Miscarriage Survivor: To Be Naive Again....

My daughter is now almost 15 months old. The question of when we are planning to have another is starting to creep into casual conversations. I know several women around me that are pregnant or TTC (Trying to Conceive). This definitely makes me think about baby #2 more.... but I am not ready... yet. Ask me again in a year.

Thinking about TTC brings up a lot of emotions, more than the average person I would think. I have 2 things not on my side, 2 big things. One is a huge statistic and the other, though you make think it's a small statistic, is actually a big one for me as well. I've said before, once you find yourself apart of a small statistic, it no longer seems so small.

My first statistic, the "small" one, is the fear of another miscarriage. The constant worrying, analyzing every symptom, taking several pregnancy tests just to be sure it's still positive, checking the toilet paper to make sure there is no blood (yes, I did this. If you have been through it, you'd understand), and the waiting.....waiting....waiting to get out of the first trimester and for each ultrasound to see everything is still going okay.

My second statistic is the 40% chance I have of another premature birth. I cannot and do not want to go through NICU time ever again. And having a child already is not going to make it any easier to visit and deal with the tidal wave of emotions that it brings on.

Combine those two and it does not equal pregnancy bliss for me. It makes me scared and angry. Why can't I seem to carry a baby to full term? Even if I make it out of the miscarriage danger zone, will I make it to full term?? What is wrong with my body?? How I am supposed to rest with a busy toddler running around? Should I even risk it? Should Hailey be an only child?

So yea, I try to avoid thinking about TTC again for now. Thinking about it opens the flood gates. This is not something I am ready to deal with. Thankfully, my annual appointment with my OB is supposed to be next month (time to make that appointment actually) so I am planning on discussing this with him. It's quite possible we will be either TTC or seriously thinking about it by the time I'd see him again. I am hoping he will give me some light at the end of this tunnel.

To be naive again.... that's what I would like. To not have any fear of anything when it comes to TTC and pregnancy. I'd love to just get pregnant and always assume pregnant = baby. My previous history doesn't guarantee that. My previous history makes me worried about the outcome. How early will my pregnancy end this time? Can I actually carry to full term? I am putting all my bets that I will carry to term but my previous history makes me doubt that every second I think about it.

I Welcome Everything

I welcome everything. I welcome the morning sickness, the nausea, the face break outs, the sore boobs, the bloating, the weight gain....anything! I am okay with gaining 100 pounds if that means for me to birth a healthy baby. I am okay with throwing up everyday if that means a healthy baby.

When the day comes, I welcome everything.

The Quest to have a Baby

I never thought so much would go into conceiving a child. In the beginning, you picture a duration of passionate crazy nights of sex and excitement. Only to realize how much of a chore it becomes. Suddenly you are scheduling when you need to baby dance around busy schedules. You also think it will not be an issue of any kind. Sex = baby right? Wrong. It's all about timing. How will you know your timing is correct? Charts, temps, ovulation kits....takes the fun right out of it. It becomes this quest of determination to plant the seed. Every month, you only have only a 25% chance of getting pregnant. That is frustratingly low. Though so far we have not been bitten by the infertility bug, we have had our obstacles.

It the midst of all the baby dancing, two week wait after you ovulate, peeing on the life changing home pregnancy test; you forget to realize that getting pregnant is not the end of the pursuit. A whole other set of worries and rules set in. What to eat, what not to eat, no lifting, don't do this, make sure you do that. Then there is making it through what seems like an eternity......the 1st trimester. Typically, if you have a heartbeat by 7 weeks, your chances of miscarrying are 5%. For some women, that is high, too high, frighteningly high. We didn't have a heartbeat at 7 weeks. We are a part of a different statistic, one I never imagined I would relate to. Trying to conceive is a part time job in itself. It makes me realize what a true miracle birthing a healthy baby is. Now that's a world I would love to live in....Motherhood.

It would be nice.....

It would be nice if people learned to have more tact. I think the world would be a better place.

For those who don't know what it means to be tactful, here's a clue: a keen sense of what to do or say in order to maintain good relations with others or avoid offense.

Learn it. Live it. Love it.

The End

Has the cloud lifted?

I woke up a few days ago and it was as if the cloud had finally started to lift. For the first time in weeks I feel slightly normal. I'm wondering how long this will last. Randy has noticed a big difference in me and he loves it. I am hoping that this isn't just a random hormone spurt that will soon fall.

The emotional rollercoaster you go through after a miscarriage is indescribable. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. And now it feels as though I am off the bumpy ride and on flat ground. I want to lose the weight I gained from being pregnant and being depressed about the miscarriage. I want to jump back into the TTC (trying to conceive) boat and give it another try. Aunt flo is here and has given me hope for the future.

I'm hoping my blogs will become happier and more random like the person I really am. So for those of you who actually read my blog, I need some major baby dust!! Send all you got my way!!

Here's to 2008

Cheers to a new beginning!! Hopefully it will be filled with the pidder-padder of tiny little feet. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we embark on our second round of trying to conceive.

Cheers to 2008!!