It's.Just.Me

Because I Remember....

2010-10-15T23:42:00.000-07:00

October 15th marks Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. In to remember & acknowledge this day, we light a candle at 7pm in your respective time zone, hoping to create a wave of light.

Because I will always remember....

Success After a Loss Baby: Almost 2 years old

2010-05-16T10:41:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe my little girl is almost two!!! Where does the times go?

Miscarriage Survivor: 2 years later and I haven't forgotten

2009-11-29T21:45:00.000-08:00

2 years ago, I lost my first baby. The reason I will never know. It's intriguing that, in efforts to be comforted by others, I have been constantly told that the pain will go away eventually. Or when I birth my first child, I will no longer be sad. And the most interesting, I will forget it ever happened once I have children.

It's been 2 years, I have a 15 month old daughter and guess what.... I haven't forgotten. And you know what, I never will. The experience still haunts me, still makes me sad, and still makes me wonder what could have been. I would never wish for this and would never wish for it on anyone else. If it were up to me, this would have never happened.

Things happen for a reason, right? Hmmmm, you all know my feelings on this phrase, that is if you have read this blog post.

I think I have told this story before, and I will tell it again. My Grandmother once told me how silly she thought it was that a lady she knew had a memorial bench at a cemetary where plaques were placed for family members that died, including a plaque for the miscarriage she had 52 years earlier. She didn't get it. She didn't understand why you would honor or still want to remember this type of loss. This pain is REAL, this experience is REAL. It cannot be made up, it cannot be forgotten. Even if the pain is dulled by healthy children since born, it still lies there in our hearts.

The one that will always be missing.

My daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I consider her a gift my first baby gave me. It's like he/she said "Here. I cannot be there with you, but she can." I am not thankful I had a miscarriage, I am thankful that my daughter is here with me now and she is a gift from the baby that could have been.

So here it is, 2 years later. A lot has changed in the past 2 years. Scars are the reminders that our past is real. I look forward to what the future brings but I will never forget my lost baby.

And to my strong mommas that will always understand and will always be there, I thank you for being there the last 2 years. I couldn't have done it without you.

Miscarriage Survivor: To Be Naive Again....

2009-11-13T22:22:00.000-08:00

My daughter is now almost 15 months old. The question of when we are planning to have another is starting to creep into casual conversations. I know several women around me that are pregnant or TTC (Trying to Conceive). This definitely makes me think about baby #2 more.... but I am not ready... yet. Ask me again in a year.

Thinking about TTC brings up a lot of emotions, more than the average person I would think. I have 2 things not on my side, 2 big things. One is a huge statistic and the other, though you make think it's a small statistic, is actually a big one for me as well. I've said before, once you find yourself apart of a small statistic, it no longer seems so small.

My first statistic, the "small" one, is the fear of another miscarriage. The constant worrying, analyzing every symptom, taking several pregnancy tests just to be sure it's still positive, checking the toilet paper to make sure there is no blood (yes, I did this. If you have been through it, you'd understand), and the waiting.....waiting....waiting to get out of the first trimester and for each ultrasound to see everything is still going okay.

My second statistic is the 40% chance I have of another premature birth. I cannot and do not want to go through NICU time ever again. And having a child already is not going to make it any easier to visit and deal with the tidal wave of emotions that it brings on.

Combine those two and it does not equal pregnancy bliss for me. It makes me scared and angry. Why can't I seem to carry a baby to full term? Even if I make it out of the miscarriage danger zone, will I make it to full term?? What is wrong with my body?? How I am supposed to rest with a busy toddler running around? Should I even risk it? Should Hailey be an only child?

So yea, I try to avoid thinking about TTC again for now. Thinking about it opens the flood gates. This is not something I am ready to deal with. Thankfully, my annual appointment with my OB is supposed to be next month (time to make that appointment actually) so I am planning on discussing this with him. It's quite possible we will be either TTC or seriously thinking about it by the time I'd see him again. I am hoping he will give me some light at the end of this tunnel.

To be naive again.... that's what I would like. To not have any fear of anything when it comes to TTC and pregnancy. I'd love to just get pregnant and always assume pregnant = baby. My previous history doesn't guarantee that. My previous history makes me worried about the outcome. How early will my pregnancy end this time? Can I actually carry to full term? I am putting all my bets that I will carry to term but my previous history makes me doubt that every second I think about it.

Gorgeous Success After a Loss Baby

2009-10-31T21:41:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Larry Reeves Photography

October 15th: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day

2009-10-14T23:11:00.000-07:00

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. Each year, over half a million dreams are shattered. Out of 3.3 million born alive, some 30,000 die during the first 28 days. Another 39,000 babies are still born. Miscarriage occurs in fifteen to twenty percent of pregnancies, while ectopic pregnancy occurs in one percent.

More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action.

Satisfaction Not Guaranteed

2009-09-17T10:24:00.000-07:00

Nothing in life is ever a guarantee. And I don't think most would think twice about this until something has happened to them to make them think otherwise.

I had a miscarriage almost 2 years ago. Up until that point, I always assumed pregnancy = baby. I never thought twice about it when I found out I was pregnant or when I had found out someone else was pregnant.

Now I know this isn't always the case. There is no guarantee.

Now whenever I hear the news of some one's pregnancy & how far along they are, I instantly tense up. If I find out that someone is very early & announcing their pregnancy, I have to take a deep breath. And even to try to tell myself, just because it has happened to me, doesn't mean it will happen to someone else.

Untelling everyone when I miscarried was painful. It was like a dagger in my heart every time I had to watch the expressions on people's faces change when I broke the news to them. When I got pregnant again, with Hailey, we didn't announce it to everyone until after 10 weeks when we had seen the heartbeat twice.

After my miscarriage, I know it put the fear in some of my friends heads that it would happen to them when they became pregnant. I was convinced I had taken one for the team, so none of them would ever experience what I did.

I told myself this... but it hasn't happened this way. Two friends have recently miscarried. It was hard to hear it. It was hard to even be on the other end of it. It brought up old emotions & anxieties. I knew what they were going through and wanted so bad to take it away. I hadn't taken one for the team after all.

Then there are the women who do not know the heartache. The heartache surrounding those who have experienced it or being around someone who has. A friend of mine, who had experienced a loss herself, said recently "I always say that there are women who get pregnant and have no question in their mind that pregnancy = baby. After a loss, even an early one, you always know that just because you get that second line on a test you aren't guaranteed to be holding a baby at the end of it."

I am jealous of those women. I wish I was naive to this type of pain. Most women have blissful pregnancies, not a worry in sight other than gaining too much weight maybe. I am sure they have their fears but they do not have this one. Most women are busy celebrating their pregnancies while I will be hoping to sustain it. Most women worry about finances, symptoms, giving birth, gaining weight, motherhood.... I will worry about my baby dying inside of me.

I wish there was a way to get that guarantee. But it's impossible. Another example of how miscarriage has plagued my life with anger & resentment. I want that guarantee.

Honest Scrap Award

2009-08-31T19:39:00.001-07:00

I was given the Honest Scrap Award by Jennifer, a follow blogger!

This award is given to blogs that write honestly and from the depth of their soul, according to her blog.

There are a couple of rules to accepting the award. Firstly is to pass the award on to 7 other bloggers, and secondly to list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

The following are blogs that I read on a daily basis and can relate to on some level. I love being a part of the blogger community and reading the thoughts of those who are experiencing or have experienced the same that I have.

Without further ado, my nominations!

1. Brooke, author of Mommy in Chief
2. Suzie, author of Recovering Actress
3. Karla, author of My Life by Khloe Marilyn
4. Danielle, author of Surviving the Quarter Life
5. Trish, author of Fertile Hope
6. Michele, author of Michele with one L
7. Sara, author of The Brown Family

And for the 10 honest thing about myself:

1. I am the worst with typos. It's not so much that I cannot spell, more like I type too fast, proofread horribly, & my fingers seems to be dyslexic!

2. I never wear shoes unless I have to. Otherwise I am always barefoot or in sandals. My rough heels show it!

3. Even though the above it true, I always sleep with socks on!

4. I cannot stand the touch of velvet. Touching it is like finger nails on a chalkboard for me. It makes me shutter and feel like I have something on my teeth!

5. I do my make up in the morning using my compact mirror. Here I have 3 bathrooms with huge mirrors in each and I choose to sit on my couch and use my tiny compact mirror.

6. I never wear shorts.

7. I hate talking on the phone. At first I was reluctant to begin texting but now I love it because it's quick & easier then getting stuck on the phone. My husband and I even changed our plan to lower our minutes because both of us hardly talk & text so much.

8. I cannot swim in a lake, river, or ocean if I can see the bottom & cannot touch the bottom. It freaks me out. If it is too deep to touch the bottom I'd rather not be able to see it.

9. I am a very random person. I have a dry sense of humor even though I don't like to describe myself that way.

10. I quote movies or TV shows if the quote fits in the conversation. A lot of people do not catch on and I am surprised when they do. My husband got really sunburned this past weekend and I stroked his red back and said "You're my lobster!" My husband nor the couple we were with knew where that came from. (10 points to the 1st person who knows where the came from and who said it!!).

This was fun, hope you enjoyed!!

Names in the Sand

2009-08-26T08:45:00.000-07:00

Amazingly beautiful & sad memorial website. I just had to share. Click on the picture below.

Female Envy

2009-08-25T20:54:00.000-07:00

Female envy takes so many difference forms. Actually, envy itself comes in many forms. Female envy is in a category of its own. It's practically a phenomenon.

Every human being feels jealously over something at some point in their lives, for some on a daily basis. I definitely feel envious of a lot of things.

Females handle this emotion so differently then men (naturally) but what gets me the most is when female envy brings out the very worst in some women. A woman can go from a heartfelt, compassionate woman to a fire-breathing, rip-your-throat-out devil woman. I know a few women like this.

It really peeves me that this type of emotion warrants such ridiculous behavior. The malicious intent behind reactions caused by female envy are amazing. Let the she-bitch out and there is no turning back.

Women can be so competitive. Everything amongst our species seems to be a giant competition. Who has the biggest boobs, who has the smallest measurement, who has the cutest boyfriend. You name it. We all do it. Every woman has had her she-bitch moments.

I think some women can handle their inner she-bitch better than others. Of course for any women, the she-bitch takes over eventually and all hell breaks loose. What irritates me the most is when the she-bitch takes control over a women's entire emotional well-being to the point where the inner she-bitch is now just a bitch.

I can be jealous and genuinely happy for someone at the same time. I have never been the type to allow the inner she-bitch to take control unless it's totally appropriate (of course I'd be lying if I said I have never let her get out of control! ha). If a women is prettier than me then I just stare at her more and I won't refuse to befriend her because she's prettier than me. I won't put her under a microscope and point out every flaw just to make myself feel better (unless she is just an utter bitch, but then she deserves it). <--- See! Female Envy right there!! ha!

There was this girl in High School, we will call her Mary, who absolutely hated me. I never so much as had a conversation with her that was more than a simple "Hello" yet she couldn't stand me. I never understood it but I also never questioned her. It really didn't make much of a difference to me but it always puzzled me how Mary could hate me so much even though she didn't know a thing about me.

About 2 years out of high school I ran into Mary at a random house party with people I would never think she would know (small world). Mary immediately said Hello in such a joyful manner I actually turned around to see if she was talking to someone behind me. No one was there. I was so confused. She asked all about myself, wanted to know what I have been doing since graduation, etc. Not wanting to be rude, I answered her.

She continues to talk to me as if we were old best friends. Finally, I just couldn't hold it in any longer. I asked her (I think these are close to my exact words) "Why are you talking to me? You hated me in high school and now you are talking to me like we are old friends." I said it tactfully because I wasn't angry, just confused by her friendliness.

Mary admitted to me that she didn't like me in high school because a guy who she had a big crush on would go on and on about how much he liked me and how pretty he thought I was. She said it made her hate me because he didn't think of her that way and she couldn't stand when he and his friends would gock over me. I was surprised by her honesty & she seemed genuinely embarrassed by her behavior.

This baffled me. I couldn't believe she would treat me in such a manner all because of a boy who liked me. And ironically, I had no idea who the guy was. I couldn't even begin to picture a face because the name didn't even sound remotely familiar. Her jealously prevented us from becoming friends or even acquaintances. I just couldn't understand. When I dislike people, it's usually for a valid reason and not solely based on someones looks or others fondness of someones appearance.

There are people in my life now, who act similar to Mary even in their adulthood. I wonder what drives this. Drives females to be so hateful of each other. I have heard countless times women describe themselves as someone who doesn't get along with females. Usually "catty,""bitches," or "drama" is followed for an explanation.

Although female envy exists in every female...even me. This must be one of life's rhetorical questions. Ask all you want but you will never get an answer.

Candle for Annaleigh

2009-08-22T22:20:00.000-07:00

http://threecheersforbabies.blogspot.com
Grab some tissues if you plan to read this....

