have my baby girl in my life. My heart melts everyday!

Friday, January 23, 2009

Freedom of Choice Act

Wow. This makes me wish I followed Politics more. I usually stay out of them. I hate debating it.

If you know me well, you know my stand on abortion. While I would never get one myself, I do not feel like this country should go as far as making them illegal. This doesn't mean I am Pro-Choice or strictly Pro-Life. I just choose not to judge someone for making different decisions than me.

Although this bill, Freedom of Choice Act, makes me want to vomit. It will basically wipe away any restrictions on abortions currently in place. In other words, this will make partial birth abortions legal up to the baby's due date. Yes, you read that correctly. Any women can decide at any point in their pregnancy, even late into their 3rd trimester, to terminate the pregnancy for no apparent reason. It could be something as simple as because the mother changed her mind.

Medical reasons, I can understand, but because a women changed her mind?

This makes me sick. We are no longer talking about a "cluster of cells" or an "embryo." This is an alive, kicking, thriving, heart-beating, capable of living outside of the womb BABY. Yes, people, a BABY. Call it what you want, but if you are 36 weeks pregnant, it is with a baby. Fetus is just a medical term for an unborn BABY.

There are a few other regulations that will also be overturned. There is a website with a lot of information and also a petition you can sign to attempt to stop it.

Seriously, I do not think that abortions as a whole should be banned but this is absurd! I cannot believe Obama is supporting this. It makes my heart ache.

Those regualtions were put into place for a reason.

I am sitting here, staring at my beautiful baby sleeping through the video monitor, in disbelief that this is now going to be legal. I just don't understand how someone can want to terminate a life, which is such a miracle to create, at any point in a pregnancy.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Google is not your friend: Miscarriage Statistics

I have a live feed on my blog which tells me who had visited (only the city/state they are from) my blog and what website they came from and website they leave to.

For some reason when you google miscarriage statistics, one of my previous blogs comes up where I copied & pasted some statistics I found on the Internet. So anytime someone googles this, they come across that blog post.

I imagine that this is happening because, like me, you are petrified of a miscarriage once you learn you are pregnant. So you hop on Google and bring up some websites in hopes of getting some reassurance that you will not be a part of this devastating statistic.

I am a part of this statistic. I always will be. Nothing is going to change that. That 5% my blog post talks about, I am a part of that. 5% seems small, but not once you find yourself a part of it.

When you are pregnant, Google is not your friend. You try to Google every worry in order to breath easier and most of the time you come across something that makes you feel worse and then find something else you would have never worried about had you not Googled in the first place!

So as much as humanly possible, refrain from the Google!! Step away from the computer and take a deep breath. I may be a part of this statistic, but that doesn't mean you will be. If you are truly worried about something, call your OB. This is what they get paid the big bucks for. They can give you the reassurance you need. After all, they have a medical degree and we all know degrees from University of Google aren't recognized at any medical facility!! =)

I understand your worry. My future pregnancy(s) will always be plagued with this fear. Don't let this ruin your pregnancy bliss! Relax, put your feet up and have a giant bowl of ice cream! You deserve it!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

This makes complete sense: Miscarriage Survivor

"Being able to survive it, doesn't make it okay"

I couldn't agree with this more.

Friday, January 16, 2009

An Ode to Baby Poop

I have written before how it's funny how parenting changes everything. Your perspective changes, your concerns, your lifestyle...everything.

Any mother of a new baby knows the joy of pooping. Pooping is a good thing. You get excited for a good poop! You are disappointed with a small poop. You worry if your baby doesn't poop.

You celebrate a good poop!!

Hailey is a clockwork pooper. She always poops in the morning after her first bottle. I can almost time it! Bring on the poop!

Yesterday, she didn't poop as usual. By the time I dropped her off at my mother-in-laws before work, she still hadn't pooped. My sister-in-law was there too. So later in the day, I texted my sis-in-law wondering if she had pooped. Nope, no poop as of yet. Great. Why isn't she pooping? Was it the multi-vitamin she got last night? Where's my good poop?

