2 years ago, I lost my first baby. The reason I will never know. It's intriguing that, in efforts to be comforted by others, I have been constantly told that the pain will go away eventually. Or when I birth my first child, I will no longer be sad. And the most interesting, I will forget it ever happened once I have children.
It's been 2 years, I have a 15 month old daughter and guess what.... I haven't forgotten. And you know what, I never will. The experience still haunts me, still makes me sad, and still makes me wonder what could have been. I would never wish for this and would never wish for it on anyone else. If it were up to me, this would have never happened.
Things happen for a reason, right? Hmmmm, you all know my feelings on this phrase, that is if you have read this blog post.
I think I have told this story before, and I will tell it again. My Grandmother once told me how silly she thought it was that a lady she knew had a memorial bench at a cemetary where plaques were placed for family members that died, including a plaque for the miscarriage she had 52 years earlier. She didn't get it. She didn't understand why you would honor or still want to remember this type of loss. This pain is REAL, this experience is REAL. It cannot be made up, it cannot be forgotten. Even if the pain is dulled by healthy children since born, it still lies there in our hearts.
The one that will always be missing.
My daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I consider her a gift my first baby gave me. It's like he/she said "Here. I cannot be there with you, but she can." I am not thankful I had a miscarriage, I am thankful that my daughter is here with me now and she is a gift from the baby that could have been.
So here it is, 2 years later. A lot has changed in the past 2 years. Scars are the reminders that our past is real. I look forward to what the future brings but I will never forget my lost baby.
And to my strong mommas that will always understand and will always be there, I thank you for being there the last 2 years. I couldn't have done it without you.
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4 comments:
I will always miss my two angels as well..
In a few weeks, I will be having an anatomy scan almost exactly a year from when I was having a D&C after losing my 11 week pregnancy. It's really bittersweet.
Through the excitement of my new pregnancy, I find myself always talking about the first baby, too.
We really never will forget.
Thinking of you!
Still struggling with the loss of our first child as well...the 3 year angel day anniversary is coming up quick.
I hate that phrase too that everything happens for a reason. Its barbaric to say. We will never forget our children no matter how long we were graced with their presence on this earth. *HUGS*
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