Success After a Loss Babies

2009-08-22T21:31:00.000-07:00

Each baby pictures here is a success after a miscarriage. Same babies pictured HERE, but now 6 months older. Time flies! Just look at the baby cuteness!!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-08-12T22:16:00.001-07:00

Foto Friday

2009-08-07T17:03:00.000-07:00

Mommy Wars: Parenting Styles

2009-07-22T22:08:00.000-07:00

I never really thought about parenting styles when I was pregnant. And I don't really think of them now. I have never read a single parenting book either. I couldn't tell you where I get my parenting "theories" from, I just have them. And I don't really need a book to help me label it. I have a degree in Psychology with a minor in Child Development. That's about all I can give you.

But recently I have been thinking about it ever since there was some talk of it amongst a group of women I socialize with. There seemed to be some tension between two sides of parenting styles. I never really put together the controversy around it before but I guess it's there along with all the others.

I never really put a label on myself. As a matter of fact, I hate labels. I claimed independent on my political voting ballot because I refuse to consider myself Republican or Democrat. It's just such a big label and saying I am one or the other sets a huge stage. I am bits of both put together.

So if I were to read each and every style, I can probably find aspects of each that I use.

I guess this is why I do not follow a particular parenting style to the T. And I can't really describe what mine is. I will not follow a parenting style religiously and to be honest I don't understand why some do. It's way too much pressure. Parenting is hard enough without having some strict rules to follow in order to be considered a certain style. And I really feel it kind of promotes judgement amongst each other.

"OMG, you don't wear your baby every where you go?... you use a stroller?? That's so against the rules!!" "You are such a hippie mom" Sorry I don't mean to make fun but I am never the follower type so I guess I don't understand those that follow.

Seriously, if your baby is happy, healthy, thriving, and succeeding I don't care what style you use. As long as, you don't judge me for mine, whatever it is called....

Bad Parenting Moment

2009-07-22T21:23:00.000-07:00

Don't worry, the cans are empty and the straw was never used but when you look at this pic its just too funny not to laugh at. Just laugh, you know you want to!!

...Taken at a family Redneck themed birthday party. Doesn't my hubby look hawt!!? ;)

Mommy Wars: Breast vs Formula

2009-07-09T21:34:00.001-07:00

The reason I use the term Mommy Wars is because I find that parenting is such a controversial thing. You wouldn't think it would be, but it is. We all have our opinions of what is acceptable and what isn't and our own are always the right way!

I think I have started to write this blog post several times and didn't really want to know what I wanted to say. I am an advocate for both. I don't want it to be a post whining that I couldn't breastfed and bitching about the negative attitudes towards formula feeding.

This is just such an ongoing battle between moms and society.

Breast is best right? Formula is poison!

Not exactly...

I am an ex-pumping formula feeding mommy...and proud of it!! My preemie daughter spent her first 4 weeks in the NICU. I wasn't there to breastfed 24/7 and she never learned to latch. I was just happy to see her eating on her own I didn't care if it came from a bottle nipple or my own! I exclusively pumped my breast milk and fed it to her through a bottle (or feeding tube in the NICU) until she was 2 months old. She had to be switched to Hypoallergenic formula due to a milk & soy protein allergy. My supply was low and we were using my frozen stash when I ate dairy products so that stash was no longer good and continuing wasn't an option when my supply sunk to nothing.

So yes, I "gave up." I choose what was best for my daughter. Even though I could have tried to get my supply up, the proteins from my breast milk could still effect her even if I went dairy and soy free with my diet.... and it just wasn't worth it. The hypoallergenic formula worked wonders for her and I stuck with it!! And she is thriving!!

I have heard such strong opinions for both sides.

Formula has been compared to feeding babies pizza and Cheetos. Poisoning them with chemicals. Lazy parenting.

Breast is best. It's the best option and so much better for babies. People say this yet they don't want to see it either. Breastfeed your baby but be sure not to do it in public!

Society can't seem to make up their minds. The cringe and judge when they see a mother pull out a bottle and gasp when a mother pulls out her breast. Quite frankly it is none of any one's business what someone feeds their child as long as the child is thriving.

Blog Makeover!!

2009-07-06T19:33:00.000-07:00

I must call attention to my new beautiful redesigned blog! It was definitely time for a makeover!

Courtesy of DesignHer Blog. Brooke is a great blog designer so if you looking for a blog makeover, you can contact Brooke: designherblog@gmail.com She is running a special in July if you sign up as a follower on her blog!

Thank you Brooke!

You are so lucky

2009-07-01T14:16:00.000-07:00

I think it's very common for women at the end of their pregnancies to be anxious for the pregnancy to be over and their babies born. Not only because they are dying to meet that adorable little person who has been kicking them for 9 months, but because they are so uncomfortable from being fat, swollen, and wobbly.

If you have followed my blog, you know that I went into labor and delivered at 33 weeks pregnant. Without going into the long details as I have already done, my premature baby was not released from the hospital until 4 weeks (29 days) later. She stayed in the NICU and finished growing there instead of in the womb I created for her.

A common discussion amongst mothers or between a new mother and a pregnant mother-to-be are labor stories. When I share that I went into labor & delivered at 33 weeks, a typical reaction is "You are so lucky" then followed by the reasons why I am "so" lucky. These usually range from not having to endure the last 2 months of agonizing pregnancy and being able to be done with it early.

Little do they know that all this makes me want to do if flick them on their pretty little forehead and smack some sense into them. It has come to the point where I literally have to bite my tongue to prevent me from ripping them a new one. Yes, I know these comments come from innocence but they are also extremely ignorant.

This has got to be the most ludicrous way of thinking I have ever come across. It really puts into perspective how little the general public (mothers being the majority of who I speak with about this) knows about the seriousness of premature birth. They have absolutely no idea what it means to have a premature baby. They have no idea what it could mean either.

All they think of is not being pregnant anymore and good that will feel. They don't think about how it will feel to watch their innocent tiny baby fight for its life, they don't think about how it will feel to leave their baby in the hospital day after day.

Women are pregnant for 40 weeks for a reason and it's certainly not to torture the pregnant mother. It's to give the baby the proper amount of time to grow and prepare for the outside world. Consider yourself lucky to make it to full term. Your chances of any complications drop drastically.

Just to be clear, I don't expect every pregnant mother to be on the edge of their seats the entire pregnancy in fear of premature birth. I only ask that women educate themselves on pregnancy and understand that the longer their baby stays in, the better. Never think another women is lucky to have given birth early, just thank your lucky stars it didn't happened to you.

Mommy Wars: Babies & Sleep & Self Soothing

2009-06-30T19:50:00.000-07:00

You would never guess how many sleep books there are out there for parents to read. And you wouldn't believe how much your day is surrounded & focused on sleep. There are times when you are so tired of thinking about sleep, you just want to crawl in bed....and sleep. Sleep is a huge subject for any parent under the age of one.

There are also several different opinions on this matter. I am sure you will find a different version or variation of sleep in each parent.

If you were to google baby sleep patterns or something like it, you would more than likely come up with several resources referring to the Ferber Method. One of the many forms of Cry It Out (CIO). There is lots of controversy around this subject. Some think it's horrible and others want plant a big fat kiss on Ferber's face.

Don't worry, I am not even going to touch on the controversial side of it. That's not the point of this post.

Hailey has always been a good sleeper. She began sleeping through the night at about 3 months old 12 hours. She did regress at 6 months & randomly woke 1x a night (always around 11pm) until about 8.5 months old when she began to sleep through the night again. She did this all on her own, no sleep training required and I never resorted to sleep training during the 6-8.5 month period.

Why, you ask? Not because I don't believe in CIO. It's not that I don't, I just choose not to. I know several people who have done it and it's no skin off my back. To each their own.

As a matter of fact, at 10 months old I still rock Hailey to sleep every night (if she will let me! Sometimes she just wants to do it herself!). And I am not ashamed of this whatsoever. I am sure the avid Ferberizers out there are cringing as they read this!!

Self-soothing. This is what Ferber teaches. The ability for a baby to self-soothe themselves back into a peaceful slumber without the help of mommy or daddy.

Here is why I choose the route I do.

Most moms get to hold their babies right after their birth. Cuddle, kiss, stroke and begin the breastfeeding process. They get to cuddle, nurse and snuggle with their babies every 1-2-3 hours a day.

Bonding. The ultimate bonding experience is considered breast feeding (this will be another post all in its own). Even if the mother chooses to bottle feed, she still gets to hold her baby close to her as she does so.

Most mothers also get to take their newborns home with them once they are released. They are with them 24/7 from the second they are born.

Then comes my story.

My baby was born 7 weeks early. She was whisked away at birth due to her prematurity. I got to spend a total of 30 seconds with her before they wheeled her out of the room to the NICU where she stayed for the next 4 weeks.

During these 4 weeks, she was handled by 2 different nurses each day. Different touch, feel, warmth. I was not able to be there 24/7. I didn't get the breastfeeding experience most moms do. My baby was put in an isolette only to be brought out for a short amount of time to be held. My baby got to spend a majority of her first 4 weeks of life by herself in an isolette.

She had trouble eating. This is what kept her in the NICU for that long. We had trouble getting her to eat an entire bottle by herself from a nipple let alone my breast. I pumped and feed her my expressed breast milk through a bottle.

She also had reflux. And add to that too fatigued to eat by mouth and you got yourself a difficult feeding situation. I had to hold her upright and on my lap to feed her. Not only to help her stay awake but also to help the reflux so her food wouldn't come back up, slow her heart rate and have her turn blue because she wasn't getting any oxygen. Yes, I got to see my 2 week old baby turn bright blue in my arms. I had a nurse swoop her out of arms to get her to start breathing again. Makes my heart jump just thinking back on it.

My point is I didn't get to have this blissful bonding experience with my baby until she was 1 month old And even then she still needed to be feed held upright on my lap for the reflux. She screamed bloody murder when she was put to my breast and I was NOT about to stress her out so much where she would stop eating and need to be hospitalized for failure to thrive.

So yes, cuddling and snuggling with her as I rocked her to sleep was the only bonding time I got. It wasn't until she was 3 months old when I got to cradle her as I fed her.

And as far as self soothing. She knows how to self soothe. Trust me. She sleeps 12 hours at night! I hear her from time to time talking to herself in the middle of the night then drifting back to sleep. She doesn't need me to fall asleep. I just prefer and love rocking her to sleep. I love watching her sleep. It's so amazing and peaceful.

So next time anyone decides to judge another for their sleep choices (whether it be CIO or my story) consider the circumstances. You never know what someone's story is.

Skinny Mirror

2009-06-29T21:36:00.000-07:00

Do these actually exist? If so, please pass on the info on where to get one! One thing I cannot stand is when you go in front of a mirror and view yourself in one light, then go to a different mirror and its totally different.

You think you look pretty decent. Not too much muffin top, rolls under control. Hips look marginal. Butt is...ehh..let's not turn around. Then you walk by another mirror and stop in your tracks because you are wondering who is that fat chick following you ...oh wait...that's you! WTF? I just looked skinny in the other mirror. Let's dump this fat mirror in the trash!

Then there's the skinny camera. I don't even think these exist in the slightest. You read the camera adds 10 pounds. Yeah right, make that 30! Here you are looking in the skinny mirror, feeling like the day is a skinny day then you take some pics, view them and your mouth drops to floor. So much for the skinny day! Now whenever you look in the mirror you feel like a fat hog. Great. Gives new meaning to those typical Myspace angled photos where you cannot tell the person's size. Give me angles!!!

Makes you want to clear out all the mirrors in the house and take a hammer to the cameras. Thank goodness for being able to delete on digital cameras.

Adorable Succes After a Loss Baby

2009-06-27T17:51:00.000-07:00

Hailey, 10 months old.

Working Mom

2009-06-26T23:37:00.000-07:00

I am a working mom. I have a full time job and a 10 month old daughter.

My work weeks consist of 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week only to come home to see my daughter for about 1.5 hours before she slips away in a peaceful slumber.

Some may criticize the working mom. Thinking we choose career over motherhood. These people have no idea what they are talking about.

I have had some people comment on how well my daughter "knows" me considering I am away 40 hours of week and cared for by others. For someone to actually think she would view me as just another random person floating in and out of her life obviously has never been a working mom. Working would not cause this type of behavior. She knows exactly who I am and actually prefers me over her caregivers (who happen to be family). I am not just another person to her.

She cries when I leave the room and whines for me to hold her once I walk in the room. Even the family that cares for her while I am at work have stated that she clearly knows who her parents are and acts different when we walk in the room versus anyone else she knows well.

Being a working mom is tough. It's not easy on the days that I work only seeing her in the morning or at night. My days off with her are amazing and make me want to quit my job so I don't have to go back.

In this day and age, especially in this economy, it is very hard to rely off of one income. I work because we need to in order to financially survive. Does this mean we should not have children? Absolutely not! My daughter has an amazing set of parents (if I do say so myself) and loving supportive family. My daughter has the privilege but being surrounded by her family and reaps the benefits of being cared for by them. Even if she was in a public day care, she would still thrive just as much as any other child.

I do not regret being a working mom. As much as I'd rather be a stay at home mom, I am happy with the care my daughter is receiving and am happy she is going to be close with several of her family members in addition to her parents!