So I inform Randy of the poopless morning. He seems concerned over her lack of poop as well. Once he gets home and picks her up, he texts me that she finally pooped! YAY FOR POOP!

And for the record, she is back to her regularly scheduled pooping and gave her momma a nice guacamole poop this morning!

Friday, January 9, 2009

Some People Have Shit For Brains

Excuse the harshness of the title, but after you read this you will know why I chose it.

I was at the mall and was walking out to my car. I happened to be parked by Sears and walked past their Merchandise Pick Up area. I could see that this 4 door sedan had a giant plasma TV taking up the whole back seat. As I become closer to the car, I see 3, count that 3, young children crawling into the front seat with what probably is their mother. One child in sitting on the floor and the other 2 are situating themselves on the mother's lap. The driver is getting into the driver's seat. I am stunned.

They were going to drive home this way, with three young kids, all of which looked like they were still at least booster seat age. And the parents thought this was okay.

Does is take that much common sense to know that if you bring your 3 kids along to pick up your huge new TV in a 4 door, 5 passenger car that there is not going to be enough room for all to ride safely back to your destination? Really? Have you ever heard of having only one of you go so the other can watch the kids? (And yes this possible because the Sears workers will put the merchandise in your car for you so there is no need to bring multiple people). Or maybe getting a sitter of some sort if both of you insist on going? Is it really that difficult?

A child's safety (anyone for that matter) is the most important and should never be compromised. I don't care how inconvenient it is, it's priority.

And don't give me this "But it's only down the street" or "I have done this so many times and nothing have ever happened" or "You don't understand everyone's situation" bullshit. I won't buy it. I actually won't buy any excuse for this behavior. It shouldn't be done period! Picking up your huge luxury flat screen TV is not a life or death situation. Riding in a car the way that family was is!

This is not rocket science people. Here is a great website for information about children's safety in the car:

Here, I will even give you another resource:

A friend of mine told me today she saw a 2 year old riding in a car on his/her mother's lap while the mother was driving! Wow really? Did Britney Spears strike again?

Please educate yourself on this.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Cheers to a new year!

It's 2009! Happy New Year!

As I reflect on this past year, I see that there have been a lot of changes in my life. I started the year still mourning the loss of my first pregnancy. Having a miscarriage changed so many things in my life. My outlook on pregnancy and parenthood are different and is something I know hold very sacred and do not take for granted.

In the month of January, I found out I was pregnant again. Lots of emotions ran through my head. From sheer excitement to fear and anxiety which plagued the first trimester of my pregnancy. My pregnancy bliss is forever tainted with the fear of another miscarriage.

In January, I also attended the funeral of a family friend. He was referred to as "Papa" to everyone who knew him. He was the father of my mother's best friend. Papa will always be missed.

In April, I attended another funeral. This one for Rich, the best friend of my brother-in-law, who died in a serious car accident. It was discovered it was due to high speeds and alcohol on the highway. This was a devastating loss (as all losses are).

In May, my husband and I celebrated our one year anniversary. I also found myself in Labor & Delivery due to some explained bleeding which turned out to be nothing. We also found out we were having a baby girl

I also attended yet a third funeral of the year. Stacey was a family friend of my husband's. She died an unexplained death due to the possibility of a prescription drug overdose but still unsure of the real cause.

In July, I ended up in Labor & Delivery again for some contractions. All was good and I was sent home.

In August, my daughter was born 7 weeks early due to my water breaking unexpectedly and for no specific reason at all. Hailey Cathleen was born August 19th @ 3:31pm weighing 5lbs 12oz. We spent the next 29 days visiting her in the NICU counting down the days until she could finally come home with us.

In September, we were finally able to bring home our baby girl.

I turned 27 in October. Celebrated some great first holidays with Hailey and ended the year with a bang at a New Years Eve party at our house!

So here it is January 1, 2009. I am anxious for what this year will bring. Lots of joy as we get to watch Hailey grow! Hopefully I won't be attending any funerals this year!

Cheers to a fantastic 2009!