Saturday, January 5, 2008

I am a Miscarriage Survivor

I am a miscarriage survivor. But what does it mean to be a miscarriage survivor?

The dictionary defines survivor as to remain alive or in existence. My baby isn't alive, is no longer in existence. But I am, so that makes me a survivor?? There has to be more to it.

A survivor is also defined as to carry on despite hardships or trauma, to persevere. I survived the physical aspects of a miscarriage. For those who have never had one only look at it from the emotion stand point of loss. What most people don't understand is that you not only go through a miscarriage emotionally, but you go through it physically. After the physical part is over, you are left feeling empty with a great deal of sorrow you never felt possible. The disappointment is overwhelming. You feel like a failure in the eyes of your family, friends and your husband. I was unable to carry this child to term. I announced this amazing news and now I have failed. I failed to carry this child to what it should have been, to what it could have been. I ripped the dream of being a grandmother from my mom. Her excitement turned to sorrow. My husband will not be a father in July. He won't be able to have his summer baby. I worked through all these emotions and come out in one piece. I have coped with the trauma and persevered through it. As much as humanly possible I have persevered through it.

But have I really? Can you ever actually move past something like this? If I never get through this completely, have I truely survived it? At what point do I actually become a survivor?

This experience and sorrow will stay with me for the rest of my life. As the years go on it will be dulled with the joy of future children. But for now, I think about this everyday.

I am a miscarriage survivor, I will always be a miscarriage survivor. A part of my past I can never erase, a part of my past that will always stay with me.

I am a miscarriage survivor.


Anonymous said...

I just found your blog. I'm so sorry for your loss. Many hugs and prayers to you. It's comforting to know that someone else is going through the same emotions. I had a miscarriage in April and an ectopic this December. Pixie

Anonymous said...

I came across this by chance. I am also a 20 something going through the sadness of a miscarriage and although it happened to me a year ago last December, a week before Christmas to be exact, I am still a bit of an emotional wreck. Some days, in fact most days I'm fine, and I mean totally fine, but other days (like today) I feel very lonely. I hope to have a family one day but for now the pain is always there somewhere in me. I get through by thinking of the future and staying positive. It sounds simple but it does work. Thanks for reading. x

Parker's Paradise said...

I also came across your blog by chance. I lost my first pregnancy in Dec. 2006. Being the first of anyone I know, no could understand my pain. Not a day goes by that I don't think about that baby. I was blessed with a healthy baby girl in March of 2008 and my daughter will know that she has an older sibling waiting for us in heaven.

Jessica R said...

I totally understand...I've had 5 miscarriages in the last year while trying to get pregnant with #2. It's heartbreaking and isolating.