Who thinks Miscarriage is a good thing???

2009-06-06T22:01:00.000-07:00

Apparently I should be glad I had a miscarriage. Oh wait, and happy! Why? Simply because I have had another baby since.

Yes people, this came from an ignorant asshat. So having a live birth after a miscarriage makes my miscarriage a "good thing." Are you serious? NOTHING about a miscarriage is a good thing...NOTHING. I don't care how anyone needs to justify why things happen, when it comes to this issue, this is absurd!

Yes, this is EXACTLY how I wanted everything. Did this person even READ my blog? Did you read about the perpetual black hole I was in afterwards? Does that sound like a wonderful experience to you?

Oh AND being deathly afraid during my entire next pregnancy. Yes, I am especially grateful for that! I LOVED examining the TP every time I went to the bathroom, hoping to not see any blood. My heart would pound every time I went to the bathroom for at least the first 20 weeks. Shake your head at me if you want, call me a sissy, whatever you want but until you have been there yourself DON'T tell me how I am supposed to feel now.

Even my next pregnancy will be plagued with the same fear and the same anxiety. So yea, I am ecstatic that I had a miscarriage. Knowing that my first baby died inside of me is a great feeling. One in which I am so thankful to have experienced!

So does that answer your question?? Do you really think I am happy now that I had a miscarriage? Yes, I love my daughter with every inch of my soul. And sure I wouldn't have it any other way but to go as far as saying I am happy to have a miscarriage is the most insensitive thing one has ever said to me. I would have loved that first baby with every inch of my soul too. I consider my daughter a gift from my first baby. So, NO, I am not glad I had a miscarriage.

Help Hailey Win $2500!!

2009-03-24T20:47:00.001-07:00

Vote on her photo at this website!!

https://www.greatamericanphotocontest.com/voter1/index.aspx?referid=EmailFriends&p=1232600&x=.JPG

Domestic Violence & Celebrity Gossip: Rihanna

2009-03-12T21:37:00.001-07:00

For the record, I usually do not get involved with celebrity gossip. For the most part I could care less. But I have to touch on this subject because it makes me angry.

Rihanna & Chris Brown.

I didn't even know they were an item until it came out in the news that he had beaten her senseless. I was angry for her and furious with him. I felt so bad that her young age of 20, she had to endure such a horrific experience. I was happy to find she called the cops and he was being charged with a felony. He deserved everything that was coming to him.

The Face of a Beaten Woman

TMZ released the picture in the link above. I felt sad seeing it. She doesn't even look like Rihanna. I am sure she felt humiliated that it was leaked to the press.

Then I come to find out that she got back together with Chris Brown. Yes, they are back together. According to the radio, it was because she felt it was her fault, that she provoked him. Are you kidding me? If this doesn't scream battered women syndrome, then I don't know what does!

I am seriously beside myself! What is she thinking? She all the resources at her finger tips to get away from him and stay away from him. She has the financial capability to hire 24/7 security to protect her from him if needed. She has all the support of the media she wants. I am astonished.

I heard today that they are in counseling for domestic violence. This is what really ticks me off!! In counseling for domestic violence?? They are 19 & 20 years old, not even married, no kids and in counseling for domestic violence? HELLO?? Red Flags popping up everywhere! Why can't she see them?? What about this whole ordeal screams GOOD DECISION???

But she LOVES HIM, right? Who am I to judge, right? HA! I can judge all I want. As a public figure, I feel she has the duty to be a positive role model. What message is she sending to all the young women out there by getting back together with this animal? This wasn't just a bitch slap (not that slaps are okay, because they are not). He beat her unconscious and mangled her face in the process. This does not constitute forgiveness in any way, shape or form.

What the hell is she thinking? What, did she get out of the hospital and go running back to him? Did her face heal and then she ran off to meet him? "Look the bruises are gone from when you used my face as a punching bag. These bites mark scars, are just a token of your love for me." IDIOT!

They are recording a single together, per the radio. What on earth is going on here?

And for all you "but he is sorry and he will never do it again, he said so" people, BULLSHIT. Sure, maybe someone can rehabilitate from this, turn himself around and become a better person. Of course that's possible. With counseling or help from some sort of professional organization.

But in this case, she ran back to him immediately. She didn't wait for him to successfully complete some sort of program. She didn't give time for him to prove he is a changed man. She went on the sole promise of a guy who beat the hell out of her. In my opinion, right now, his word does not mean shit. Prove it buddy. You can't go from someone who would snap and beat the hell of his girlfriend, to a saint who shall not beat thy girlfriend. I am sure a lot of battered women out there would agree with me. I am sure they have heard the sorrys and yet got beat again.

This is not rocket science. Use your brain for Pete's sake. Rihanna puts the strength and Independence of women across the globe to shame.

Chris Brown is the epitome of male garbage. An asshat at it's best. I hope he goes to prison and Big Bubba beats the crap out of him and makes him his bitch. I hope for his sake, he takes this public display of domestic violence and learns from it. I am sure he is sorry, but can he honestly promise with 100% certainty right now that this will never happen again. Right now, I think not. He has a lot to prove and I certainly hope that the media and the public does not forgive him and take him back in as easily as Rihanna. I hope this society has the common sense to make him work hard for it. And if his career never recovers, he deserves it.

I wish the best for Rihanna and I truly hope it does not happen to her again. She is taking a huge risk with her life. How many times have we heard domestic violence escalate to spousal murder? I hope that's a statistic she does not become a part of.

Foreplay

2009-03-07T22:05:00.000-08:00

Setting the stage, getting in the mood, ambiance...all of these are aspects of foreplay right? What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word foreplay?

I bet a majority think of the sexual acts before sex. Maybe that's all that needs to be done. Sexual petting, flirting, teasing, stimulation...all of a sexual nature.

Not for me. Not in this stage of my life. For me, foreplay begins when I open my eyes in the morning. If there are any chances of sex later that night, on your best behavior you must be.

If my husbands irritates me, forget it. No morning nookie for you buddy.

For me it's more than the sexual petting right before we jump in the sack. More than the 15 minutes before the clothes come off. It's all day, week or month for that matter.

If my husband is getting on my nerves consistently, my libido takes a huge dive. It's so much more than the events only hours before leading up to sex.

Happy wife = a happy life. If momma ain't happy, no one is! Men think if they are married they no longer need to work for it. Boy are they wrong! You need to work even more. Keep your wife happy and mini-husband gets to come out and play.

Gives new meaning to foreplay doesn't it?

I think Paul Newman nailed it on the head with this one!

2009-02-25T23:16:00.000-08:00

“I'm a supporter of gay rights. And not a closet supporter either. From the time I was a kid, I have never been able to understand attacks upon the gay community. There are so many qualities that make up a human being... by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that it is irrelevant.”--Paul Newman

I Woke up Skinny

2009-02-23T21:22:00.000-08:00

OK so I didn't wake up 30 pounds skinnier but I am sure every women can relate to this!

P.M.S. Yea, it's the pits. For me, I retain water and bloat up to a week before Aunt Flo decides to visit. Then once she arrives, I deflate and feel skinnier. All the build up then release after the flow begins. It's like filling a balloon with water, then suddenly letting go of the end of balloon and all the water comes pouring out causing the balloon to shrink.

Yes, I feel like a human water balloon.

So basically 3 out of 4 weeks I feel like a giant troll, then for another 5 days or so the wrath of Aunt Flo. It's not fun. Being a women blows sometimes!

What do men have to deal with on a monthly basis? (And for you men out there, dealing with us during this time doesn't count!) I don't understand this part of the creation of humans. Men may be hairy and gross with rotten smelling bodily functions but they get some sort of enjoyment out of being disgusting.

What's enjoyable about a women's monthly cycle? I'd really like to know. We certainly do not find humor in it and we definitely don't show off our disgustingness with our friends.

The only good thing I can say right now is that they have become easier after childbirth. Hallelujah for that!

Miscarriage Survivor: Proof of Success After a Loss

2009-02-22T20:23:00.000-08:00

Here you are looking at a group of ladies who have suffered a miscarriage (except for 2). As you can see, we are all holding babies. Here is proof of success after a miscarriage.

Okay Lurkers!! Come out, Come out where ever you are!!

2009-02-18T22:57:00.000-08:00

Calling all lurkers!!

Let me know who you are!! Leave me a comment and tell me how you came across my blog!!

Baby Fluff

2009-02-13T20:19:00.000-08:00

This is what I call the extra weight carried from pregnancy. Baby fluff. My new and improved muffin top!

I am beginning to realize that in no way does pre-pregnancy weight mean a pre-pregnancy body. Those are now 2 completely different things!

When I was breast feeding, the weight melted off. Not to mention I swelled like the dickens while pregnant so it was like I shrunk and shriveled back to size. Although once I stopped, the fluff started to come back!! Breast feeding was like exercising every 3 hours. Lots of calories burned! My milk came in great so I was "exercising" like crazy!

Now, not so much. I keep drawing up a plan to loose the baby fluff but it always fails. I am at pre-pregnancy weight, but no where near pre-pregnancy body!

Where the hell did my motivation go? I have lost it. If you find it, point it back my way!

While I should be on the treadmill running, blogging sounds much more appealing!

A Story of a Miscarriage

2009-02-13T19:25:00.000-08:00

The true reason I started this blog was to give myself some self-therapy. Writing things out can be such a huge outlet and it worked wonders for me. At first i didn't share this blog with anyone, but then I decided I shouldn't keep it a secret. So I exposed my raw emotions for anyone to see and it was quite liberating.

It has been over a year since I lost my first little one. I thought I would re-post my story in a condensed version. So here it goes....

In October of 2007 my husband & I jumped on the TTC (trying to conceive) wagon. To our surprise we got a pregnant on the 1st try! We were so excited and told EVERYONE! Myspace bulletins and everything!

For Thanksgiving (I was almost 7 weeks) I went to Oregon and on my trip back I noticed I was spotting pink. Trying not to worry as spotting can be "normal" I only told my husband and my mom. The next day at work it stopped but then came back. I called my OB (whom I hadn't even seen yet, 1st apt wasn't until 10 weeks) and was told it was "normal" but since it stopped and come back, to go home and put my feet up.

I went home, lay down on the couch and only budged to pee. Although, it just kept coming more and more. Finally I called my OB again and was told to go to the ER since it was after hours. After a few hours, we were there and I was taken in for an ultrasound. They wouldn't let my husband come for some reason. The tech was silent, looking around on the screen. I could barely see and what I could I had no idea what I was looking at. But I saw the tech type on the bottom "Not 7 weeks" I saw some measurements on the side that was saying around 6 weeks but still being told nothing.

The ER doc came in afterwards and told me that there was no heartbeat detected but it could still be too early and to call my OB within the next few days. I was given the awful "Threatened Miscarriage" info.

I got into my OB the next day. He confirmed it. My baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks 4 days when I should have been 7 weeks 3 days. I was devastated. We had to break the news to everyone. I felt like such a failure. I had a D&C a few days later.

We were given the green light to TTC after my 1st period. We started trying the first cycle and again pregnant on the 1st try!! Of course all the fears and anxiety came. Had an ultrasound at 6w1d, baby measured 5w4d, no heartbeat detected. My heart sunk and I freaked out. I was set up to come back a week later. I was convinced it was over. But a week later I saw a flickering heartbeat and the baby measured right on time at 7w1d.

My pregnancy was pretty smooth. No spotting at all but a few streaks of red blood at 19w but was nothing (a L&D trip to be monitored and checked). Although my water broke at 33w3d. It was a full rupture so there was no turning back.

My daughter was born healthy and breathing on her own on 8.19.2008. She weighed 5lbs 12oz and was 18 inches long. She was in the NICU for 29 days. Her only issue was feeding intolerance which ended up due to anemia. As soon as her anemia was treated, she was eating fine and out in 4 days.

She is now healthy, thriving and beautiful!

If you are interested in reading the raw emotions, click HERE. These are blogs related to my miscarriage. The ones at the very end are during the period of time I considered myself in a black hole while mourning my pregnancy loss. Thanks for reading.

Moments That make My Heart Melt

2009-02-03T20:53:00.000-08:00

Being a mother is amazing. My whole life have shifted. Before my career, my education, my social life, my husband were the only thing relevant in my world. After Hailey was born, that all changed. Now it's her and our family.

There are times when I just stare at her, either awake or sleeping, in total awe. There are times when it actually moves me to tears. I can sit there watching her sleeping in my arms...so peaceful, innocent and perfect...and tear up out of sheer joy. The emotions she brings to my heart are overwhelming.

Just yesterday Randy came home from work after picking up Hailey. She was asleep in the car seat. I couldn't wait for her to wake up so I picked her up. She whined a little, eyes closed, then drifted back to sleep. I sat on the couch with her cradled in my arms. About 10 minutes later she opened her eyes.

She was so excited and taken back by the fact that she woke in my arms. Her beautiful blue eyes widened. She immediately reached out and touched my face. She was wailing her other arm around in excitement. I can't describe the look on her face but it was as if she was so excited to wake up and see me. Like "It's Mommy!!" She began smiling and was just as happy as can be.

