I am a miscarriage survivor. But what does it mean to be a miscarriage survivor?
The dictionary defines survivor as to remain alive or in existence. My baby isn't alive, is no longer in existence. But I am, so that makes me a survivor?? There has to be more to it.
A survivor is also defined as to carry on despite hardships or trauma, to persevere. I survived the physical aspects of a miscarriage. For those who have never had one only look at it from the emotion stand point of loss. What most people don't understand is that you not only go through a miscarriage emotionally, but you go through it physically. After the physical part is over, you are left feeling empty with a great deal of sorrow you never felt possible. The disappointment is overwhelming. You feel like a failure in the eyes of your family, friends and your husband. I was unable to carry this child to term. I announced this amazing news and now I have failed. I failed to carry this child to what it should have been, to what it could have been. I ripped the dream of being a grandmother from my mom. Her excitement turned to sorrow. My husband will not be a father in July. He won't be able to have his summer baby. I worked through all these emotions and come out in one piece. I have coped with the trauma and persevered through it. As much as humanly possible I have persevered through it.
But have I really? Can you ever actually move past something like this? If I never get through this completely, have I truely survived it? At what point do I actually become a survivor?
This experience and sorrow will stay with me for the rest of my life. As the years go on it will be dulled with the joy of future children. But for now, I think about this everyday.
I am a miscarriage survivor, I will always be a miscarriage survivor. A part of my past I can never erase, a part of my past that will always stay with me.
I am a miscarriage survivor.