Friday, November 13, 2009

Miscarriage Survivor: To Be Naive Again....

My daughter is now almost 15 months old. The question of when we are planning to have another is starting to creep into casual conversations. I know several women around me that are pregnant or TTC (Trying to Conceive). This definitely makes me think about baby #2 more.... but I am not ready... yet. Ask me again in a year.

Thinking about TTC brings up a lot of emotions, more than the average person I would think. I have 2 things not on my side, 2 big things. One is a huge statistic and the other, though you make think it's a small statistic, is actually a big one for me as well. I've said before, once you find yourself apart of a small statistic, it no longer seems so small.

My first statistic, the "small" one, is the fear of another miscarriage. The constant worrying, analyzing every symptom, taking several pregnancy tests just to be sure it's still positive, checking the toilet paper to make sure there is no blood (yes, I did this. If you have been through it, you'd understand), and the waiting.....waiting....waiting to get out of the first trimester and for each ultrasound to see everything is still going okay.

My second statistic is the 40% chance I have of another premature birth. I cannot and do not want to go through NICU time ever again. And having a child already is not going to make it any easier to visit and deal with the tidal wave of emotions that it brings on.

Combine those two and it does not equal pregnancy bliss for me. It makes me scared and angry. Why can't I seem to carry a baby to full term? Even if I make it out of the miscarriage danger zone, will I make it to full term?? What is wrong with my body?? How I am supposed to rest with a busy toddler running around? Should I even risk it? Should Hailey be an only child?

So yea, I try to avoid thinking about TTC again for now. Thinking about it opens the flood gates. This is not something I am ready to deal with. Thankfully, my annual appointment with my OB is supposed to be next month (time to make that appointment actually) so I am planning on discussing this with him. It's quite possible we will be either TTC or seriously thinking about it by the time I'd see him again. I am hoping he will give me some light at the end of this tunnel.

To be naive again.... that's what I would like. To not have any fear of anything when it comes to TTC and pregnancy. I'd love to just get pregnant and always assume pregnant = baby. My previous history doesn't guarantee that. My previous history makes me worried about the outcome. How early will my pregnancy end this time? Can I actually carry to full term? I am putting all my bets that I will carry to term but my previous history makes me doubt that every second I think about it.


Parker's Paradise said...

I'm right there with you sister! I just posted about this a week or so ago! It's so scary isn't it?!

Finally Pregnant! said...

I have never been though what you have been through, so I can't speak from experience, but I also wish I had no worries. I have so many friends and family members that have been through a loss (and a few of them that went through premature labor) and I'm scared shitless. I wish being pregnant meant I get to bring a healthy baby home after a full term pregnancy!

I constantly worry about everything right now...and even check the toilet paper EVERY time I use the restroom. I analyze EVERY symptom.

Just know you are not alone. I hope your appoitment goes well with your doctor and he/she can shed some positive light your way. Little Hailey will get a little brother or sister when you are ready. =)

The Fearless Formula Feeder said...

Meghan, I relate so much to what you are saying. I didn't have a premature birth, but I did have IUGR and Leo nearly died in utero... so my entire pregnancy, from start to finish, was filled with fear. I am in a state of "let's just do it and get it over with" about #2, but I'm sure when I actually get pregnant I will be scared sh*tless. Thanks for voicing what I'm sure many of us feel.

Larry said...

I (we) know how you feel. After going through 3 miscarriages before having our first child, we wondered if we'd ever have one. We now have 3 healthy kids, as you know, and all 3 pregnancies have been real hard for Melanie. Pre-eclampsia, early deliveries, high blood pressure, the risks. It sure makes it hard. I hope that you guys will have another beautiful baby some day and not give up hope.