Her reaction to waking in my arms after not seeing me all day stuck with me the rest of the night. My heart smiled for hours. It still is!

This is just such an amazing experience. By far the best thing I have ever done and will ever do. I am so thankful to have my baby girl in my life. My heart melts everyday!

Freedom of Choice Act

2009-01-23T21:55:00.000-08:00

Wow. This makes me wish I followed Politics more. I usually stay out of them. I hate debating it.

If you know me well, you know my stand on abortion. While I would never get one myself, I do not feel like this country should go as far as making them illegal. This doesn't mean I am Pro-Choice or strictly Pro-Life. I just choose not to judge someone for making different decisions than me.

Although this bill, Freedom of Choice Act, makes me want to vomit. It will basically wipe away any restrictions on abortions currently in place. In other words, this will make partial birth abortions legal up to the baby's due date. Yes, you read that correctly. Any women can decide at any point in their pregnancy, even late into their 3rd trimester, to terminate the pregnancy for no apparent reason. It could be something as simple as because the mother changed her mind.

Medical reasons, I can understand, but because a women changed her mind?

This makes me sick. We are no longer talking about a "cluster of cells" or an "embryo." This is an alive, kicking, thriving, heart-beating, capable of living outside of the womb BABY. Yes, people, a BABY. Call it what you want, but if you are 36 weeks pregnant, it is with a baby. Fetus is just a medical term for an unborn BABY.

There are a few other regulations that will also be overturned. There is a website with a lot of information and also a petition you can sign to attempt to stop it.

http://www.fightfoca.com/

Seriously, I do not think that abortions as a whole should be banned but this is absurd! I cannot believe Obama is supporting this. It makes my heart ache.

Those regualtions were put into place for a reason.

I am sitting here, staring at my beautiful baby sleeping through the video monitor, in disbelief that this is now going to be legal. I just don't understand how someone can want to terminate a life, which is such a miracle to create, at any point in a pregnancy.

Google is not your friend: Miscarriage Statistics

2009-01-22T21:07:00.000-08:00

I have a live feed on my blog which tells me who had visited (only the city/state they are from) my blog and what website they came from and website they leave to.

For some reason when you google miscarriage statistics, one of my previous blogs comes up where I copied & pasted some statistics I found on the Internet. So anytime someone googles this, they come across that blog post.

I imagine that this is happening because, like me, you are petrified of a miscarriage once you learn you are pregnant. So you hop on Google and bring up some websites in hopes of getting some reassurance that you will not be a part of this devastating statistic.

I am a part of this statistic. I always will be. Nothing is going to change that. That 5% my blog post talks about, I am a part of that. 5% seems small, but not once you find yourself a part of it.

When you are pregnant, Google is not your friend. You try to Google every worry in order to breath easier and most of the time you come across something that makes you feel worse and then find something else you would have never worried about had you not Googled in the first place!

So as much as humanly possible, refrain from the Google!! Step away from the computer and take a deep breath. I may be a part of this statistic, but that doesn't mean you will be. If you are truly worried about something, call your OB. This is what they get paid the big bucks for. They can give you the reassurance you need. After all, they have a medical degree and we all know degrees from University of Google aren't recognized at any medical facility!! =)

I understand your worry. My future pregnancy(s) will always be plagued with this fear. Don't let this ruin your pregnancy bliss! Relax, put your feet up and have a giant bowl of ice cream! You deserve it!

This makes complete sense: Miscarriage Survivor

2009-01-20T21:22:00.000-08:00

"Being able to survive it, doesn't make it okay"

I couldn't agree with this more.

An Ode to Baby Poop

2009-01-16T11:01:00.000-08:00

I have written before how it's funny how parenting changes everything. Your perspective changes, your concerns, your lifestyle...everything.

Any mother of a new baby knows the joy of pooping. Pooping is a good thing. You get excited for a good poop! You are disappointed with a small poop. You worry if your baby doesn't poop.

You celebrate a good poop!!

Hailey is a clockwork pooper. She always poops in the morning after her first bottle. I can almost time it! Bring on the poop!

Yesterday, she didn't poop as usual. By the time I dropped her off at my mother-in-laws before work, she still hadn't pooped. My sister-in-law was there too. So later in the day, I texted my sis-in-law wondering if she had pooped. Nope, no poop as of yet. Great. Why isn't she pooping? Was it the multi-vitamin she got last night? Where's my good poop?

So I inform Randy of the poopless morning. He seems concerned over her lack of poop as well. Once he gets home and picks her up, he texts me that she finally pooped! YAY FOR POOP!

And for the record, she is back to her regularly scheduled pooping and gave her momma a nice guacamole poop this morning!

Some People Have Shit For Brains

2009-01-09T20:02:00.000-08:00

Excuse the harshness of the title, but after you read this you will know why I chose it.

I was at the mall and was walking out to my car. I happened to be parked by Sears and walked past their Merchandise Pick Up area. I could see that this 4 door sedan had a giant plasma TV taking up the whole back seat. As I become closer to the car, I see 3, count that 3, young children crawling into the front seat with what probably is their mother. One child in sitting on the floor and the other 2 are situating themselves on the mother's lap. The driver is getting into the driver's seat. I am stunned.

They were going to drive home this way, with three young kids, all of which looked like they were still at least booster seat age. And the parents thought this was okay.

Does is take that much common sense to know that if you bring your 3 kids along to pick up your huge new TV in a 4 door, 5 passenger car that there is not going to be enough room for all to ride safely back to your destination? Really? Have you ever heard of having only one of you go so the other can watch the kids? (And yes this possible because the Sears workers will put the merchandise in your car for you so there is no need to bring multiple people). Or maybe getting a sitter of some sort if both of you insist on going? Is it really that difficult?

A child's safety (anyone for that matter) is the most important and should never be compromised. I don't care how inconvenient it is, it's priority.

And don't give me this "But it's only down the street" or "I have done this so many times and nothing have ever happened" or "You don't understand everyone's situation" bullshit. I won't buy it. I actually won't buy any excuse for this behavior. It shouldn't be done period! Picking up your huge luxury flat screen TV is not a life or death situation. Riding in a car the way that family was is!

This is not rocket science people. Here is a great website for information about children's safety in the car:

http://www.aap.org/family/carseatguide.htm

Here, I will even give you another resource:

http://www.nhtsa.dot.gov/portal/site/nhtsa/menuitem.9f8c7d6359e0e9bbbf30811060008a0c/

A friend of mine told me today she saw a 2 year old riding in a car on his/her mother's lap while the mother was driving! Wow really? Did Britney Spears strike again?

Please educate yourself on this.

Cheers to a new year!

2009-01-01T16:21:00.000-08:00

It's 2009! Happy New Year!

As I reflect on this past year, I see that there have been a lot of changes in my life. I started the year still mourning the loss of my first pregnancy. Having a miscarriage changed so many things in my life. My outlook on pregnancy and parenthood are different and is something I know hold very sacred and do not take for granted.

In the month of January, I found out I was pregnant again. Lots of emotions ran through my head. From sheer excitement to fear and anxiety which plagued the first trimester of my pregnancy. My pregnancy bliss is forever tainted with the fear of another miscarriage.

In January, I also attended the funeral of a family friend. He was referred to as "Papa" to everyone who knew him. He was the father of my mother's best friend. Papa will always be missed.

In April, I attended another funeral. This one for Rich, the best friend of my brother-in-law, who died in a serious car accident. It was discovered it was due to high speeds and alcohol on the highway. This was a devastating loss (as all losses are).

In May, my husband and I celebrated our one year anniversary. I also found myself in Labor & Delivery due to some explained bleeding which turned out to be nothing. We also found out we were having a baby girl

I also attended yet a third funeral of the year. Stacey was a family friend of my husband's. She died an unexplained death due to the possibility of a prescription drug overdose but still unsure of the real cause.

In July, I ended up in Labor & Delivery again for some contractions. All was good and I was sent home.

In August, my daughter was born 7 weeks early due to my water breaking unexpectedly and for no specific reason at all. Hailey Cathleen was born August 19th @ 3:31pm weighing 5lbs 12oz. We spent the next 29 days visiting her in the NICU counting down the days until she could finally come home with us.

In September, we were finally able to bring home our baby girl.

I turned 27 in October. Celebrated some great first holidays with Hailey and ended the year with a bang at a New Years Eve party at our house!

So here it is January 1, 2009. I am anxious for what this year will bring. Lots of joy as we get to watch Hailey grow! Hopefully I won't be attending any funerals this year!

Cheers to a fantastic 2009!

My big parental pet peeve

2008-12-30T21:45:00.000-08:00

Ok so I have to say that I really get irritated when I hear new moms complain that their 3-6 week old baby is waking up several times and that they do not understand why. That's probably because THEY ARE NEWBORNS and *big shocker* that's what they do! For someone to EXPECT their newborn to sleep through the night is absurd. And to think that you are going to avoid the sleepless nights that the rest of the population goes through is ridoculous.

Here is some helpful informartion if you happen to be one of these people I am speaking of:

http://www.kellymom.com/parenting/sleep/sleep.html

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/baby-sleep/FL00118

http://www.babycenter.com/408_when-can-my-baby-start-sleeping-through-the-night_1368534.bc

Allow me to quote one of these resources:

By age 3 months, many babies sleep up to five hours during the night. By age 6 months, nighttime stretches of nine to 12 hours are possible.

So don't mind me if I roll my eyes when I hear of a mother complaining about this. This is what you signed up for when you got pregnant. I went through it, we all go through.

So please, don't jump to sleep training/cry it out techniques before experts recommend (if you have done any research on this, you will see that it's not recommended until at least 6 months old).

Pet Peeve vent over. =)

Welcome to My Outlook on the World

2008-12-20T22:12:00.000-08:00

Consider this a disclaimer to all the blog readers out there.

This is my blog.

I started this blog after I had a miscarriage. I used this as an outlet. My therapy. I have since been pregnant again and birthed my first born child. I use this blog, still, to cope with my miscarriage and also to express my life thoughts.

I rant, rave, vent, express all my thoughts. You may find my blog amusing. You may agree with everything that I say. You may not agree with anything I say. But just understand that these are my thoughts. I don't expect everyone to agree with me. It's not like I need to be patted on the back or told what I like to hear. Just know that if you feel the need to call me out on one of my rants, I may respond back. I am open minded but I am also passionate and proud of my beliefs.

I love to read people's comments. Especially on this blog because I do not advertise it to my friends very much so most of the readers have come across this by chance. But I am very witty and sarcastic! My husband hates arguing with me!

I never define myself in one category. I take bits and pieces from everything, mash it together, and out pops my personality. When I registered to vote I choose not to identify with either party so I checked the box that says something to that effect (forgot the actual wording). I am parts of everything.

I have a Bachelor's degree in Psychology. If anyone has ever taken a psychology class you would know that there are several different types of psychological views. Psychoanalytic, Behaviorist, etc. I don't stick to just one, I take parts from each and mold my point of view.

So basically I may confuse the hell out of you! =)

Oh and I am terrible at proof reading. I always proof read and think there are not any mistakes but when I re-ead a blog post on another day, I find several! Go figure!!

I hope you enjoy my blog. This is my way of thinking out loud. Some of the things I say may surprise you, offend you, make you think twice, or you will find I say what a lot of people are thinking and just don't have the guts to say it out loud. I am very straight forward and do not sugar-coat anything. I tell it like it is and am not afraid to disagree with you. I have very little tolerance for stupidity and lack of common sense or tact. But I am not the type to slap you across the face with my honesty, I am just very direct!

I believe in equality for all races, sexual orientations and sex. Don't tell me I can't do something because I am not a man and don't tell I have to do something because I am a women. I throw like a girl because I am one, got a problem with that? ;) haha.

I am a great listener, a lot of fun (if i do say so myself!! haha) and generally happy just don't piss me off! I like to amuse myself in any way that I can and my sense of humor is really random. I think my randomness is a good thing!!

Welcome to my outlook on the world!

Me & my sweet cheeks!!

2008-12-20T20:25:00.000-08:00

This Thing Called Parenthood

2008-12-14T21:48:00.000-08:00

It's an amazing thing. A lot more to it then I ever imagined. Tonight as I am rocking Hailey in the glider, she falls asleep on my chest. It puts me in a state of total relaxation. It almost feels like we melted into each other.

I don't know what it is but there is something so magical about being a mother. I love my husband, I love my family. But this love is completely different.

She has my blue eyes. They are light in the middle and dark around the edges. I know they may to a different shade of blue as she gets older but for now, she has my eyes. Do you know how amazing it is to look at her eyes and know it came from me? It's weird. And you will never understand it until you experience it.

I returned to work this week and it was hard. If we could afford for me to stay home I would. I seriously could care less about my career. I have a Bachelor's degree. I graduated college almost 5 years ago. I worked long and hard in college. I could spend the rest of my life as a full time mom and be completely okay with that.

I now realize that being a mom is the best thing I will ever do!

