Baby Blog

I started a baby blog when I first found out I was pregnant. I kept it hidden but now that I have announced on this blog here's the link:

http://pumpkin-on-board.blogspot.com/

I am planning on putting up the 10 week ultrasound pictures soon. Just haven't gotten around to doing it yet!!

I am Pregnant again

I am 11 weeks pregnant. I haven't announced it on this blog because a lot of friends and family may still read this and we weren't going to announce until we saw the heartbeat twice.....and now we have! Everything is going really well and the baby was measuring 4 days ahead on Wednesday.

We feel confident and excited! But I still have my moments. I will not ignore this blog, because I still have a lot to say about the subject of miscarriage. I am hoping to bring inspiration to those ladies who read my blog. I am hoping my success story will give you the confidence to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can have a healthy pregnancy. Although I do not consider myself out of the woods yet, I feel I am right on the edge.

Here's to a happy and healthy pregnancy....for all of us!!!!!

I Hate That Miscarriages Exist

It makes me so sad and so angry. Why does this type of loss exist? It's designed to rip the hopes and dreams and excitement out of underneath you. One moment you think everything is great and you are looking forward to the little miracle happening in 9 short months. Then it's gone.

I am sad this happens to so many women. I am sad that this happened to me. I am sad to hear of all the women you could relate to me when I shared the news of our loss.

I am angry that this changed my life so much. I am angry for those who have had this happen to them more than once. I am angry at the fear of this happening to me again. I am angry at the possibility that this could happen to someone else close to me or even to someone I don't know. I am angry at how often this happens

I wish I could understand this more. I wish I could understand the anger and sadness I feel right now. I wish I could stop crying about this. I wish I wasn't so angry about it.

I want to understand this better but no matter how hard I try, I am more angry and sad in the end.

I wish miscarriages did not exist.

Positive Outlook Update

I forgot about this vow I made! So far so good. Unfortunately, I am not planning on announcing any pregnancy news on this blog for awhile. Randy and I decided that we will keep the exciting news to ourselves until about 10 weeks or so. Soooo speculate all you want! We won't tell you anyways!!

But things are looking good. Even though I can slip back into what I call "The Black Hole" every now and then, I feel better. It can be so hard at times to stay positive especially when I see pregnant women and newborn babies everywhere. Overall, my outlook is looking good!

My LIST

I have a mental list in my head of things I want to do before I die. I'm sure this will grow as time goes on and I'm hoping I will also be able to cross things off.

1. Go to Italy
2. Own a BMW, my mid-life crisis car
3. Run a marathon
4. Go to Australia
5. Go sky diving again
6. Become a mommy
7. Donate my hair to Locks of Love

Once I am Pregnant Again, Everything Will Be Okay

I am beginning to think the statement above is not true. I am so excited to get pregnant again and have a healthy baby but I am still not emotionally over the miscarriage.

I think this will stay with me a lot longer than I thought at first. And I am okay with that. I don't want to be forget about the first pregnancy. But I will certainly appreciate the next pregnancy a lot more than I ever imagined. I will cherish motherhood a lot more than I think I would have had this not happened. I will see my first born as the true miracle that it really is. I will love that baby and any other babies I have with a different kind of love. A love, I am sure, they will never understand.

One Will Always Be Missing

I know that eventually the pain and sorrow of this experience will soon fade especially when we have a baby. I am wondering if even years down the road and a few healthy babies later, am I going to have this feeling that one will always be missing? Maybe this won't happen like I think. Maybe when our first baby is born, this will fade in a way I never thought possible. Maybe I won't have this sense of loss. But I can't help but think now that one will always be missing.

That one will be in my heart forever. Maybe I will never talk of it, maybe I won't even tell our children when they are older. I don't know. But I will always have a place in my heart for the first baby we lost. He/she will always be there and will live on in my heart. Even if the thought or feeling is in the back of mind, one will always be missing.