Because I Remember....

October 15th marks Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. In to remember & acknowledge this day, we light a candle at 7pm in your respective time zone, hoping to create a wave of light.

Because I will always remember....

Success After a Loss Baby: Almost 2 years old

I cannot believe my little girl is almost two!!! Where does the times go?

Miscarriage Survivor: 2 years later and I haven't forgotten

2 years ago, I lost my first baby. The reason I will never know. It's intriguing that, in efforts to be comforted by others, I have been constantly told that the pain will go away eventually. Or when I birth my first child, I will no longer be sad. And the most interesting, I will forget it ever happened once I have children.

It's been 2 years, I have a 15 month old daughter and guess what.... I haven't forgotten. And you know what, I never will. The experience still haunts me, still makes me sad, and still makes me wonder what could have been. I would never wish for this and would never wish for it on anyone else. If it were up to me, this would have never happened.

Things happen for a reason, right? Hmmmm, you all know my feelings on this phrase, that is if you have read this blog post.

I think I have told this story before, and I will tell it again. My Grandmother once told me how silly she thought it was that a lady she knew had a memorial bench at a cemetary where plaques were placed for family members that died, including a plaque for the miscarriage she had 52 years earlier. She didn't get it. She didn't understand why you would honor or still want to remember this type of loss. This pain is REAL, this experience is REAL. It cannot be made up, it cannot be forgotten. Even if the pain is dulled by healthy children since born, it still lies there in our hearts.

The one that will always be missing.

My daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I consider her a gift my first baby gave me. It's like he/she said "Here. I cannot be there with you, but she can." I am not thankful I had a miscarriage, I am thankful that my daughter is here with me now and she is a gift from the baby that could have been.

So here it is, 2 years later. A lot has changed in the past 2 years. Scars are the reminders that our past is real. I look forward to what the future brings but I will never forget my lost baby.

And to my strong mommas that will always understand and will always be there, I thank you for being there the last 2 years. I couldn't have done it without you.

Miscarriage Survivor: To Be Naive Again....

My daughter is now almost 15 months old. The question of when we are planning to have another is starting to creep into casual conversations. I know several women around me that are pregnant or TTC (Trying to Conceive). This definitely makes me think about baby #2 more.... but I am not ready... yet. Ask me again in a year.

Thinking about TTC brings up a lot of emotions, more than the average person I would think. I have 2 things not on my side, 2 big things. One is a huge statistic and the other, though you make think it's a small statistic, is actually a big one for me as well. I've said before, once you find yourself apart of a small statistic, it no longer seems so small.

My first statistic, the "small" one, is the fear of another miscarriage. The constant worrying, analyzing every symptom, taking several pregnancy tests just to be sure it's still positive, checking the toilet paper to make sure there is no blood (yes, I did this. If you have been through it, you'd understand), and the waiting.....waiting....waiting to get out of the first trimester and for each ultrasound to see everything is still going okay.

My second statistic is the 40% chance I have of another premature birth. I cannot and do not want to go through NICU time ever again. And having a child already is not going to make it any easier to visit and deal with the tidal wave of emotions that it brings on.

Combine those two and it does not equal pregnancy bliss for me. It makes me scared and angry. Why can't I seem to carry a baby to full term? Even if I make it out of the miscarriage danger zone, will I make it to full term?? What is wrong with my body?? How I am supposed to rest with a busy toddler running around? Should I even risk it? Should Hailey be an only child?

So yea, I try to avoid thinking about TTC again for now. Thinking about it opens the flood gates. This is not something I am ready to deal with. Thankfully, my annual appointment with my OB is supposed to be next month (time to make that appointment actually) so I am planning on discussing this with him. It's quite possible we will be either TTC or seriously thinking about it by the time I'd see him again. I am hoping he will give me some light at the end of this tunnel.

To be naive again.... that's what I would like. To not have any fear of anything when it comes to TTC and pregnancy. I'd love to just get pregnant and always assume pregnant = baby. My previous history doesn't guarantee that. My previous history makes me worried about the outcome. How early will my pregnancy end this time? Can I actually carry to full term? I am putting all my bets that I will carry to term but my previous history makes me doubt that every second I think about it.

Gorgeous Success After a Loss Baby

Courtesy of Larry Reeves Photography

October 15th: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. Each year, over half a million dreams are shattered. Out of 3.3 million born alive, some 30,000 die during the first 28 days. Another 39,000 babies are still born. Miscarriage occurs in fifteen to twenty percent of pregnancies, while ectopic pregnancy occurs in one percent.

More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action.

Satisfaction Not Guaranteed

Nothing in life is ever a guarantee. And I don't think most would think twice about this until something has happened to them to make them think otherwise.

I had a miscarriage almost 2 years ago. Up until that point, I always assumed pregnancy = baby. I never thought twice about it when I found out I was pregnant or when I had found out someone else was pregnant.

Now I know this isn't always the case. There is no guarantee.

Now whenever I hear the news of some one's pregnancy & how far along they are, I instantly tense up. If I find out that someone is very early & announcing their pregnancy, I have to take a deep breath. And even to try to tell myself, just because it has happened to me, doesn't mean it will happen to someone else.

Untelling everyone when I miscarried was painful. It was like a dagger in my heart every time I had to watch the expressions on people's faces change when I broke the news to them. When I got pregnant again, with Hailey, we didn't announce it to everyone until after 10 weeks when we had seen the heartbeat twice.

After my miscarriage, I know it put the fear in some of my friends heads that it would happen to them when they became pregnant. I was convinced I had taken one for the team, so none of them would ever experience what I did.

I told myself this... but it hasn't happened this way. Two friends have recently miscarried. It was hard to hear it. It was hard to even be on the other end of it. It brought up old emotions & anxieties. I knew what they were going through and wanted so bad to take it away. I hadn't taken one for the team after all.

Then there are the women who do not know the heartache. The heartache surrounding those who have experienced it or being around someone who has. A friend of mine, who had experienced a loss herself, said recently "I always say that there are women who get pregnant and have no question in their mind that pregnancy = baby. After a loss, even an early one, you always know that just because you get that second line on a test you aren't guaranteed to be holding a baby at the end of it."

I am jealous of those women. I wish I was naive to this type of pain. Most women have blissful pregnancies, not a worry in sight other than gaining too much weight maybe. I am sure they have their fears but they do not have this one. Most women are busy celebrating their pregnancies while I will be hoping to sustain it. Most women worry about finances, symptoms, giving birth, gaining weight, motherhood.... I will worry about my baby dying inside of me.

I wish there was a way to get that guarantee. But it's impossible. Another example of how miscarriage has plagued my life with anger & resentment. I want that guarantee.