One Year Ago

2008-11-27T16:31:00.000-08:00

One year ago today I got the most devastating news. This news made my world come crashing down. My OB confirmed my miscarriage a year ago today. 2 days later I had my D&C. It just so happens that this day landed right on Thanksgiving this year. I will forever associate my loss with Thanksgiving.

Despite this I do have a lot of Thanks to give. Because right now what I am most thankful for is currently napping in her crib.

And the beat goes on....

2008-11-24T12:51:00.000-08:00

3 days.....in 3 days will be the one year anniversary of the day that changed my life in so many ways. It will be one year since the day I had my miscarriage. Many mixed feelings with this. I am sad, sad that I ever had to go through it and sad to learn of so many other women who have gone through the same thing. It is definitely a sisterhood of silence.

It's so bitter sweet. I never got to meet my first baby. Never got to see its beating heart on the ultrasound screen. Never found out if it was a boy or a girl. I feel like that pregnancy only gave me feelings of sadness, feelings of loss, disappointment, bitterness, guilt. I felt this way for a long timeand at times I still do. But then it dawned on me one day as I was staring at my beautiful baby girl. I may have never met my 1st baby but what my first baby did give me, was Hailey.

An Historical Moment

2008-11-06T22:35:00.000-08:00

I was able to witness an historical moment on Tuesday. Our country elected the first black president (I would say African American but that may not be PC for Obama. What if he is not from Africa? He was born in Hawaii.). I am proud of our country for doing this. This definitely proves to me that our country are not the racist bastards they used to be (of course racism still exists but not enough to not elect a black president, ya know?).

Although I do think the media thus far is focusing way too much on the fact that he is black rather then the president he is going to be and what the future holds for our country. Isn't that what's really important? I understand that is a huge thing, especially amongst the black community but let's re-focus here!

He didn't focus his campaign on him being black so let's do the same for his term in the White House.

6 Tag

2008-11-05T20:28:00.001-08:00

I was "tagged" by reading blog Kristy's. I decided to put this one on this blog! So here it goes...

6 TV shows:
Friends
One Tree Hill
Law&Order: SVU
90210 (new)
Beverly Hills 90210 (old)
House Hunters

6 Favorite Restaurants:
Sergio's
Islands
BJ's
The Cannery
Olive Garden
Lucille's BBQ

6 Things that happened today:
Feed Hailey
Changed poopy/pee-pee diapers
Dad brought me lunch
Went on a walk with Hailey and Jake
Cooked dinner
Saw Oscar cornered a lizard..ewww

6 Things I am looking forward to:
Hailey's growth
Holidays
Sleep
Vacation
2nd child
All the weddings coming up

6 Things on my wish list:
More sleep
The desire to exercise
Happy life for Hailey
Everyone to stop concentrating so much on Obama's race. How about concentrating on his duty as a president?
A tropical vacation
More money

6 people to Tag:
Anyone who reads this!

Now GO!

Just so you know...

2008-11-04T15:56:00.000-08:00

Oscar Thinks He's a Dog

2008-11-04T13:47:00.001-08:00

Randy and I have said from the day we got Oscar that he's a dog in a cat's body. Several people who have met Oscar agree. When our elderly neighbor walks her dog, Oscar will walk with them. He's best buds with the dog across the street too. I have actually seen them wrestle!! He and Jake get along but Jake could care less about him and rather play with us or other dogs!

Christa came over this past weekend with her new dog Salem. Oscar, of course, befriended him immediately and they instantly became pals! We missed getting shots of them wrestling but here's a great picture Christa caught if the two of them.....

One year ago today....

2008-11-02T15:17:00.000-08:00

One year ago today is when I got my very first BFP. I am surprised I remembered it was today. It randomly popped in my head. I remember I had tested the day before Halloween and got a BFN. Even though I thought I wasn't pregnant, I still didn't drink on Halloween. When my period didn't come, I tested again two days later. This time I got a very clear dark BFP. I couldn't believe it. We were thrilled. Pregnant on our first try! Wow that was easy!

Of course 25 days later, we were singing a different tune and 2 days after that we had a different ending to our baby story.

Prop.8, Protect Our Children...

2008-11-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

Protect our children? Protect them from what?? A life without prejudice? A life of acceptance? Are you kidding me??

If anything, voting NO would protect our children. Protect them from a prejudice lifestyle. Just what this state needs...more prejudice. We need to teach our children not to be this way. All this proposition does is promote discrimination and hate.

If this was about interracial marriage, all supporters of this would be racist. Why is homophobia not racism? I understand homosexuality is not a race but homophobes are not looked at as prejudice bastards. Homophobia is accepted. That's right..it's ACCEPTED (and you do not have to commit hate crimes in order to be homophobic. Non violent homomphobics exist).

Driving around town, I see TONS of signs in yards wanting support of this proposition. When I look at those, I think "You prejudice asshole." There...I said it...supporters of this proposition are prejudice asshats! Especially those who go as far as putting a sign in their front lawns! My Father in law supports this proposition, however, I do not view him as prejudice because he doesn't post a sign on his lawn. He keeps his views to himself and does not parade them to the neighborhood.

But seriously, do we still live in the 1800's?? This is 2008 people!! Roll with the punches!! GET OVER YOURSELVES!

Voting Yes on this is not going to protect our children, it's only going to continue a prejudice lifestyle and instill these values in our children. Is that what you want?

No on Proposition 8

2008-10-28T20:44:00.000-07:00

I got this from one of my friends. This is great!

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong According to Yes on 8'ers!....

1) Being gay is not natural.
*And real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, air conditioning, tattoos, piercings and silicon breasts..

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay.
*In the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior.
*People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. Lamps are next.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all;
*Hence why women are still property,blacks still can't marry whites,and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed;
*And we can't let the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage be destroyed or Jlo's 3 marriages...

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children.
*So therefore, gay couples,infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our population isn't out of control, our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children,
*Since, of course, straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion.
*In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home.
*Which is exactly why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms.
*Just like we haven't adapted to cars,the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Don't be an Idoit....Vote NO on Prop 8!

A Silent Hardship

2008-10-22T21:11:00.000-07:00

As I had posted before, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day just passed. I posted about on this blog, my other blog, Myspace bulletins and also a mass text message to several friends and family. Why did I do this? To spread awareness.

A friend who has had a miscarriage replied to my text message that she doesn't like to be reminded and never talks about it to people who have not been through it. I can definitely understand that. That very reason inspired me to write a blog about what not to say someone who has had a miscarriage (Click here to read).

Her text message got me thinking. I called this blog post a silent hardship because that's exactly what it is. When I first shared this blog with people, I had already written several blogs. A friend of mine emailed me saying that she never realized what having a miscarriage meant emotionally. She stated that nobody talks about it so she truly had no idea until she read my blog. She felt she had a better understanding of this kind of loss and was truly sorry I had experienced it. I was touched and sad that to discover that she was right.

Having a miscarriage is a very personal thing. Some choose to go through it alone. Bottle it up and stash it away somewhere. If every person did this (and a majority of them do) then no one will understand what we have gone through. I think our silence it was causes the type of reactions and behavior mentioned in my other blog post. They are simply unaware. And it is us, those who have experienced this, that made it that way.

I have chosen to not go through it alone. I am wide open with it. I want to spread awareness and I want people to understand that this loss hurts. It stings and leaves scars in our hearts that will always be there. Scars fade but are constant reminders of our past. Scars can make us stronger. So I think we need to tell the stories of our scars.

I mentioned above that I posted about the day of remembrance on a Myspace bulletin. I asked that my friends repost this bulletin and help me spread awareness. And it's disappointing to say that 2, yes only 2, people reposted this bulletin. One was a friend named Danielle who I met through my mother's good friend (her daughter) and the other was a girl I knew from high school who I haven't seen in almost 10 years. Among my Myspace friends are my best and closest friends and family. I believe I have 260 friends and only 2 reposted. 2. It made me sad. This is something I asked for support and I got 2 reposts. I am thankful for those reposts but I really thought more people would support me.

And maybe I shouldn't take that personally but I did. And maybe there was something I didn't repost in support of them. But if I read it, I would have. I find it hard to believe that only 2 out of 260 people read that bulletin.

This only proves my point even further. If it was a post about Breast Cancer, it would have gotten more attention. Miscarriages and Infant loss does not get the attention it deserves. And I hope if there are any of you reading this that are a part of the majority that stays silent, that you will change your mind. Give this tragedy the attention it deserves. Allow society to view this type of loss as something that matters and is more than just a fluke.

The Love of My Life

2008-10-18T12:18:00.000-07:00

I realized I do not post many pictures of Hailey on this blog, I post tons on my other blog but not this one.

Here's my beautiful Hailey at 2 months old. A proof of success after a miscarriage!

Unbelievable!! Stupid Stupid Potheads

2008-10-16T18:15:00.000-07:00

I am on my way to Walmart (which I hate but they sell formula cheaper) and am sitting at a stoplight. I turn to my right and see a girl in the passenger seat of the car next to me packing a marijuana pipe! She then hands it to the driver and he takes a big hit. I am astonished.

I glace in the back seat only to see a little girl who couldn't be older than 2 or 3! Unbelievable! I think my mouth dropped to the floor. At that point the light turned green and he sped off in mid-puff.

If I was not in such disbelief I think I would have written down the license plate number and called the cops. I didn't think about it until later.

Now I understand that smoking pot is a very common thing in this society. I no longer allow myself to be surprised when I see someone I know light up when I didn't know they were into that. I do not smoke myself. I tried in High School and wasn't interested in continuing. I spent a good portion of my life being bitter towards those who continue to smoke but I am over that now. If people want to smoke pot then so be it. Not my problem.

But I do have a problem with this situation for a few reasons.

1. His dumbass was driving as he was smoking...right next to me. So here he is affecting his driving ability while on the same street as me, not to mention in the very next lane.

2. His farking daughter was in the car with him! Klassy! If you are going to be stupid and juvenile enough to continue smoking outside of your teens then at least do not smoke in front of your kids and do not drive them as you are smoking or under the influence.

I have heard regular pot smokers say they are better drivers when they are high. SERIOUSLY? I guess you have damaged enough brain cells to actually believe this is true! If anyone thinks for one second it's ok to drive high then you are an idiot.

I personally do not see the point of using drugs but I am not a pothead or drug addict so I guess I will never understand. And one can make the same argument with drinking alcohol. It's all self-destructive in one way or another, it's just most are not willing to admit it. I am not much if a drinker but do like to drink occasionally and always socially. However I do not have to be drunk or buzzed to have a good time.

So there you have it. White trash pothead drives 2 year old daughter as he hits his pipe and for some reason he and the mother see absolutely no problem with it. Amazing.

My Candle is Still Burning

2008-10-15T22:26:00.000-07:00

I lit it at 6:45pm to be exact and it's still burning almost 4 hours later. I can't bring myself to blow it out.

Proposition 8, My Thoughts

2008-10-15T18:26:00.000-07:00

A friend asked me what my thoughts were on this now that I am a parent. I understand that this could bring on a lot of hateful comments considering that this is the Internet and anyone can read this but please keep an open mind. This is my opinion and I am allowed to have it.

Honestly the hype that they are creating around this issue is a bit overkill. It reminds of segregation with the whites/blacks. Imagine all the hype and controversy surrounded by the end of this. I am sure white people went crazy over it and made up similar issues that could make the end of this horrible. "My kid will be sitting next to those black kids, they will be eating in the same places as us, I will have to drink from a fountain after them" You know what I mean? It makes me sick.

Teaching homosexually and the fact that they can marry is not necessary and even so will not end life as we know it and it will not teach our kids to be gay (though they haven't said this specifically I bet this is the thought process behind most people regarding this part of the issue). Textbooks will not have to be ripped from the bookshelves and re-written to include "gay marriage." Marriage can be defined as a union between two people. That's it, two people. No need to go into it any further. It doesn't have to be played out to the extent of "boys can marry boys." Marriage is a union between 2 people. period. Not to mention I don't remember marriage being taught in schools. Do you? If they did, it did not stick in my brain at all. Its such a small part of the curriculum. But that's just my opinion. I think they are blowing parts way out of proportion.

Churches should not be considered hate groups (once again over exaggeration/hype). Church and state are supposed to be separate anyway. Catholic churches do not recognize marriages outside the church. Meaning if a catholic couple does not marry in a catholic church then the church does not view them as married. So why can't gay marriage be viewed the same way? If churches choose what marriages they recognize for heterosexual couples then the same can go for all marriages. In the Mormon religion if a couple divorces, the state considers them divorced but the church makes a decision whether they will look at the couple as divorced. If they deny it then the man can remarry but the woman cannot. This belief/practice is not in textbooks or mandated by the state. Why? Church and state are supposed to be separate.

The state doesn't necessarily mandate what parents teach their kids. Some parents teach racism to their kids and that's not mandated by the state so why would the state make teaching of gay marriage mandatory? They cannot control how people parent so why do they think the state can with this issue? And accepting gay lifestyles? Come on, the lifestyle will be there regardless of whether they can marry. Attacks against them are already considered hate crimes without them being allowed to marry. So if you think about it, the state already mandates acceptance.

I have no idea what tax implications this will cause and I can't see how this will effect taxes. We don't pay heterosexual marriage taxes so why would gay marriage affect anything to do with taxes?

I dunno. This just reminds me of segregation with black/whites from over a 100 years ago. Why does marriage have to be between a man and a woman according to the state? That definition of marriage came from the church centuries ago when religion was mandated and there was no freedom of religion. So by limiting marriage to being between a man and a woman is forcing religious beliefs and acceptance of those beliefs on the population if you think about it. We all decide what religion, if any, we want to follow and each church has their own sets of practices. So allow all of us to make that decision.

OK sorry I feel like I am rambling. I have all these thoughts in my head about it but never actually put them into words. Hailey is napping so I have time to write it out! haha!! I hope I haven't offended you in any way. Its just my random thoughts and me thinking out loud!

Today We Remember....

2008-10-15T13:44:00.001-07:00

Today, October 15, is the National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, it has been suggested that grieving parents and family members light a candle at 7 p.m. in their respective time zones to create a wave of light around the world in memory of babies lost to pregnancy and infant loss. Would you join me in this today?

Did you know that October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day? Many people aren't aware that this day has been designated a national day of remembrance for miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss.

The resolution to declare October 15 a remembrance day passed the United States House of Representatives on September 28, 2006. It was the result of tireless efforts by a group of miscarriage awareness activists led by Robyn Bear, who had six first-trimester miscarriages in the span of 1997 through 1999 before ultimately receiving a diagnosis of balanced translocation.In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, Bear suggests on her website that grieving parents light a candle at 7 p.m. in their respective time zones to create a wave of light around the world in memory of babies lost to pregnancy and infant loss.

Sign the Petition for Preemies

2008-10-10T19:59:00.001-07:00

In the United States today, 1 in 8 babies is born prematurely. More newborns die from premature birth than any other cause. But solutions are within our grasp. Together, we can find the causes of premature birth, ensure moms get health care during pregnancy, and create workplaces that support maternal and infant health.

Act now and let everyone know it’s time to do more to help moms have healthy, full-term babies. November is March of Dimes Prematurity Awareness Month. Sign the Petition for Preemies.

P. S. Want to make an even bigger difference? Please forward this message to family and friends. Tell them you signed the petition and ask them to join you!

http://www.marchofdimes.com/padpetition/index.aspx?a=1&z=1&c=1

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

2008-10-10T19:08:00.001-07:00

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

3 Years until 30

2008-10-10T16:15:00.000-07:00

I turned 27 yesterday. In 3 years I will be 30. I can't believe it, I still feel like I am too young to be married with a baby. Like I should still be asking my mom permission to go somewhere or I need to go to school on Monday.

I can't believe how time flies. It feels like yesterday I graduated High School. I feel like Randy and I are still young kids.

I am an adult. I live on my own. I have a husband. I have a beautiful baby. I imagined how all of this was going to be when I was younger and now I am finally here. It's so surreal when I think about it.

Now I picture life when we are retired with grand kids. Although it will be a great time, I hope it doesn't come as fast as this stage in life did!!

Diarrhea of the Mouth

2008-10-08T20:04:00.000-07:00

I find that I come across this way too often. What's my definition of it? When someone talks without thinking and what comes out is a bunch of crap. Also unstoppable talking that has no value.

Mostly it's when someone says something completely inappropriate. Makes you think "WTF? Did that really just come out of your mouth?" You know when you are announcing great news and someone rains on your parade by telling some horrific story related to what you are saying. Like announcing your pregnant and then someone follows their Congrats with a story of their sister's friend's miscarriage.

When I was about 30 weeks pregnant, I was with a bunch of girls I didn't know very well. I was asked how far along I was and when I told her, she told me of her friend who just lost her baby at 30 weeks because the cord wrapped around its neck. Devastating story however why she felt the need to share it with me at that given moment is beyond me. Now you have me freaked out it will happen to me and I am watching baby movements like a hawk.

It's like she didn't know what else to say after I answered her question so the story came pouring out of her mouth (like diarrhea) without even thinking first. If we were talking about pregnancy losses then I would understand why she may share the story.

I am sure you can relate on some level to what I am saying. I am wishing there was some sort of over the counter cure for this. Peptobismo for the mouth.

I know someone close to me who does this all the time. This person will remain nameless. I think she is so socially awkward the only responses she can think of are usually of the negative nature. Hardly having anything positive to say because it's easier to think of something negative. Quick to respond but doesn't think first.

So diarrhea if the mouth is my knew phrase to explain this. I think it fits pretty well.

My Heart Breaks

2008-10-07T17:59:00.000-07:00

My heart breaks as I read Stacy's blog. She gave birth to her beautiful son today. After 16 minutes, he passed away. Her husband and her prepared for this day. Instead of planning a shower, decorating a nursery, or picking out a "coming home" outfit, she planned her unborn son's funeral and memorial service. I type this, as I am holding Hailey. I sobbed as I read the sad news of baby Isaac and held Hailey a little tighter. I looked at her and cried. Sad that Stacy would not experience this with Isaac and thankful that I am able to with Hailey. I could not imagine what she is going through. To carry her son to full term to only say goodbye. I bet those were the best 16 minutes of her life. I don't think she will ever forget how it felt and he will have a place in her heart forever. She is one of the strongest people I know. My heart breaks for her and I wish her strength through this devastating time.

If you would like to read Stacy's story,click here. And you can also click here for her blog she dedicated to her sweet Isaac.

I thought I knew love

2008-10-06T22:50:00.000-07:00

I thought I knew love. I do know love but now it comes in a different form. I am in love with my husband. He's an amazing support system and he makes me feel worthy. I battle with my self-worth but with Randy, he lifts me up.

So this different form of love, I call it motherhood. I was told you never know how much you can love someone until you have a child. I look at Hailey and I want to cry. Even when she's crying and won't go to sleep. I stare at her and can't believe she's mine. She is so gorgeous and I am in total awe. I love being at home with her and it makes me want to be a stay at home mom more and more. Unfortunately that's not financially possible.

Randy is a great father, even though he doesn't think it, he really is. Of course I have had my sleep-deprived, post-partum hormonal moments which I have taken out on him but he takes it with such grace. He nodds his head, says he's sorry and kisses my forehead. He's amazing with Hailey and he is totally in love. She has him wrapped around her finger and she's barely 7 weeks old.

Right now I am sitting next to the baby monitor. Hailey is not wanting to go to sleep but he's keeping his patience and talking to her. I know he wants her to sleep so bad but he continues to sooth her. I don't think he knows I have the monitor on.

Motherhood is a great thing to be a part of. After the miscarriage, the premature birth, 4 weeks spent in the NICU I am finally feeling a part of this new club. It's a lifetime membership and I am proud to be a part of it.

10 things they didn't tell you about child birth

2008-09-10T12:29:00.000-07:00

1. People (including the nurses) pick the time when you are breathing thru a big contraction to ask you questions.

2. After a vaginal birth and after the placenta is out, the nurse will push on your belly by the belly button (and it hurts like hell) a few times and you will feel tons of gushing, Randy said it was blood and clots.

3. This isn't only when your in labor, but people will feel the need to share their birth/labor experience with you (good or bad but especially the bad) either when your in labor, after you give birth, or even when still pregnant.

4. You sweat like the dickens after birth, c-section or vaginal.

5. You can poop during vaginal delivery. This happens more than you would think. Although, didn't happen to me. And no one will care if it does.

6. After an epidural, your back can hurt for a long time and also it can cause you to swell.

7. Granny panties, super maxi-pads and those mesh panties will become your new best friends. And also Tucks! Take a pack home from the hospital!

8. Your uterus cramps while breast feeding or pumping. This causes more blood to leak out.

9. The placenta looks like a tri tip.

10. You can feel phantom baby movements in your belly after birth.

10 things they didn't tell you about being pregnant

2008-09-10T12:16:00.000-07:00

1. Everyone views your belly as a free-for-all. Even strangers will rub your belly.

2. Your nipple and aureoles get bigger....and DARKER

3. As the baby gets bigger you "Sniss." This is sudden urine leakage brought on by sneezing.

4. Everyone in the world has an opinion about your pregnancy or pregnancy in general or what you can/cannot eat, and they will share it with you even if its not solicited.

5. Your feet can swell so big that your shoes do not fit anymore.

6. Your feet are not the only parts of your body that swell, this includes your hands, legs, arms, face.....

7. Morning Sickness is not just reserved for the 1st trimester

8. A variety of fluids will leak from your nether regions which will result in a few pantie changes throughout the day.

9. Your belly will get fuzzy and then as your belly gets bigger the hair sticks straight up.

10. Suddenly you realize your deodorant isn't working as well as it used too.

If Ignorance could kill, I'd be dead!

2008-08-29T09:55:00.000-07:00

I went by my doctors office today to drop off paperwork for FMLA and SDI. As I am standing at the front desk I hear this girl speaking loudly to another girl waiting. The loud girl is with her newborn baby and starts talking about how pregnancy was the worst experience in her life and anything is better than being pregnant. Then talked about how she had the "induction from hell" and was in labor for 36 hours before she gave birth.

If I wasn't preoccupied with talking to the nurse I seriously might have gone off. There was a time when I was sitting in that waiting room, waiting for my m/c to be confirmed and then sitting in there for my follow up appointment after the D&C. To hear something like that would have devastated me. My OB is also a fertility specialist so there could have been someone waiting there who would give anything to "hate" pregnancy. I would gladly take an "induction from hell" than have to visit my daughter in the NICU.

Ugh. I really hate that certain experiences can make you so bitter and intolerable of other people's ignorance or lack of tact.

My gorgeous daughter, Hailey

2008-08-26T22:48:00.000-07:00

Just had to show off a picture!

The tube in her nose is her feeding tube. Luckily she never had to be on oxygen!!

I Think I spoke too Soon, I had my baby

2008-08-26T22:39:00.000-07:00

So I write a blog stating it's still terrifying even at 32 weeks pregnant. Well, one week later, Hailey arrives 7 weeks early!! She is doing great but still in the NICU. Could be another few weeks until she comes home.

I am handling it well, or at least that's what I am told. But I am running on adrenaline. I had a baby a week ago and I am running back and forth to the hospital. You wouldn't think it has only been a week. I even get comments from the nurses. It's very overwhelming. I have to leave her everyday. I break down sometimes when I am alone. I try to be as strong as I can because if I am not it's not going to make this any easier. Thank goodness for a vaginal birth because I don't think I could force out the energy I am if I didn't.

But I have a beautiful daughter and an amazing husband and I am so thankful she is doing so well. If you would like to check out some pictures and see her progress, check out my other blog:

http://pumpkin-on-board.blogspot.com

It's Still Terrifying

2008-08-10T18:30:00.000-07:00

You would think since I am 32 weeks pregnant that I feel totally confident that this pregnancy is a success. Wrong. I am still scared to this day. There are so many things that can happen even in this stage of pregnancy. And the scary part is that if something were to....a death certificate would be issued.

It isn't until she comes out and is placed on my stomach that I will breath a little easier. Only 5-7 weeks to go.

My Original EDD came and went

2008-08-09T16:10:00.000-07:00

July 12th.....my original EDD. It came quicker than I expected and passed quickly too. Surprisingly, I did a lot better than I thought. It was hard to think tat I should have a newborn right now but I am so excited to be having Hailey, it drowns out the sorrow. Many may feel that since I am pregnant again, I shouldn't be sad anymore.....those people have obviously never been through this.

My grandmother told a story the other day of her friend who placed a memorial bench in a cemetery and had a plaque (amongst others for other family members) made for the miscarriage she suffered 52 years back. My grandma made fun of her friend. Not understanding why she would do such a thing. I don't think she realized what she was saying....and that she said it in front of me. Without thinking I responded "It stays with you for the rest of your life" and then the tears came. i didn't mean to cry and I didn't even feel the urge to. But it goes to show that there are a lot of people that still and never will get the pain that goes along with this. It's looked upon as a fluke, "better luck next time" sort of thing. Those have obviously never experienced this.

I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. The thought of always having the carry this around. Next time I get pregnant and go to the doctor they will ask what # pregnancy this is. It will be my 3rd....but only my 2nd child. Even now, when taking those false alarm trips to L&D. My 2nd pregnancy.....1st child. When asked what surgeries I have had... I get to write down D&C. I have been asked...from an abortion or miscarriage. WOW will some assume I had an abortion? Great. Just what I need.

Text Lingo should always be Text lingo

2008-05-18T17:19:00.000-07:00

So I understand the reason behind text lingo. What I mean by text lingo is the abbreviations you use while texting in order to reduce the amount of buttons you need to push and also to shorten the length and time it takes to complete the message. Especially if you have Verizon and they only allow you to send 160 characters to outside networks. The lingo is needed in order to text a full long message. For example:

OMG: Oh My God
WTF?: What the F#$k?
IDK: I don't know
ur: your

I think you get the picture. What I DON'T understand is when people use the language in real life when you speak.

I was at work and I had asked a young employee a question.

He answered "i-d-k."

At first I had no idea what he said because I was expecting an answer in full English.

I said "What?." He repeats.

I tell him I am not texting him and expect him to answer in english not text. When I asked him why he would respond in text lingo all he had to say was that he didn't want to say the words. Then goes on to say some random text lingo phrase and at that point I lost interest.

The sad part is he is a really smart kid and he made himself sound like such an idiot answering that way. I am hoping he was just doing that to show off and he actually doesn't speak that way to his friends on a regular basis. Actually, I hope this isn't common amoungst his age group because if so it makes me loose faith in the next generations moving up in this world. I can't imagine if one of them is going to the one to cure cancer that they would answer a question with "o-m-g" or "i-d-k"

Infertility.....a common thread.

2008-05-07T19:43:00.000-07:00

I know that there seems to be a colored ribbon for everything. All types of cancer, causes, etc. For infertility, the color is pomegranate. If you were to see a woman wearing a pomegranate bracelet or even a single string of yarn around their wrist then you know they are giving silent, subtle awareness to how common it is. The Kabalah is red so do not mistaken it for that. Pomegranate is a granet/burgundy color.

Make sure you relax this time!

2008-04-20T21:08:00.000-07:00

Yeah okay, thanks! Are you saying I miscarried last time because I didn't relax? Does anyone understand that stress or "Not relaxing" alone does not cause a miscarriage?

Amazing that the stupid comments continue even after becoming pregnant again. They just now come in a new form. I especially like the cautious "So how is everything going?" questions. I know they are trying to be sensitive but what I really need is for people to go on and act as if the miscarriage didn't happen. Asking me those type of questions makes me think "IS everything okay? What if it isn't? What if I think it is but it really isn't?." So the anxiety causing question need to stop!

Mr. Joe Cool

2008-04-09T20:45:00.001-07:00

My adorable kitty. Getting so big. And from the looks of this picture....soooooo sophisticated!!

A Quote I Can Relate To

2008-04-03T21:01:00.000-07:00

I read this quote and found myself feeling like I can relate. Makes me think someone took some of my thoughts and feelings and wrote them for me. I have come across some extremely judgemental people in my life, unfortunately, a few are still in my life. I guess this is what I have to say to them and anyone else who judges me....

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" - Marilyn Monroe

Amen to Marilyn Monroe

Baby Blog

2008-03-18T17:27:00.000-07:00

I started a baby blog when I first found out I was pregnant. I kept it hidden but now that I have announced on this blog here's the link:

http://pumpkin-on-board.blogspot.com/

I am planning on putting up the 10 week ultrasound pictures soon. Just haven't gotten around to doing it yet!!

I am Pregnant again

2008-03-15T10:56:00.000-07:00

I am 11 weeks pregnant. I haven't announced it on this blog because a lot of friends and family may still read this and we weren't going to announce until we saw the heartbeat twice.....and now we have! Everything is going really well and the baby was measuring 4 days ahead on Wednesday.

We feel confident and excited! But I still have my moments. I will not ignore this blog, because I still have a lot to say about the subject of miscarriage. I am hoping to bring inspiration to those ladies who read my blog. I am hoping my success story will give you the confidence to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can have a healthy pregnancy. Although I do not consider myself out of the woods yet, I feel I am right on the edge.

Here's to a happy and healthy pregnancy....for all of us!!!!!

I Hate That Miscarriages Exist

2008-02-28T21:40:00.000-08:00

It makes me so sad and so angry. Why does this type of loss exist? It's designed to rip the hopes and dreams and excitement out of underneath you. One moment you think everything is great and you are looking forward to the little miracle happening in 9 short months. Then it's gone.

I am sad this happens to so many women. I am sad that this happened to me. I am sad to hear of all the women you could relate to me when I shared the news of our loss.

I am angry that this changed my life so much. I am angry for those who have had this happen to them more than once. I am angry at the fear of this happening to me again. I am angry at the possibility that this could happen to someone else close to me or even to someone I don't know. I am angry at how often this happens

I wish I could understand this more. I wish I could understand the anger and sadness I feel right now. I wish I could stop crying about this. I wish I wasn't so angry about it.

I want to understand this better but no matter how hard I try, I am more angry and sad in the end.

I wish miscarriages did not exist.

Positive Outlook Update

2008-02-12T20:56:00.000-08:00

I forgot about this vow I made! So far so good. Unfortunately, I am not planning on announcing any pregnancy news on this blog for awhile. Randy and I decided that we will keep the exciting news to ourselves until about 10 weeks or so. Soooo speculate all you want! We won't tell you anyways!!

But things are looking good. Even though I can slip back into what I call "The Black Hole" every now and then, I feel better. It can be so hard at times to stay positive especially when I see pregnant women and newborn babies everywhere. Overall, my outlook is looking good!

My LIST

2008-02-10T19:17:00.000-08:00

I have a mental list in my head of things I want to do before I die. I'm sure this will grow as time goes on and I'm hoping I will also be able to cross things off.

Go to Italy
Own a BMW, my mid-life crisis car
Run a marathon
Go to Australia
Go sky diving again
Become a mommy
Donate my hair to Locks of Love

Once I am Pregnant Again, Everything Will Be Okay

2008-02-09T21:40:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to think the statement above is not true. I am so excited to get pregnant again and have a healthy baby but I am still not emotionally over the miscarriage.

I think this will stay with me a lot longer than I thought at first. And I am okay with that. I don't want to be forget about the first pregnancy. But I will certainly appreciate the next pregnancy a lot more than I ever imagined. I will cherish motherhood a lot more than I think I would have had this not happened. I will see my first born as the true miracle that it really is. I will love that baby and any other babies I have with a different kind of love. A love, I am sure, they will never understand.

One Will Always Be Missing

2008-02-07T20:19:00.000-08:00

I know that eventually the pain and sorrow of this experience will soon fade especially when we have a baby. I am wondering if even years down the road and a few healthy babies later, am I going to have this feeling that one will always be missing? Maybe this won't happen like I think. Maybe when our first baby is born, this will fade in a way I never thought possible. Maybe I won't have this sense of loss. But I can't help but think now that one will always be missing.

That one will be in my heart forever. Maybe I will never talk of it, maybe I won't even tell our children when they are older. I don't know. But I will always have a place in my heart for the first baby we lost. He/she will always be there and will live on in my heart. Even if the thought or feeling is in the back of mind, one will always be missing.

You Need to Just Relax and Don't Lift Heavy Things

2008-02-03T17:21:00.000-08:00

Had I known those were the two key things to preventing a miscarriage I would have never gotten out of bed the whole pregnancy!! Why didn't somebody tell me this sooner???? Gee, I wonder if my doctor knows this??

Amazing. The stupidity continues.

I must reiterate the fact that I don't need an explanation of why this happened to me. This is what my doctor is for. And on that note, if you insist on it, please know what you are talking about first. I know I am sounding sarcastic and ungrateful to those who only want to comfort me but if they were to sit back and really look at the statement they just made, they will understand what exactly it is that they are saying.

Starbucks Did NOT Cause My Miscarriage

2008-02-01T22:53:00.000-08:00

Okay I totally bit that title off of another blog I read cause I loved it! Anyhoo......

There is a lot of hype going around about the the link caffeine has to miscarriages. Here's a brief article I found regarding this topic:

"High doses of daily caffeine during pregnancy – whether from coffee, tea, caffeinated soda or hot chocolate – cause an increased risk of miscarriage, according a new study by the Kaiser Permanente Division of Research.

The research appears in the current online issue of American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology.

While previous research showed a link between caffeine consumption and miscarriage, this is the first study to thoroughly control for morning sickness, which typically causes many women to avoid caffeine.

The study, which looked at 1,063 pregnant Kaiser Permanente members in San Francisco from October 1996 through October 1998, examined the caffeine effect among women who never changed their pattern of caffeine consumption during their pregnancy. Women who consumed 200 mg or more of caffeine per day (two or more cups of regular coffee or five 12-ounce cans of caffeinated soda) had twice the miscarriage risk as women who consumed no caffeine.

The increased risk of miscarriage appeared to be due to the caffeine itself, rather than other possible chemicals in coffee because caffeine intake from non-coffee sources such as caffeinated soda, tea and hot chocolate showed a similar increased risk of miscarriage."

Now if you read that carefully there are two KEY factors in this article. Allow me to show you:

"High doses of daily caffeine during pregnancy..."

".....the caffeine effect among women who never changed their pattern of caffeine consumption during their pregnancy."

This does not apply to those women who DO change their caffeine consumption or do NOT consume high doses daily. I did cut caffeine completely out of my diet when I was pregnant.

One thing that must be understood is that for the most part, anything is okay for a pregnant women in moderations (except alcohol but that's a given). I hope this enlightens you on the issue of caffeine and miscarriages. It is important to cut down or cut out but also know, that caffeine is not the sole cause or #1 cause of miscarriages.

Common Sense Is Not So Common

2008-02-01T20:52:00.000-08:00

I am sitting in my office one fine afternoon. A former employee comes in to ask me about his W-2. I guess he knew I was pregnant before because he made a weird comment about the candy I was eating. I gave him a WTF? look.

He says "Cause you're pregnant." I tell him I am not and that I had a miscarriage. He seems concerned and sad for me at first but then ruins it with this oh-so-wonderful comment...

"Stop stressing out so much."

If looks could kill, he would be dead. I actually felt the nasty look I shot at him. I snapped. I told him the next time he hears someone had a miscarriage to NOT say that. He looks dumbfounded. Totally not understanding my anger. I tell him "You basically just told me I caused my miscarriage because I stressed out too much." He still doesn't seem to get it. He just says he knows that stress is the number one cause of miscarriages. I tell him he needs to do some research. I hand him what he needs then politely, yet sarcastically say "Now get out of my office."

I can't believe I snapped but I admit, I don't feel bad about it at all.

My Husband Said the Sweetest Thing

2008-01-31T21:12:00.000-08:00

I was showing my husband the new blog posted below with the pictures of our kitten Oscar. He pointed at the pictures and said "He is our first baby" I didn't understand what he meant. "Our is baby reincarnated in him."

I went to the kitchen to get some food and burst into tears. I came back into our room and thanked him for saying that.

I never thought of it that way. We got him the day after the D&C. I know some have planted trees in honor of their lost babies but we rent so we can't. I love thinking our kitty represents our first baby. I want to cry everytime I pet him! It makes Oscar mean so much more to me.

I Think I am in Love

2008-01-30T20:19:00.000-08:00

My kitten, Oscar, is the cutest little kitten pop. We got him the day after the miscarriage. Since then, he has at least tripled in size. He is adorable. See for yourself.....

Couldn't you just take a bite out of him!! Freakin Adorable!!

My Cat Plays Fetch

2008-01-29T09:35:00.000-08:00

My cat, Oscar, plays fetch! He will be playing with a toy or whatever he finds amusing on our bed. I will take it, throw it off the bed, and he jumps off and grabs it. He will then bring it back on the bed. I grab it and repeat. This hilarious. Just makes me think even more that he is actually a dog in cats clothing!

Pregnant Guidelines

2008-01-28T19:37:00.001-08:00

Came across this on a message board and found it amusing. Although I think some of them are a little harsh but I completely agree with #3, 5 & 6. Read the next one, which a rebuttal to the first! Hilarious!!

Dear Non-Pregnant Person,

I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn't mean me- then you should probably read this twice.

1) The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is "Congratulations!" with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you an ####

2) Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father- not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase "my baby".

3) On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in #2, the pregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it.

4) The body of a pregnant women should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someones stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.

5) Likewise, no women wants to hear comments on her weight- ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is "You look fabulous!".

6) By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don't need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes.

7) There is a reason that tickets to L&D are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents.

8) Like everything else is life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital and the parents home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to "help out". If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.

9) If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.

10) The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.

I hope this helps- it sure makes me feel better.

~Author Unknown

A NON-PREGNANT PERSON RESPONSE:

Dear Pregnant Person,
I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with non-pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn't mean me- then you should probably read this twice.

1) Realize that if you tell a someone that you are having a baby and they don't respond with a shriek, spirit fingers, and an enthusiastic "Congratulations!", its probably because the vision of the havoc your spawn will someday wreak on the human race and just died a little inside. Assuming that everyone on the planet should be overcome with joy at the announcement of your pregnancy makes you an ass.

2) I don't want it to be "my baby." If I wanted a baby, I'd make one (and it would be way smarter and cuter than yours).

3) On the same note, if you are going to talk endlessly about said baby, and solicit my advice only to argue about how to raise this still conceptual child, please, don't ask my opinion. Just because I am not physically with child this moment doesn't mean I don't know jack *** about kids.

4) Your alien-like pokey outie belly button gives me the heeby jeebies. Please keep it far away from me. No, I don't want to touch it. Ewe.

5) Stop kidding yourself - its not ALL baby weight. I guarantee that kid doesn't weigh the 45 pounds you've put on.

6) But summer IS hot. Clearly, you weren't thinking when you chose to mate in late fall.

7) No one in their right mind wants to witness you giving birth. Even your husband is secretly repulsed by the miracle of life, but plays to your need for him to be "involved". Strongly reconsider your relationship with anyone who wants to be in the room while you squeeze that puppy out - cause they aren't right in the head.

8) Really, I don't want to go to your appointments. I have other things to do, like work, sleep, and binge drink. Nor do I want to hear about this week's 12.243 week checkup in EXCRUCIATING detail. Or see 13 different pictures of the same blob that in no way resembles human life yet and hear you say "oh, he has Ron's nose!"

9) Helping is what husbands are for. Don't ask your friends to be your maid, cook your food, or do any of the other things that your perfectly capable, fully-functioning adult husband can do with only a little nagging. Pioneer women had babies two at a time with no drugs in the corn crib, and go right back to hoeing the fields and hunting dinner mere hours later. Suck it up.

10) Really, I know you think everyone is just ALL about this baby of yours,, because, after all, the last nine months of OUR lives have revolved around YOUR offspring, but we really just tell you we can't wait to see the baby because we love you and we know its what you want to hear. Not that it isn't a BLAST to hang out with an exhausted new mom and poopy, fragile, caulicy baby on my day off.....Privilege my ass.

A New Outlook

2008-01-27T12:55:00.000-08:00

I have decided that I am going to have a more positive outlook of everything. I have spent the past few weeks in what feels like a black hole. I had someone tell me last night that I am not my usual bubbly self and that they know I have been through a lot but they missed the old me. This didn't upset up me at all, it just made me realize what a funk I have been in and that it is obvious.

I am usually good at saving face and putting on a smile but I guess it's not working this time. When someone who isn't around me much notices something like this, it sets off a red flag in my mind. Of course, it is because of other reasons than just the miscarriage. My self esteem is at its lowest it has ever been in my life but that's a whole other blog in itself.

So here I am vowing to myself, and anyone else who reads this, to have a more positive outlook. Try to go back to my normal self. So here it goes, Day 1. I will keep you updated.

I Welcome Everything

2008-01-26T10:46:00.000-08:00

I welcome everything. I welcome the morning sickness, the nausea, the face break outs, the sore boobs, the bloating, the weight gain....anything! I am okay with gaining 100 pounds if that means for me to birth a healthy baby. I am okay with throwing up everyday if that means a healthy baby.

When the day comes, I welcome everything.

The Day You Slipped Away

2008-01-20T23:19:00.001-08:00

This is a video I ran across on YouTube.com. It made me cry but I wanted to share it with you.

The song is Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne. Click on link below....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuiOdXC9aB4

Lyrics of Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne

Nah-nah, nah nah nah, nah-nah
I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad.
I hope you can hear me,I remember it clearly...

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same

Oh Nah-nah, nah nah nah, nah-nah
I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand.
I wish that I could see you again,I know that I can't

Oh
I hope you can hear me,
'cause I remember it clearly...

The day you slipped away,
Was the day I found it won't be the same

Oh

I've had my wake up,
Won't you wake up,
I keep asking why.

And I can't take it,
It wasn't fake, it
It happened, you passed by

Now you're gone, now you're gone
There you go, there you go--
Somewhere, I can't bring you back!

Now you're gone, now you're gone
There you go, there you go--
Somewhere, you're not coming back

The day you slipped away,
Was the day I found it won't be the same, oh...

The day you slipped away,
Was the day that I found it won't be the same oh...

Nah-nah, nah nah nah, nah-nah

I miss you

The Quest to have a Baby

2008-01-20T21:25:00.001-08:00

I never thought so much would go into conceiving a child. In the beginning, you picture a duration of passionate crazy nights of sex and excitement. Only to realize how much of a chore it becomes. Suddenly you are scheduling when you need to baby dance around busy schedules. You also think it will not be an issue of any kind. Sex = baby right? Wrong. It's all about timing. How will you know your timing is correct? Charts, temps, ovulation kits....takes the fun right out of it. It becomes this quest of determination to plant the seed. Every month, you only have only a 25% chance of getting pregnant. That is frustratingly low. Though so far we have not been bitten by the infertility bug, we have had our obstacles.

It the midst of all the baby dancing, two week wait after you ovulate, peeing on the life changing home pregnancy test; you forget to realize that getting pregnant is not the end of the pursuit. A whole other set of worries and rules set in. What to eat, what not to eat, no lifting, don't do this, make sure you do that. Then there is making it through what seems like an eternity......the 1st trimester. Typically, if you have a heartbeat by 7 weeks, your chances of miscarrying are 5%. For some women, that is high, too high, frighteningly high. We didn't have a heartbeat at 7 weeks. We are a part of a different statistic, one I never imagined I would relate to. Trying to conceive is a part time job in itself. It makes me realize what a true miracle birthing a healthy baby is. Now that's a world I would love to live in....Motherhood.

It would be nice.....

2008-01-17T22:04:00.000-08:00

It would be nice if people learned to have more tact. I think the world would be a better place.

For those who don't know what it means to be tactful, here's a clue: a keen sense of what to do or say in order to maintain good relations with others or avoid offense.

Learn it. Live it. Love it.

The End

What NOT to say to someone who has experienced a Miscarriage

2008-01-15T18:01:00.000-08:00

In this horrible experience, I have come across the most supportive and sincere people. They have truly helped me through this process more than they will ever imagine. But I have also come across insensitive, oblivious people who have no idea what to say to comfort a person who has experienced a miscarriage. It seriously feels like their common sense goes out the window. I can even say that a few of these women have had miscarriages themselves.

I understand that everyone is different, grieves different and is comforted different. However, after being a part of an AMAZING support group full of awesome ladies who have experienced the same thing I can honestly report the DOs and DON'TS of comforting a person who has experienced a miscarriage. I understand that most of these comments are merely the innocent attempt to provide comfort and hope. I guess this is my way of letting some of you know that it is not always the case. Especially if you hear the same comments over and over. After awhile it makes you want to scream. Here they are (and this is only to name a few).....

It is all a part of God's Plan..... Unless the person is extremely religious and you know that they believe this too, please keep these types of comments to yourself. No one wants to hear that this "plan" was what God meant for you.

It was not meant to be....... First thing that goes through my head when I hear this is WHY NOT? Especially if the women tried for their baby. We thought it was meant to be which is why we tried in the first place.

It was not the right time, When the time is right you will have a baby.... Kind of goes along with the above. WHY wasn't it the right time?? We tried for this baby, we KNOW it's the right time for us. If it wasn't we wouldn't have tried. All this comment does is make us feel that you are saying we are too young or not mature enough to handle a baby right now.

Everything happens for a reason.... Really, then give me a reason why this happened? The answer to that will probably follow with any of the insensitive comments below. How can you justify an answer to this?

At least you can get pregnant... That's great. But isn't the ultimate goal to BIRTH a baby? You can't exactly do this if you have miscarriage. The ability to get pregnant means nothing compared to being able to carry to term. Just ask the ladies who have had multiple miscarriages. Getting pregnant is a huge step in the process, not the ultimate goal.

At Least it happened early before you get attached... Ask yourself this, can you honestly say this comment is true? Can you honestly say that it should hurt LESS?

It wasn't a baby yet.... Tell that to its beating heart when it suddenly stops.

There was something wrong with the baby/It's better than having a retarded baby... For one, how do you know I wouldn't accept and love a "retarded" baby just the same? Ask parents of mentally challenged children if they would have rather had a miscarriage.

You will get pregnant again/You will have other children.... Yes, you are correct in this but how is this supposed to make me feel better about THIS baby? Would you say the same thing to a mother/father who just lost a young child months/years after its birth?

Now for the DON'Ts.....

Do not follow a miscarriage story with stories of your abortion(s)
Do not offer us one of your kids
Do not flood us with your own ultrasound pictures, new baby pictures, random cute children pictures unless we ASK
Do not tell stories of your friend who had multiple miscarriages before she had her 2 kids.....especially if it is our first miscarriage. The last thing we need our heads is the possibility of this happening again
Do not assume or ask us if the cause of the miscarriage was possibly due to something that was in our control. Examples: Was it because you flew on a plane? Was it because you ate sushi? Was it because you drank that one night before you knew you were pregnant?
Don't stare at us like we are from another planet
Don't uncomfortably shift in your chair or sit in silence.
Don't discuss our miscarriage with other people. If we want certain people knowing, we will tell them ourselves.

At last but NOT least.....

Do not assume that because it has been X amount of weeks/months/years that we should be over it and not allowed to be upset, scared or grieve. This is something that will live in our hearts forever even after we birth healthy children. It's hard to truly understand what we are going through unless it has happened to you. Even if it took one person a shorter amount of time than another to move on doesn't give you the right to be shocked, annoyed or unsupportive when we are still grieving.

The DOs:

Tell us you are sorry
Tell us you are here for us
Give us a hug
Offer your shoulder, your ear, your heart
Ask us if we are okay...even if it is weeks/months since.
Be our friend

I hope this has shed some light for anyone who is stuck not knowing how to react or what to say when wanting to offer support or comfort. It's amazing how great people are with handling this type of crisis or traumatic experience.

Thank you to all those who have been there for me. A special thanks to the ladies of the Nest Pregnancy Loss board. You have been the most amazing support system and I would not be where I am now if I didn't have all of your kind words of encouragement and support!

Miscarriage Statistics

2008-01-15T12:11:00.000-08:00

I was googling trying to find info about miscarriage statistics and this is what I found....

The statistics regarding miscarriage vary widely depending on the source. Here are some of the basic numbers.

Almost 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, with the majority occurring during the first 12 weeks.

There is a 75% chance of miscarriage in weeks 1-2 of pregnancy, when you do not know you are pregnant.

There is a 10% chance of miscarriage in weeks 3-6 and this number drops to 5% during weeks 6-12.

During the second trimester the chance of miscarriage drops again to 3%. After you’ve reached 20 weeks gestation, it is no longer considered a miscarriage.

For repeat miscarriage the statistic are as follows:

If you have had a miscarriage during your first pregnancy, your chances of another miscarriage are 10-13%.

If you have had one or more live births and one miscarriage your chance of another miscarriage is around 10%.

There is a 40% chance of a repeat miscarriage if you have had two pregnancies and two miscarriages.

The chance of multiple miscarriages is lower, at around 13%, if you have had one or more live births.

If you have had three pregnancies and three miscarriages there is a 60% chance you will miscarry again. If you have had four miscarriages with no live births your chances of a healthy pregnancy drop to 0-5%.

Sunken Ship

2008-01-07T19:58:00.000-08:00

My ship has sunk. I was sailing into the beautiful sunset, ready for the new and excited for whats to come. But underneath all this new found glory, I am scared to death. Just when I thought I rising from all the wreckage, I have fallen back.

My hopes for future happiness have been crushed by my own worries and thoughts. Watching all the pregnant women walking around makes my heart ache. The thought of disappointment this month if I find out I am not pregnant is unbearable right now. I am patiently waiting for my emotions to snap back into place but I feel like such a mess.

It's just a giant waiting game. Waiting to see what the future holds. Waiting to be pregnant again. But I am beginning to realize where I went wrong the first time. I wanted to be pregnant. All I could think about is getting pregnant. Well I got pregnant. But I got it all wrong, so wrong. Pregnancy is not the goal and you need to look beyond the pregnancy. Ultimately what I should be wishing for is a baby. I now know that it is a baby I need to hope for not the mere fact of getting pregnant.

It has changed. I'm not scared of not getting pregnant, I am scared of not staying pregnant. It feels as though you are never in the clear of miscarriage until the baby is born and then there is a whole other realm of worries. I feel like I have been hit by a mack truck. I want so bad for the emotional healing to be over. This is a roller coaster ride I can't wait to finish. Just when I get excited, it sends me through a loop.

I am a Miscarriage Survivor

2008-01-05T13:36:00.000-08:00

I am a miscarriage survivor. But what does it mean to be a miscarriage survivor?

The dictionary defines survivor as to remain alive or in existence. My baby isn't alive, is no longer in existence. But I am, so that makes me a survivor?? There has to be more to it.

A survivor is also defined as to carry on despite hardships or trauma, to persevere. I survived the physical aspects of a miscarriage. For those who have never had one only look at it from the emotion stand point of loss. What most people don't understand is that you not only go through a miscarriage emotionally, but you go through it physically. After the physical part is over, you are left feeling empty with a great deal of sorrow you never felt possible. The disappointment is overwhelming. You feel like a failure in the eyes of your family, friends and your husband. I was unable to carry this child to term. I announced this amazing news and now I have failed. I failed to carry this child to what it should have been, to what it could have been. I ripped the dream of being a grandmother from my mom. Her excitement turned to sorrow. My husband will not be a father in July. He won't be able to have his summer baby. I worked through all these emotions and come out in one piece. I have coped with the trauma and persevered through it. As much as humanly possible I have persevered through it.

But have I really? Can you ever actually move past something like this? If I never get through this completely, have I truely survived it? At what point do I actually become a survivor?

This experience and sorrow will stay with me for the rest of my life. As the years go on it will be dulled with the joy of future children. But for now, I think about this everyday.

I am a miscarriage survivor, I will always be a miscarriage survivor. A part of my past I can never erase, a part of my past that will always stay with me.

I am a miscarriage survivor.